Nina’s Fertile Heart Journey:
Natural Pregnancy after Recurrent Miscarriages
“I remember the workshop like it was yesterday and I think a lot about if I hadn’t had the courage to say no to your question about if what I wanted was possible. If I had said yes, and continued to pretend that everything was good and I was strong and I did believe I am not sure I would be where I am today. I was so sick in the hotel that night and I think my body was telling me that it is time to stop pretending that everything is ok. But I could not have done it without you because you believed in me and you knew that good things could be possible for me. And that faith, the faith I have never experienced before, allowed me to have the courage to believe it myself.“
I thought it would happen
My mom used to say to me, “Whenever I wanted to get pregnant I got pregnant.” And my sister who was 39 and single, wanted to have a baby, did artificial insemination and she got pregnant on her first try.
So my whole life I thought when I wanted to get pregnant it would happen for me. After Brian and I got married I stopped taking the pill. I will always remember this moment. I got off the pill and started counting. On the fourteenth day I took an ovulation test. It said I was ovulating. I thought this would be easy and I was sure that I would get pregnant on that first cycle. But that didn’t happen and then my cycles just went wonky.
I always wonder, if I just had enough faith, I would have ended up getting back on track. If I didn’t end up in the doctor’s office where they told me I didn’t ovulate and they went down a bunch of roads. They put me on clomid.
A Terrible “Ovulater” & Miscarriage
On the first cycle of clomid I got pregnant, and then had a miscarriage. On the second cycle of clomid I got pregnant and had a miscarriage and at that point I was really just lost.
I went and visited a specialist in Salt Lake. I made special plans to see this guy. I thought they were great they put me in at 7 in the morning so that I could see him and then catch a plane to go back home.
I walked into that office and it was just me and this guy. He didn’t ask me a single question about who I am or what had happened he just ran through my diagnosis and set me up for all these tests.
I left there feeling so lost. Went to the airport and just sat in the corner of the airport and cried. I never felt more alone.
I wasn’t talking to a lot of people about what was happening. I did tell a lot of people that I had miscarriage, but the responses I got were tough. A lot of my friends had never experienced it, or some people experienced one and then got pregnant and were fine, so I never felt that I was connecting with anyone.
I think it was just hard because I couldn’t explain how I was feeling. It was such a loss of missing this person I never got to meet. How do you talk to somebody about a person only you know, and even with Brian, he struggled to understand how I was feeling.
What was also tough was that I never miscarried on my own. I had to have a D & C every time. Which meant that literally one moment I was pregnant and the next I wasn’t. It was just such a shock to my psyche and my body. It was such a crazy change in such a short time.
Now looking back on it I can explain it to people but at the time, even with my Mom who had miscarriages I just didn’t feel heard. And then going to doctors who also weren’t listening, was incredibly hard too.
A different road
At some point a friend who read Julia’s books recommended Fertile Heart. I first read Inconceivable and loved it, really related to Julia’s experience of seeing all these doctors and trying so many different things.
I also got The Fertile Female and read that over and over and then contacted Julia about starting phone calls in January. The real moment for me where I knew this is what I needed, was when after seeing the doctor I had gone through all these tests and nothing was pointing specifically at why I was miscarrying. All they could say is that I was old. They said that my egg count was really high for my age but I don’t have a high level of testosterone.
They also said because of my PCOS, and because Clomid wasn’t enough to get me to ovulate on time the egg would implant late and that’s why I would have a miscarriage. I said, Well what about the people who ovulate on the 36st day of their cycle and they get pregnant
They didn’t really have an answer for that.
In January I was supposed to start another cycle, but I couldn’t get the right person in the clinic on the phone. I was caught in this game about what day it is and “you can start on this day or that day” and I couldn’t get anyone to answer me. I would get so frustrated because I wanted to be active and move forward.
So since I couldn’t start with the clinic, I signed up for the Fertile Heart Introductory Series but I was in such a state that I I missed the first call. I emailed Julia telling her how bummed I was and she called me.
She called my phone and it was so nice that she was, number one, a real human being, and number two, someone who would care enough and call me.
It was this moment that I will always remember, that was like here is this different way, and here is a human being that will actually take the time to talk to me and figure out what we needed to do to move forward together.
