The power of the Shame Orphan
My last blog was about the courage to speak up for what we value, which appears to be a topic that may need a bit more unpacking. One of the stunning, generous comments by H. inspired the continuation of that dialogue.
This is part of the comment:
“Also, thanks for the prompt to look at why I haven’t engaged with your Facebook page. Shame is a powerful force in my life, so I do really need to look at that. Right now, the answer I am giving myself is: I’m needing the privacy, like the inside of a chrysalis, to show up at this in all my vulnerability. It’s a process that I am sharing only with my closest friends and family, not all the acquaintances and colleagues I am connected with on fb. However, it’s a good point that some of them may be suffering the shame of ‘infertility’ in silence and without the support, richness, and life-affirmingness of Fertile Heart. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”
And this is my answer:
I, of course, fully understand the need to remain private. Most readers of this blog, I imagine, would say, if not out loud, to themselves:
Yeah, me too, I don’t want everyone to know about my fertility woes, I have to protect my privacy.
Remembering the crushing weight of shame
after my own diagnosis, I certainly understand the need to be careful about what we choose to share and whom we choose to share it with. I can easily recall the shame of wanting something so badly; the shame of my perceived brokenness that set my apart from all those unbroken perfect Others.
Oh, the stories of the orphaned child!
I also remember the pivotal moment in my journey when I understood that healing the Orphan of Shame was one of the gifts of this sacred assignment. I knew that although that Orphan may never quite vanish, this was my once in a lifetime chance to take her hand and escort her into a brand new reality.
My most fertile Self and my daughter were conceived in that moment.
No. I was not yet pregnant, but the shift within was palpable.
I knew then, that I was going to be a mother of two, no matter what. I understood that the manner in which the child arrived was less important than who I got to become as I lived my way toward welcoming that child into our family.
You and I, dear H. had a conversation not long ago, in which you graciously shared with me that although you’ve experienced many different healing modalities, you found “my approach” especially healing.
Here’s a secret.
What makes our dialogue and our teleconference circles healing is not “my approach.” It’s true, that the Fertile Heart OVUM work has by now evolved into a healing modality with its own language, philosophy, specific tools. But it’s not a “system” that works the way penicillin cures infections.
What makes our circles healing is our relationship. What makes it healing is what I can hear in your voice, the discoveries we get to conceive because of who we are, and how you allow my words to land in your body. Sometimes those discoveries, as in T’s wonderful story about her wacky hormones, are quite prosaic. But they can change the course of your journey and it’s our relationship that allows it to happen. To conceive the inconceivable that we may not be able to conceive with anyone else.
What makes our circles at times more powerful than years of drugs—what makes any encounter between people healing—is the level of intimacy we dare to risk.
The love we dare to feel for one another.
I’m hugely grateful for having a job in which I get to meet people like you and love them.
For me, there is no greater gift we humans can receive than a chance to meet one more person we can love.
Now to the braver questions and braver answers.
Does it matter to me that most people are ashamed to say hello to me on Facebook and acknowledge the value of the work which they claim changed their lives?
Yes, it does and YES I bow to it as a part of my glorious assignment. Our wonderful Fertile Heart team keeps refining our outreach efforts through exciting new projects such as the Fertile Heart Affiliate Program, and more people are learning about us.
Still, does shame make it a lot harder for me to reach the woman prepping for her 10th IVF cycle?
Yes, it does.
Then again, it’s not about me, or you or our engagement on Facebook.
It’s about what we get to co-create with the people who cross our path on this wondrous adventure.
It’s about how much more fertile we get to be, when you and I are brave enough to shamelessly love each other. When we are free enough to be shamelessly grateful to each other and express that gratitude through action.
When we become so clear about who we are and what our task is on the human trek, that we don’t give a damn about our four hundred Facebook friends who most likely have their own lives to live and couldn’t care less about our comments. Comments which, after all, can reveal as much or as little as we are ready to reveal about our connection with the said page.
