If you were to ask me to name some things I most wished for throughout my life, I’d say I often hoped someone would speak up for me.
Growing up with so many stories of unfathomable crimes committed against people closest to me, I was acutely sensitized to injustice but clueless about what I could do to change the status quo. Whenever I perceived that I was treated poorly, unable to challenge the powers that be, I thought, If only I could come upon someone kind and caring, someone far more powerful than me, who would set things right.
It really was that magical double 42: an FSH of 42 at the age of 42 that finally taught me to realize I had a voice of my own and I had a choice.
Without learning to use my own voice, I could be looking for saviors for the rest of my life. I could remain paralyzed by the fear of the powerful Other, letting all those unspoken grievances keep weighing me down, depleting my lifeforce.
That didn’t seem like a viable approach to living my life. Which is why I’m here, hoping to take the conversation further.
Hoping that for you as well, silence will not be a viable choice.
The first, the safest and also the most risky space for voicing all that we haven’t dared to voice before is the privacy of our own heart. We can then grow brave enough speaking those truths in the privacy of a trusted circle of allies. And then perhaps even gain the courage to speak it publicly.
Because for those muted voices within us there is nothing more healing then for once being seen and heard.
Looking back at your family birthing or any other journey, is there something you wish you could’ve voiced? You still can. The Truth doesn’t go anywhere. It’s still there, waiting for you to see it, hear it, speak it.
Recently I realized that I had some self-imposed, arbitrary timelines that were affecting how I felt. As I try to dismantle and reframe those, I feel better. Hearing in the Conception Friendly Space video that we can’t be rooted in the truth of the moment if our minds are racing to get to the next step and worrying about time, was a good reminder for me. This video got me to think about how my practice and daily habits have evolved and the commitment I have shown to myself. I don’t think I really recognized that before.
I also watched Love Thyself No Matter What the Pain video and thought about my orphan that is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had always framed this as a realistic (and sometimes pessimistic) way to view the world, but through the video I recognized that this is the orphan who expects and needs something bad to happen. I had tried the Field of Creation imagery before, but it didn’t land with me. This time, it resonated. I could feel and hear the orphan and feel the shift when I brought forth the imagery of the life I want.
Thank you for sharing these insights, Nadia,both of them are so relatable to me and to so many of us.
Today I feel strange, I was late on my period for 4 days which is not common at all for me, today I was going to take a pregnancy test, but around 9:00 pm yesterday I got my period which is also an a usual time. I was experiencing two forces running in different directions before my period arrived. After I got my period I feel like I have to start all over again. During my practice today, which I changed to practicing pregnancy, my closed eyes felt like they were burning and a few tears came out, because I thought I love our life as a couple just the two of us, but there is so much love that we have to share and I know we will be very loving parents. It felt beautiful.
I have been working with Womb with a View body truth and Pilgrim’s Road Fertile Heart imagery. In the imagery I have been imagining all the ancestors and how they might help me – even just thinking about them when they often are not on my mind. I believe there is a lot to heal in our family – for one thing communication which is very hard when what you’re communicating about is a tender or difficult subject. My husband and I have worked on this a lot over the years. I was never trained to do this growing up – not trained to work with anger in an appropriate way. Mainly I was encouraged to act kind/sweet – what do we do with the other emotions? As a child I remember being kind/sweet then exploding in anger at friends. Where is that middle ground? How can we say what is challenging to us in a way others can hear and possibly respond in the way we are hoping? Thank you for addressing these things, Julia. I have also been working with feeling different parts of my body (focusing on them not actually with touch but mentally). Usually I have an agenda like trying to get a particular body part to relax, but I’ve been working on bringing my attention to body parts without judgement or trying to make them do something different – just noticing them.
So much you’re healing in your family line, Robin. Not easy but so liberating when we can actually feel the change taking place.
Hi all,
After my Fertile practice today, I wrote a letter to my child as suggested in Segment 19.
I found it to be an incredible exercise. I imagine my child reading that letter someday while I was writing it; it felt beautiful. It is something that I would probably have never done if it wasn’t for the fertile practice, so thank you, Julia. I thank my child because I’m doing this work while I wait, and otherwise, I would have never known about it. I feel grateful.