It was such a contrast to what I experienced with the clinic.
That was my beginning with Fertile Heart.
Visionary Circles and Workshop
Then I did the intro calls. At first I had such a hard time with the imagery and focusing. I was struggling with that a lot. But I kept calling in and I finally had a dream that I remembered and I emailed it to Julia.
The whole group worked with that dream on the following call and it was really an eye-opening experience.
When I found out the date of the next workshop, I thought, Oh no, I can’t go, we’re going on vacation at that time. But it turned out that our flight connected through Newark, so I just got off our flight and then got another ticket home. It felt like that’s what I was supposed to do.
I was definitely nervous before workshop, I had no idea what to expect. I walked in and I remember I was glad to just sit there with everyone. Julia was scanning the room to see who she would call on first. I thought, please don’t start with me and of course she did. I remember thinking do I look her in the eye or don’t I look her in the eye, how do I avoid being the first person. But I guess she just knew that I needed to be the first person.
I thought I would hear everybody’s story about what they were going through and when that’s not what Julia had us do, it was so interesting. Because I suddenly realized that it didn’t really matter. All that stuff that I got so wrapped up in, the counting the days and taking the pills. Suddenly none of that mattered.
Somewhere in the middle of the day, Julia asked me if I thought what I wanted was possible for me. I looked back at her and said No. I remember siting there, feeling like I should be saying yes, but I’m going to say no. And it felt like everything pivoted on that moment.
I had no idea what everybody else said. I just felt that I couldn’t say yes.
I felt so awful. But that’s what I needed to say. And she was very nice to me afterward and gave me a hug and just looked at me with so much hope and kindness. It was an important moment for me. I remember feeling so accepted and loved for who I was.
My body speaks the truth
After the workshop I drove back to the airport. I didn’t have a hotel room booked, I thought I’d just sleep at the airport, but I knew I shouldn’t do that, so I did get a room.
Which was lucky because I got so sick that night and I got my period. My body was waking up. It wasn’t the most amazing period, it was dark and it was clotty and it only lasted like 24 hours, but I felt like I got my period, I did that by myself. So here was this beacon of hope that they said I would never be able to do.
Everybody said. Oh, you got sick, you must’ve eaten something, you got some bug but I thought, No. I felt I was getting rid of something, I didn’t know what it was, but I had such a shock to my system, that I had to have physical ramifications of it.
Then I went back home and something shifted and I was able to do more of the imagery. It never came easy for me but it became something that I could be a part of even when I was not seeing images, I was experiencing them.
Another breakthrough
My other breakthrough was re-reading The Fertile Female and the fable of the chicken and the eagle. My first thought was well of course the eagle stayed with the chickens. he had so much practice being a chicken. and then I realized it was me. I have had so much practice being a chicken…I just didn’t even know I could be an eagle.
After reading that, I had a dream, I only remembered bits and pieces in it, but my mom was in there complaining about her life and about how my dad left her and lots of stories I have heard for years (my parents have been divorced for 34 years) and I turned to her and said – no. you don’t get to live this story and believe it. You have made this your story but it doesn’t have to be mine. And I woke up feeling so proud of myself for finally saying something to her. I spent my whole life caring for my mother. it is time to move on.”
Nina and Julia continued to be in touch throughout her eventful pregnancy during which she continued her Fertile Heart practice. And a year after the workshop she sent this note:
Hello Julia,
Today is the anniversary of my workshop! Can you believe it? And today I am a mom.
What a year it has been for me…I am not sure the words I have to describe the journey, but I feel so lucky to have taken it. Two years ago in April, I was told I was a terrible ovulater, one year ago you asked a question that changed my trajectory and this year I am the mom to the most beautiful baby girl…
Please know that I would do anything for you. I plan on putting a copy of your book in my obs office and my acupuncturist office and I hope that someone else finds their way to you.
I will write more later as I have more time but I wanted to say thank you so much on the anniversary of this day to acknowledge what an amazing and powerful experience those hours were. Thank you for opening your home and sharing your expertise with me.
I would love to do more to help you, so please let me know. I am not on social media, but please feel free to use my words to help others.
lots of love
Nina and Frannie (aka Wiggles)