The stakes are high for both of us.
If we don’t find out what it is we’re truly ashamed off and begin the journey into a braver reality; if we don’t ask for what we need in order to be born into our next Self, there is little hope that we will reach the one person that will hear us.
Because, as we both know, sometimes that’s all it takes.
So…valiant Fertile Heart Visionary Mamas, what is it, that is so shameful for you, and for so many of us, about our longing to love a child?
All,
I really resonated with so many of the comments from everyone. And I was touched by those who responded to mine or acknowledged me. Thank you, it means so much to be seen in this way. Since the last call, I really have put a lot more effort toward imagery as I admitted that I hadn’t been doing it consistently so no wonder it was not “working”. I have been doing Learning How to Ask twice a day for the past two weeks, and only missed one morning. One some days when I had a strong orphan come up, I would do Field of Creation afterward. I realized some interesting things, one that I don’t know how to ask for what I want without being whiny or demanding, and that it is really hard for me to ask for anything in real life. It has been showing me some new orphans too, like one who thinks this is unfair and another who thinks that I need to prove that I deserve to have a baby before I would be given one. So far, I only remember pieces of dreams but not an entire one with a message. The other thing I wanted to share was that at last week’s staff meeting they did a photo recap of all the babies that had been born during the year. I happened to be working from home but I was so glad not to see it with others around. It nearly brought me to tears and I am sure they had no idea it would be upsetting. And then on Thursday I found out a male coworker’s wife is pregnant with twins! Yes, it never ends in my workplace, constant reminders. I actually shared openly about this struggle with a group of people (not coworkers) and they were very supportive but so many of them said “you could always adopt”. I know they are trying to help but I did feel pitied which is not what I want either. But I did it to try to break out of the shame cycle at least in that setting. I also had my annual gyn visit last week and she said to try a fertility clinic, that there is not much more she can do for me. I am dreading going back to one because I know exactly what they will say and that my chances are even worse now than a year ago. So I am still stuck in indecision about what is the right next step on this journey for me.
Dear Sofi
Please hang in there. I couldn’t resist responding to your post. It just felt like I was seeing a part of me speaking and writing this post. I had the exact same experiences and emotions in the past and even as of today when I was reading your post, I could just feel the pain instantly. Esp when you mentioned about the baby photo recap, it just hit the spot. I can certainly feel your emotions. I have the exact same situation at my work. Minimum 3-4 women or my colleagues wives get pregnant every year, our team does baby showers in team meetings and its all the preggo talk, the baby talk. It felt like my heart was being slowly pierced with a sharp knife in different ways. It felt so suffocating. I was very cautious as to whom I shared my journey with as I hated the inputs that they gave. Again its our orphan that reacts to such situations too. But after really practicing “Learning to ask” and actually closely observing how I communicated (I literally became conscious of my talk), I did share my journey with my manager. But I made sure it was conveyed in V voice. I told her I get upset, jealous, hurt, but then I have these tools with which I work on my emotions. She was so proud of how I was dealing with all this. I explained to her how i changed my food choices etc but all that was conveyed in a way saying that yes its a tough time for me, but I do believe a day will come when I have my baby. I was cautious to make sure I showed no self pity or self sympathy. Everytime I spoke, I used to re-evaluate and kept thinking what parts did come from orphan voice and which ones were from V rooted and how could I improve. Body truth, field of creation, OVUM imagery exercises and few more that brought the orphan out of me where very useful. I used to dedicatedly do imagery every morning and evening especially when I was onsite, as the number of orphans in me just mmultiplied with all the day long talks that went on. So to have a smmooth day FH tools were must and were high on priority :))
Its a pretty tough journey SOFI, but I am sure you will be one of the snowflakes :)
Good luck
Sofi, I agree with the other poster to hang in there. I too, was told by my OBGYN to see a fertility clinic, because the getting pregnant part was not her area of expertise. I went to one last year and it was a terrible experience. After having two miscarriages this year, I went back to a new one but did so in from a Visionary perspective. I actually rehearsed what I was going to say. They were surprisingly supportive and it was a completely different experience than the first clinic that treated me like some old lady who had the audacity to try to get pregnant at 40. I understand your orphans about feeling undeserving. Often times I think that a baby will come only when I have “perfected” the FH practice. What does that even mean? I also feel your pain about others around you having such ease with getting pregnant. That happens so often on social media too. I’m just trying to take one day at a time, and not beat myself up over perceived failures. Some days are easier than others, but we’re all in this together and the FH network is a great place for all of us!