Dear Julia,
I had what felt like an epiphany last weekend and the title of this post kept echoing in my mind. I’ve been reading Dr. Gabor Maté’s book “When The Body Says No”. My mother died a few years ago, after which time I had two huge fights with my previously very close sister. I was on tenterhooks in case my father would find out and regardless of whether anyone was right or wrong I knew I would be the one blamed and left on my own. In the middle of this I started your Intensive series but unfortunately missed the last call when my Dad fell and I didn’t follow it up again for a while. I went from having undetectable inflammation or thyroid antibodies to testing positive for both, albeit at low levels. I also stopped ovulating at this time. It’s been puzzling and frustrating me that I still have inflammatory markers, despite living an ascetic life and taking an immune modulating drug that’s also used for fertility. Then the penny dropped that this reaches beyond conceiving a child to other aspects of my health. I have an orphan who feels unseen who’s been very active in my life. I’ve always “turned the other cheek” and “taken it on the chin”, making excuses for others, being brought up to “be the bigger person”. So I’m really looking out for that now and will have to start speaking up for myself. I was already planning to continue your practice for life but reading further evidence of the damaging consequences of suppressed emotion I see how the longing for a child could indeed save my life. I’ve gone back to basics and have been working with Possibility and a few Body Truth sequences most days. Instead of looking at fertility statistics telling me it’s impossible I’ve been feeding a Visionary who knows it is possible by looking at menopause sites which all insist that you must use contraception! I am so looking forward to the workshop.
Dear Fertile Mamas,
Snow Blanket, good luck on your two paths. Wonderful visionary actions there!
I have been working with the imagery from the teleconference and Rock the Baby Fertile Heart Body Truth. I watched the video about conception friendly environment. I have been not feeling well this week so mostly I have been trying to get well. In the As Fertile as it Gets Chapter of the Fertile Female, I chose ..”and discover that change is possible, that what we feel and believe about ourselves and the world, and the action we choose to take, can make a difference.”
Blessings to all.
Dear Fertile Mamas,
I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season.
Thank you so much Julia for Wednesday’s call.
I am working with the imagery from Wednesday’s call and Rock the Baby Body Truth. I am appreciating having at least a little off-work time to spend with my husband. I am working with not getting so much into my mind – not trying so hard to figure everything out – maybe a little less in my head.
Blessings to all.
Dear Fertile Mamas,
I wish you all a happy, healthy and fertile new year! I have been looking for guidance in my dreams and in the imagery work. The “Fork In The Road” imagery was enlightening. The image that was most peaceful and joyful was the road of a donor egg. The image of a happy, healthy little girl met me on this road, with hand out stretched for mine. I feel attached to the image of this little girl. Trusting this guidance, we have decided to progress with egg donation. Yet the curiosity of the other path is still intriguing and I will go see a different specialist next week to ask questions that I never felt satisfied with the answers I received, to advocate for myself from a place of strength. We will possibly try one more round of IVF. I remember something Julia had said on the last call, that I had a “hungry heart.” This feels true, I am on a journey to satisfy this hunger that I have for so long kept too quiet.
I took a break from my dedicated Fertile Heart practice. For the past two weeks I have been on vacation, surrounding myself with loving friends and family, and spending hours xc skiing through beautiful snowy pine trails. This has been an immensely healing process, and my pain emerges in quiet moments and do my best to compassionately give to the orphan who emerges. I can relate to Purple Parrot’s comment of the ebbs and flows of this practice. Sometimes I wonder how and if I am really birthing my visionary actions. Sometimes these are in plain site, and I wonder if I have internalized some of the fertile heart work. This trip has been a Visionary Action, I have nourished myself with things I love and been aware and an observer of my thoughts and feelings. My desire to have a family and give birth to a healthy child, whether it is biological or not as been solidified. For this moment I am travelling two separate paths. I look forward to joining the circle next week and continuing with this work. I am grateful for this practice. Much love to all.
Dear Fertile Mamas,
Purple Parrot I’m glad you connected in to the call and that makes perfect sense about owning not having enough time.
I’ve been working with the wonderful pregnancy and birth visualization from last Tuesday’s call. Thank you so much for that Julia! And also I have been working with Rock the Baby Fertile Heart body truth. What has come to me lately is that with birth there are contractions and then time to relax/recoup/breathe between contractions. I’m looking at life that way so when I am in the middle of some event or thought, I’m trying to decide if it is a contraction (really serious and I have to take care of it now) or a time between contractions that I can use to restore myself – breathe, etc. I think I often feel like I’m in constant contraction mode.