These last 6 months have been a real struggle for me. In that time, I have had two miscarriages. I’m ashamed that though I know what I need to do, I haven’t truly committed to doing it, because it just feels too hard. It’s overwhelming. It’s so frustrating to want something so badly and it doesn’t happen, especially when it seems to come so easily to others. I keep trying to get back on the wagon and move past these miscarriages, but at times I am so sad to think that two of my children ended up as a faded memory literally flushed down the toilet. I keep wanting to choose another way of thinking about this but feel I’m still waiting. And then there’s the fear orphan. I’m ashamed that I’ve given her too much power. I fear that my friends (especially those who have more than one child) pity me. Many of them don’t know how to be supportive. They do don’t know what to say, if they should say anything, some say completely the wrong things like my favorite, “just try to relax.” Then the anger and lonliness orphan come up. I carry so much fear about my son being a “lonely only child” because I am an only child that didn’t grow up with family. I’m not ashamed, however, of doing this work, quite the opposite. I’m proud of my association with FH and I believe in it. It sounds like I just need to believe in myself a little more.
Feeling the same way. Not wanting my daugher to be an only child (she has older half-brothers), but wishing I had worried more about that in the years when it would have been a lot easier to have a second child. Now thinking people will think I’m crazy for wanting another when my daughter is 9.
To all beautiful mamas – I have been following all of your comments with interest and a lot of identification with many of the comments regarding shame. It is interesting how the advent of Facebook and social media has affected our journeys. In some ways, it makes our journeys feel more difficult, but in other ways, how would I ever have found you all without the internet and the potential for connection?
I actually took what I felt was a visionary-rooted step about six months ago and stopped checking Facebook. I was using it in a very orphan-rooted way – I went on just trying to find pictures of pregnancies, babies, quotes about parenting. I guess in a way I was trying to make myself feel bad. Kind of like pushing a bruise. I also didn’t feel like it helped with my friendships and feeling of connection. It made me feel more isolated, which I have struggled with all my life – not feeling a part of the larger community. Sadly, I thought my baby would fix that. I didn’t really realize that until I started doing the Backpack imagery. Now I am trying to work on some of those connections that I have found so elusive.
ButterflyFaith – I hear you about negative feelings – shame and anger related to other people’s pregnancies when there is a part of me that perceives that they are undeserving. I want to get away from judging my negative emotions. Because then I just get into a vicious cycle of judgment and negative feelings about myself. That isn’t helping anything! Emotions come and we are not bad people for feeling them (I am telling myself this as much as you :D).
I am also struggling a bit with my imagery. In the past, I have had very powerful and relevant dreams. But for the last two weeks, I have been working with Busy Being Born, waiting anxiously for a revealing dream, and not much. I had one about being judged by my physician colleagues for not using birth control and another a visit from my father, who passed away 16 years ago. But nothing very clear – I recommended he read a book I liked. Random.
I am looking forward to our call tomorrow.
My new source of shame is the anger I feel whenever I hear of someone “unworthy” who gets a baby. Today I heard of someone who is older than me, with an alcohol and drug problem, in an unfaithful union to a man much older, who just had another baby. I feel shame that my first response is anger and the injustice of the situation. I have this misconception that life is supposed to be fair and just, so when it’s not, I get angry. It doesn’t help my situation at all and in fact it makes me feel worse. But I can’t help it. I see people who don’t earn their children (I know, I know. We don’t earn them. We meet them halfway. But right now the “earning” part seems to fit) or all of these blessings showered upon them and I get bitter and angry. That shames me. I know it’s my “That’s not fair!” foot-stomping, crossed-arms, scowling-faced orphan. But honestly, she’s winning tonight.
So, what’s my plan? I am going to do some serious Body Truth tonight to let this orphan have her temper tantrum. Then I’m going to do Sacred Choices like my life depended on it. Or maybe Field of Creation. That’s always a good one. Then I’m going to watch some TV, get to bed and see what messages the UM has for me tonight. My imagery has been weak lately. I’m not feeling it. But I also realized I’ve been running full-steam this entire week, and I have not prioritized my 20 minutes of me-time at the end of each day. I’m squeezing in imagery when I can, and I’m so exhausted I’m falling asleep toward the end sometimes. I suppose it’s no wonder my orphan elbowed her way through to the front of the line tonight. Hmm, maybe some Elbows First might be in order?
Yes, feeling very angry and fed up and just over all of this waiting and trying and researching while others don’t even have to try but take home the grand prize. But I know I can turn this anger into a fight forward. Might as well feed the dragon who can fly me out of this pit instead of the one who will eat me, right?
Butterflyfaith – totally relate to this and had the same response when I read the article (which of course I saw on FB, shouldn’t have done that!) about the transgender MAN who had been taking testosterone for 10 years and then had to go off for a few weeks due to surgery and got pregnant. What??? Now men are getting pregnant? So unfair! Arms crossed, stomping into bedroom slamming door.
Gorgeous quote Esther, thanks for sharing it with us. It is true on so many of levels and parallels so much with Julia’s work. Good luck on your journey. X
Dear Braveheart, Frida, Butterflyfaith, Chopin, Brave Caterpillar, Esther, Purnima, Miraclehope, heartsease, Stacy, gutsymama, Sofi, Lori, TracyM, FearlessRosw and Sarah,
Thank you so much for being here
Braveheart – Sometimes we’re so hard on ourselves but it’s good to be aware.
Frida- Thank you for sharing
Butterflyfaith – Wow – sounds like guilt is there too. How many people in their 60’s do you see in wheelchairs?
Esther – Wonderful quote.
Chopin – Great there are plenty of children for everyone! Yay for being a beautiful daughter.
Brave Caterpillar -Yay for going to the workshop.
Esther – Good Luck with egg donation!
Purnima Wonderful work.
Miraclehope – When you felt your body baby support you you didn’t need everyone else’s support Awesome! Great for healing with parents
heartsease – There is no shame in wanting to love a child. Wonderful! Good luck exploring.
Stacy 0 It’s wonderful to have Fertile Heart.
gutsymama – people’s comments can be challenging.
Sofi – Yay for perserverance
Lori Wonderful to hear from you hugs!!
TracyM -Wonderful for spending time with the shame orphan
FearlessRosw – Wonderful work.
Sarah – Great work with tuning in.
I have been doing body truth of Robin who doesn’t need other’s approval and Meeting Your Child Halfway Fertile Heart imagery. Those tools feel good to me right now and I try to be faithful about doing them morning and evening so I am proud of myself for that. I just realized last night in talking to a friend that there are many people around with lots of challenges in different areas and I don’t think fertility has the corner on the market with shame. It’s just we don’t know everyone’s path. Also, I just feel inspired to continue this path wherever it leads.
Blessings!!!