Blessings to all!
This Fertileheart practice certainly ebbs and flows, at least it does for me. I’ve had months now of trying to do my practice regularly and make decisions about big parts of my life – and struggling to fully feel the work coming through me and I have not felt any progress with birthing new visionaries. I was at the point of allowing the ‘you just can’t do this’ orphan to take the wheel! BUT tonight on the visionary GMT call I finally ‘got into it’ properly in a heartfelt way and felt not just support for each brave Mama on the bench (I always do feel this connection and compassion) but also this eve, a real link to my own journey and a reignition of my own practice. Many thanks to the ladies in the circle for sharing, and thank you of course to Julia . So grateful. I’m working with Fork in the Road and I feel the visionary waiting to be born is the me who can both make her own choices and put her needs first. Action to be taken: recognise my part in it when I complain about not having time to do things AND create that space for myself. Much love to all xx
Dear Fertile Mams.
That is wonderful that you are speaking up for yourself, Anna.
I have been working with tow body truth sequences – the Welcome Home sequence from Julia’s video and Out of the Trap. I am working with consistency. Again I am using this to help with my daughter’s sometimes challenging emotional outbursts as a way of getting out of my head and more into my body. I’m still working with trying to develop more of a sense of how certain events, interactions, and emotions affect my body.
Blessings to all.
I was doing well with disconnecting at 3pm until Friday. I got thyroid results that shocked me at 6pm. I chose to do some research and e-mailed my doctor asking to change to a drug that’s more suitable for pregnancy. I felt much better having a plan as it felt like a crisis initially! I’ve now 17 minutes left and he hasn’t replied. I’m not going to stay connected just in case he replies. So I’ve been broadly sticking to my commitment and speaking up for myself too. I’m working with Issues In Your Tissues and Supporting Ovulation.
So great to hear from you here Anna and congrats on working with that V-action:) and finding some important information for your journey. Sending much love, Julia
Dear Fertile Mamas,
I have been working with the body truth exercise from Juli’s video and most recently with Speak Your Peace Body Truth from the Fertile Heart Body Truth CD. It has been helpful and the body truth video was very enlightening as well. I’m still working on more time for me and more time for sleep as my daughter staying with us has impacted those opportunities at unexpected times.
Blessings to all!
Thanks for this powerful message Julia . I find your work and group calls so thought provoking and healing. Deepest gratitude
Dear Fertile Mamas,
Wonderful to spend time with your son with trains, Clares. That sounds lovely!
I have been working with some of the Guided Meditation from the Body Truth CD and the Teleconference version of Land of Haves imagery. Since my daughter has been back with us and she has a lot of emotional issues, I have been working with my orphans related to that and trying not to get emotionally caught up in all of her challenges. In the past my husband and I have spent tons of time working out solutions with her for everything, but she often does something completely different. So then we were left wondering why we had spent so much time seemingly for nothing – so we are trying to make our assistance less elaborate and trying to be detached from her possibly ignoring it. I am discovering in order to do all this, I need to love myself as intensely as I can and sometimes I am advising her to love herself as well – more of a practice even if she doesn’t believe in herself. That is what is coming to me – is the Ultimate Mom needs me to be as loving towards others in my daily encounters which include work. My husband and I are trying to start a group as a service project that would be what would be the most helpful to our town and what would be most helpful to the world – trying to get participants to agree a year at a time what to focus on. And the action from that group could be as simple as making a small contribution to a group already addressing that issue or all the way to forming a group where no one else is doing anything about it. Our faith teaches us that is is important for the people living in areas to decide what those areas need and work on them verses an outside group saying this worked for me to I know it will work for you and imposing it. So far we have had a few people listening to at least the concept of the group, but no group formation yet. We will probably not do it ourselves, but it is exciting. I listened to Greta Thurnberg and was very impressed with her presentation and focus.
Blessings to all.
Hello
Sorry to hear of your difficult doctors appt Jorjen. Sounds like an inspirational way of managing it though.
I spoke up for myself recently at the GPs and she has prescribed me some thyroid medication for a trial which feels positive.
I have been trying my best to support myself at work and to hold my limits. Or where I can’t and I follow my usual pattern of exhausting myself taking care of everyone I’m trying to support myself with this and not tell myself off.