Dear Miraclehope,
Thank you very much for your comments and your reflection to my note. It means a lot to me. I have now confirmed what I’m feeling:that this problem of mine and diagnosis is a guiding post and the beginning of a continuous learning journey, a journey that will lead me to a better life. Now I have to think carefully of the steps to be taken…
With love
Dear Julia/lovely fertile mamas
My shame orphan is walking hand in hand with my anger orphan. I am ashamed that I am angry because I forgot about the teleconference series. I am ashamed about my age 45, so that I rarely tell the truth about my age. Sometimes when I need to fill in some personal informations, I am writing wrong datas about my year of birth not to be able people to calculate my real age. I am also ashamed because I am not married to my partner and I want to have a baby with him. I am aware that we are blessed with 10 years of relationship full of love and I shouldn’t care about what people gossip, but sometimes I feel inexplicable shame.
I am ashamed about other mamas being able to conceive and me not. Sometimes, one of my orphans is shouting out loud that my partner deserves to have a biological child and I am not able to offer it to him.
I am ashamed because I have circles around my eyes and because the mother of my sister in law is same age as me…
Thank you for listening to me,
Love,
Frida
Frida, I do the same thing with my age. I routinely take about 10 years off of my age on forms I fill out online or elsewhere. I don’t even tell my kids my real age. I hate my age and I hate that I hate it. That stokes my shame fire. And I cringed with you about the mother-in-law comment. I, too, freak out when I hear things like that. One of my friends at my daughter’s school is, I come to find out, in her late 20s and her mother is not much older than I am. Holy hell. Are you kidding me? I often wonder if I would have such age shame if I was not trying to having another baby and play this “young woman’s game.” I wonder if I would even think twice about my age or feel as old as I do sometimes if I were not on this road.
I do this as well. I recently turned 41 but look younger. I also appear younger because my son is the same age as the children of the 20 something moms. I know for sure that I would not give one care in the world about my age if it was not for the desire to have more children.
Me too! My hate issues surrounding my age are ALL connected to how it relates to fertility/having babies. One time I was sitting with a group of school friends as our daughters played. One was going on an on about how “OLD” her aunt was when she had her cousin–45! And how her OWN parents are 50. As in I am not that much younger than my friend’s parents. Holy hell. It was then I realized that my friends have no idea how old I am! ha ha.
Dear Frida,
I resonated with your post so much, as I am also 45 and trying. I feel the same way about wanting my husband to have a biological child and feeling guilty that I can’t give it to him, and that if he really wanted one, he could go find a younger woman and would probably have no trouble at all. He is 2 years younger so he is in his 40s too, but we know it’s different for men. I don’t try to hide my age though, and only recently did I feel so ashamed of it. I used to delight in the fact that people thought I was 10 years younger than I am, so I was almost proud of it. But your post also reminded me of something my European relatives said when I visited them in my 20s, that I was already an old lady and should hurry up and get married. I imagine their shock if I were to get pregnant at this age and the fact that they would think I was crazy to do this now. All I can say right now is hang in there, you are not alone!
Dearest Fertile Mamas
I have arrived back in the UK today and it is so wonderful to read your posts. The feeling of community is palpable.
Thank you ML for your comments which were very helpful. I know in my heart that it is a pure blessing to become a mother, no matter how your baby chooses you. I am struggling with the difference between giving up on my dream of a biological child and surrendering to what is. My ego orphan kicks and screams and says “why not me”. I have no doubt that when I am pregnant, that I will love this child with a passion and commitment that would not be deeper if it were my own biological child. I am also incredibly grateful to have found a wonderful donor and to have access to the technology that makes this possible. I am working hard on loving my orphans so that they are soothed and comforted.
I found a wonderful quote this evening by Rainer Maria Rilke which I feel sums up this work so well –
“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”
Take care. Love, Esther x
I love that quote! I’m going to print it out and keep it where I can see it often. Thank you for posting.
Beautiful, beautiful quote, Esther. Thanks for sharing this with us. With all my love.
I completely get what you say Ester and I guess that part of me will never ever give up. I always was dreaming of twins. But when I had my very first ultrasound and saw just 1 gestational sac, the instant reaction I could sense was “Yay, my next baby will be sharing my genes”. I never gave up on my body in this whole process, absolutely I am hopeful that one day suddenly my body might give me a surprise (Like Denyse K – I just love her story, gives me goosebumps everytime i read it). I can see this reaction from 2 angles, one my V never gave up, I absolutely feel and see that my body is amazingly fertile, if not it wouldn’t have supported the pregnancy in the first place. I can’t blame it as baby making is a miracle no matter what route we take. And my very first response to Julia during my very first call to her question “What if I don’t have a biological child…..” completing this sentence still rings in my ear :). Thanks to all her guidance and imagery practice, I am glad the V eventually showed up.
But then there is a O voice also in this reaction, which thinks, at least next baby might look like me. That’s the only thing that I am kind of a bit attached to i guess. Other than that, I think obviously my baby will behave like how I do, she will be under my care, she hears and shares my emotions, my responses, reflexes. My husband keeps saying looks are the last thing to worry about and he never gets why I am stuck on that aspect. But that’s just a sticky point for me. I really couldn’t come up with a good answer on what happens if she/he doesn’t look like me or my husband?
Dear Julia and everyone,
thank you for continuing the theme of shame. I realized when I you asked me last circle what was my age and what was my husband age that I am ashamed of our age difference. I never thought I was, yet it became clear when I said the two numbers at the circle. My shame was shouting at my face, you are 14 years apart, what did you expect, etc etc. It truly hit the spot. Thank you for introducing me to the Eva who is afraid to claim the love of her life as the perfect husband. Here is to Nick who has been with me on this journey and who I enjoy imagining bringing our kids we hope to have one day. I am happy to announce that I followed the wild woman call last weekend and did something which used to be terrifying – a weekend in the spa with two girlfriends, we went to Marienbad. It was such pleasure to sit by the pool, sauna, and in general being around women. I was asked about my desire for kids, we exchanged storied of miscarriages, births, postpartum depressions, our fathers, siblings, etc etc. I am so grateful I opened myself to being with other women, and not always alone. One of the most memorable stories was that when my friend became pregnant she met two of her friends and said ‘I have some news to tell you – I am pregnant!’ and they both said ‘So am I’. Three friends got pregnant at the same time and shared it at the same time. So I am sharing this with you who write that you don’t know if you should desire more since you already have children, there is plenty for everyone. Having a child doesn’t mean your friend won’t have their own children later on. I am thankful to be part of this forum and the circles.
Hello mommas,
Thank you for your comments and your openness. I also was in Julia’s last workshop and she said something about how there are so many lies around us and the workshop was going to be a place of truth. I found truth there as I find it here in this circle and it is so comforting and inviting to do the same, to be truthful and vulnerable, because here we all are, even if it is still scary sometimes (for me), I know here I will find support and love, out there I don’t know.
I agree that Facebook and other social media are scary places. Specially because over there we all tend to show a side of ourselves that is positive (in our minds), we post when we are traveling, getting married, having babies, and overall having a good time. We don’t post our struggles, our fights, our “bad days.” And on top of that, I have also found people getting more uncomfortable than me when I mention something related to this journey. It could be because of fertility being a taboo, because it is related to sex, they don’t know what to say, or who knows. The most interesting question is why I don’t want to share it? What do I feel shame about? The answer is that I have always felt shame for so many things and these are some of the shame orphans I can think about. One that feels shame for not feeling good enough, another orphan who feels shame to let people know how she feels about herself and who is proud and doesn’t like people’s pity, and one more (who I just discovered today) that actually likes pity because she wants to be rescued, she wants people’s attention and care, and she doesn’t want to grow up and realize the power she has and that she can take care of herself.