I’ve been overdoing probably on the playdates for my son and had some lovely time with him this weekend just us playing with his train track which was a tonic to being so busy.
Speak to you all soon on the call x
Dear Fertile Mamas,
JorJen, I am sorry you had such an experience with the fertility doctor. Yay for you for speaking up in your mind.
That is pretty much what I have been doing with myself at work and it feels much better so far. I have also been more consistent with imagery in the evening. I have been working with part of the Guided Meditation on the Body Truth CD and Orchard of Possibilities imagery. I’m still working with nurturing myself as well.
Blessings to all.
I
This is a perfectly timed post for me. I recently had an experience where I was able to speak a very clear truth within the privacy of my own heart. Since I am growing and changing through this practice, I offer it here in a more public space…
I had a yearly exam recently and my truth at the moment was the hope that the new doctor would listen to my full history; complete an extensive exam (and possibly and ultrasound); share stories of the many women my age (43) who had happy and healthy pregnancies; and offer suggestions that did not include extensive medical intervention (unless it was a magical antibiotic/vitamin regimen known to offer a 100% success rate within the next three cycles). What I hoped for was NOT EVEN CLOSE to what happened. Thankfully, I was grounded and steadied by the Fertile Heart practice. Without my experience with the practice (the books, the calls, the workshop, and now the videos!), I believe I would have been completely crushed and frantically starting down a path that I feel is radically unnecessary, and potentially harmful for myself, my family, and my future child.
I arrived an hour early for my morning appointment. I waited anxiously in the lobby and was happy to have my name called and be escorted back by a friendly nurse. She noted that my blood pressure was a bit high, but not too concerning. I am more nervous than I thought, I laughed to myself. I waited for the doctor to come in while sitting on the table in the provided gown. I heard her chatting outside with other clinic staff about the weather, her outfit, and plans for the weekend. I was relieved when she came in and we could get down to business. Before the exam, she asked if there was anything she should know. I asked if I could share a little history with her. I began to tear-up as I shared about my four miscarriages that followed two easy and wonderful pregnancies and births. She interrupted and said she suspected I was here for infertility as she looked at the notes in my chart. I briefly forged ahead sharing my lifestyle changes and the Fertile Heart work. For the 60 seconds that I did so, the doctor sat with her arms crossed and eyes closed. Really! I stopped talking and braced myself for what I expected to come.
The doctor said (with arms still crossed); if you are serious about having another baby, your only option is IVF with donor eggs. As people age, their eggs become lazy at making babies. You will simply have more miscarriages if you continue. You need to get on the donor waiting list now, since most clinics have age cut-offs that you are approaching. It is very expensive, but it is the only way you will have another baby. If that is something you want to do, I will give you the contact information of two clinics in the area. I know the docs there, and they are fabulous. They are doing amazing things these days. They can even find a donor who looks like you!! They will make sure to only use a viable embryo and that way you don’t have to worry about chromosomal abnormalities. Looking at your AMH number, it is what is preventing you from ever having another pregnancy with your own eggs. I mean that AMH number is beyond low. We know that numbers only get worse, never better. Be sure and follow up with a message and let me know what you decide! Oh yes, you can continue to take the Progesterone supplements if you really want to. Research makes it clear that they do not help in any way, but at least they do not hurt you.
While she talked at me with tones of scolding (why are you bothering me with such a scientifically hopeless case); superiority (why would you even think a baby is possible without donor eggs); cheer (there are options for you if you spend the money); and dismissal (let me know if you get a baby) my head was swirling with responses… If I am SERIOUS about having another baby??!!! Don’t I look pretty f-ing serious??! My ONLY option?? How convenient the “docs” at the IVF clinic are friends of yours. Oh you want to give me the contact information? Don’t even bother! I have already stumbled across those in the early stages of my journey. How lovely that each clinic is located in the two most affluent suburbs of the metro area. Is that a coincidence, you have to be kidding me!! This infertility business is so gross! How special to know that I can have a chromosomaly perfect child that even looks like me!!! Hooray! Too bad that is not at all what I was looking for when I set forth to bring new life into the world. Do you treat all patients like this, or just the old ones? How much money are you making to spew out this “expert opinion” (I found out later is was over $800!)?? You present as though you learned everything you needed to in med school, and that your practice hasn’t grown at all. You think I am wasting your time? YOU are wasting MY time! AMH number, is that all you can focus on??? There are plenty of studies that say an AMH number is meaningless, however, you must not have read those. The numbers only get worse, never better??!! Your range of understanding is pathetic. Progesterone is useless, pardon me while I double my dose because I don’t trust a thing you have to say!!