So what I got from this post is very powerful. These shame orphans are orphans who are afraid to live, I have seen them before, afraid to open up and dare to let people in, to love and be loved. I am so so thankful for this post and for your comments for letting me see this. I think I can post or not post on Facebook, see or not see people that I disagree with or that I don’t like, as long as I am doing it from a visionary point of view, where I am not afraid to let people know of what I think, feel, or do with my life because I value and accept those thoughts, feelings and actions. This will release all this pressure from my shoulders and would allow me to go on and meet people with similar ways of looking at life or journeys as I have done when I joined this circle. The first workshop I was so scared I even felt sick and threw up a couple of times before it started. Then when the workshop was over I felt great. I have allowed myself to open up and had the wonderful experience of meeting Julia and all of these wonderful people. Now I have to keep reminding myself about this and keep going …
Dear Brave Caterpillar,
It is such a pleasure to see your comment. I remember feeling really good when you shared a bite from my lunch box in the lunch break during the workshop. Our brief talk over the lunch, inspired me to sign up for the introductory teleconference series in January. So thank you for sharing your journey with me given the very small window that we had to interact in a one-on-one fashion. I wasn’t aware of your fears when you went for your first workshop. But i do admit feeling scared myself before coming to the workshop – which is my first one, that somehow I may fall sick, and i miss the workshop. Not that I fall sick often, but more often than I like. But it’s a pattern with me, a few times that something happens to me while on a vacation. It’s happened three times in a row, that sometimes I am afraid of going on trips. But I need to break out of that pattern and that fear (may be this too is an orphan). I understood emotionally how important this workshop was for me, and I didn’t want anything to come in its way, and that’s why I feared of falling sick and not making it. I am so thrilled that I made it. I was also thrilled that my husband agreed to join me for the workshop. Our original plan was that we would drive together and back while I am at the workshop. Julia sent me a note the night before the workshop to ask him one more time. In the morning before we left we saw the Fertile Heart Success stories video, I quickly read parts of the article to him while we were having our breakfast. And he agreed to come.
Right after the workshop, I was looking to connect with other Fertile heart mums who were with me in the workshop. I was very happy to see one comment on this blog post (thank you Esther for connecting here), and then I saw yours a few days after. I just wanted to drop by and say hello to you. And also wanted to acknowledge that I liked hearing your voice on our post workshop call that Julia graciously organized just for our workshop attendees. I made a lot of notes during our teleconference. I have this habit of taking notes almost obsessively that sometimes I fear that I may miss the message in the rush of recording every word from Julia. In the workshop, it was a different experience, because Julia asked us to keep our pens by the side for the most part. I enjoyed the experiential part of the workshop, and the healing that we all did for each other.
I recall a specific homework that Julia gave you, and the one that I was hoping to do myself. But I have difficulty trying to remember a song that would fit. I am still looking. She said look for a song that you liked to dance to when you were 16, or 15. I can’t believe that I can’t think of such a song. It makes me wonder, did I not have a happy time growing up? In that age in my life, I simply recall the hours spent reading or committing to memory/cramming many many pages of text for one exam or another. I did a lot of that. I wonder if I stopped smelling the roses on the way when I was in that age group. I guess may be I will settle for any dance sequence for now that jogs memories of me being in my home country in my parents’ home. I hope you have found your teen favorite song, and have been doing your homework!
Esther – it was lovely to meet you too, and all of you fertile moms. It was nice to read your new comment on this blog, Esther, and thanks for sharing the quote by Rainer Maria Rilke.
It was nice reconnecting with all the workshop fertile heart moms at the teleconference. I don’t know your names on the blog. But if you read this comment, you know I am rooting for you all, and also those that we missed in the phone call.
Take care, With love,-Purnima.
Purnima,
I am so sorry I took me this long to reply to such a beautiful and honest post. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I didn’t see it right away. One day I couldn’t sleep and I woke up and started reading the blog and found your post. I was very happy to hear from you!
I am so glad you were able to make it to the workshop and that you signed up for the introductory series!