She went on to do a completely superficial exam that lasted all of 30 seconds. She cheerfully handed me the card with the numbers for the clinic she looked up on-line and headed out the door.
I cannot wait to get out of here, I thought.
Without the Fertile Heart practice, it is likely that I would have rushed to make an appointment in the swanky suburb. My husband and I would have anxiously leveraged all of our assets to make this dream come true, no matter what the cost or the number of treatments required. We would be sitting discussing the features of this donor vs. that one and prepping for the next medical steps we had been frightened into believing were completely necessary.
In my heart, that is not the right path for me. Instead, after leaving the clinic I read chapters of The Fertile Female (for the 4th time!!), practiced imagery, and did some dream reading, while waiting for the next visionary call coming up in just about a week.
My voice is growing stronger and it starts within my own heart. I have such deep gratitude for this practice and the support from the Fertile Heart community!
Yay for you Jorjen! You’ve got me all fired up! My sister had kids at 43 and 44 and my own AMH went up and down a lot when I was testing it. I spent far too long obsessing over numbers and always dreaded seeing doctors, sitting clenching my jaws and smiling politely. I even laughed with her when the doctor told me there was no need for a sperm analysis as I was the problem. I was brought up to be stoic about things and not make anyone else uncomfortable which I now see isn’t a good way to live. It’s a hard habit to change though! I’m working on The Doorway to the Expert Within and doing a bit with The Wailing Wall when I get angry. The Doorway to The Expert Within is soothing.
Dear Fertile Mamas,
Wonderful work, Danu, to uncover this reluctance to make a fuss and work on it.
I have been working with the Guided Meditation from the Body Truth CD and the Playground Imagery as modified on the call. I’ve been still working with supporting myself more in my mind at work and most of the time that is very helpful. I’ve also been trying to continue to carve out time for me (self-nurturing) and work on doing imagery more consistently in the evening.
Blessings to all!
Thank you for this. It’s something I really struggle with, not wanting to make a fuss yet resenting other people’s insensitivity. I’ve been working with Room of Fear and The Orphans.
Dear Fertile Mamas,
Wonderful work, Roselove!
I have continued to work with supporting myself at work by saying good things to myself and not waiting for my manager to support me. Most days that helps a lot. I am continuing to to nurture myself. I am working with The Playgound from Fertile Heart Imagery I modified like in the call and part of the Guided Meditation body truth.
Blessings to all.
I have been finding ways to support myself. I have been working with my orphans for the last 2 weeks. I have been doing the field of creation imaginery work everyday and dealing with my fears, anger, frustrations that appear by the days go by, when different situations or comments trigger my orphans. My dreams are coming clearer and vivid also and some make me wake up really anxious and fearful but I know it’s an opportunity to look inside me and clear the path to
meet my baby half way.
I also supporting myself by changing my sleep ruitine. I used to go sleep at 12am or even past that, being at the computer or telephone. I am turning off any electrical by 9pm and read something or journal and sleep by 10.30pm. And it feels so comforting to look after myself.
I am so thankfull for this community.
Dear Fertile Mamas,
My assignment is to do something delicious for myself. This is a difficult assignment for me so I am taking baby steps. I have been working on taking moments out to breathe as deeply as I can and then focus on an area of my body that needs attention and bring relaxation there. I also enjoyed ballroom dancing with my husband in the living room last night to some music he picked out! I have been working with the Guided Meditation from the Body Truth Cd and using the the Grand Hall of Forgiveness imagery from Imagery I as modified in the call.
Blessings to all.
Dear Fertile Mamas,
When I was growing up there were a lot of things that didn’t seem right – and today as well. I feel that part of my voice is being part of a Faith whose major principles include the elimination of all forms of prejudice and the establishment of more real justice for all.
I have been working with part of the Guided Meditation from the Body Truth CDs and Meeting Your Child Halfway from Fertile Heart Imagery II.
Blessings to all!
The truth sets you free. As does your incredible practice. Thank you for guiding the way. This piece resonates and means a lot.