Did you do the exercise about dancing? I did it for a week but I liked it so much I might do it again. What I did to remember which songs I listened to I sent a message to a group chat I have with some of my childhood friends, they have better memory than me. I also googled hits from the 1990’s haha. Then it started coming on its own, I ended up doing a very long playlist, it was fun. What you mentioned about dancing to songs you listened to with your family sounds also amazing. I think what mattered most was the experience of dancing when nobody is watching you, I made very weird moves, I felt embarrassed even when nobody was watching. Then I didn’t care in the end.
So I wish you all the best in this journey, hope to see you again around here or in our calls.
Love, Carolina
Dearest Fertile Mamas
I am in Woodstock having been to Julia’s workshop today. We had such a wonderful day full of insights, connection and fun. It reinforced the beauty of this work and the opportunity that it brings for growth and walking in the truth.
On such an emotional journey, it is hard for me not to feel shame. We are preparing for an egg donation cycle and I have told none of our family or friends other than my brother and sister in law. This has been a lonely journey and the opportunity to connect with you, either at the workshop, on the calls or via the blogs is such a blessing for which I am very grateful.
Take care. Love, Esther x
Hi Esther,
I was at the workshop with you yesterday. It is such a pleasant surprise to see your comment on this blog post that I just read. I had been thinking about connecting with the fertile mamas from yesterday’s workshop. And here I am! This is my very first engagement with the Fertile Heart community blog. I feel lucky to have found this community.
I admit to having the Shame orphan. It took me some time to “Like” the Fertile Heart Facebook page although I found it some time ago. After reading this blog post and reading the comments, I decided to go ahead and like the two most recent entries on Fertile Heart Facebook page.
Before I signed up for the workshop, I shared Julia’s work with a friend of mine who has been trying for her second baby. She liked what she saw from Julia’s Youtube videos, and is going to buy her books.
I hope the word gets out faster and more fertile mamas who resonate with this work find Julia and this wonderful community.
Love,
-Purnima
Dear Esther
I just wanted let you know that I have been through the same journey and it is pure blessing to become a mother no matter how your baby chooses you. So congratulations on your decision. Also coming to sharing the decision with everyone, I just wanted to provide what we did. There was a time when we informed our parents and we had their complete support. But at that time, we expected support and looked for strength from them and that cycle failed. But this time, once we made a decision, we just didn’t share with anyone. When my HEART – her majesty made a decision and my body baby gave its consent, I felt fully supported and strengthened to go this path. I did lots of imagery work to arrive at this juncture. So it didn’t make much sense to really share this with anyone not because I wanted to hide, but because I didn’t feel a need for everyone to know about it and wasn’t expecting anything in return. I didn’t want any kind of discussions around this now and forever. This group is the only one who knows about my decision :)
Hope this helps a little
Esther,
I am so happy to hear you went to the workshop and it brings memories of being there myself. How lucky we are to have each other!
Thank you dear Julia and beautiful Mamas
It has been at once heart wrenching and healing reading the comments to this blog: Heart wrenching to hear how much pain we feel, and how much we hurt ourselves, and how many people say such painful and unhelpful things at such painful and unhelpful times. Healing to hear other women sharing similar shames, and realising we have common stories, and that I don’t find it shameful when looking at someone else’s journey.
So this blog really threw me into the centre of the shame that had been lying not far below the surface. Because of that, I was able to explore it, and I wrote several pages in my FH journal of what I felt ashamed of. It was very enlightening. There were a few themes that emerged. The first actually made me laugh when I understood its implications. It was a deep shame that I was failing to meet my own needs. But no-one can become pregnant on their own, right? I mean, even the Virgin Mary had Angel Gabriel?! I know where this O comes from, and clearly her story isn’t that funny, but I didn’t know she was wreaking havoc here too; telling me I’m useless that I can’t do it by myself, and leaving me ashamed to ask for help. I still need to take her (back) to the field of creation, and nurture her some more, but something in my body just let go once I had discovered her in this particular playground.
Other themes that felt important were: I’ve asked too much (again!), this time by waiting so long for a good enough relationship, and then hoping to be able to conceive aged 41 (hallo fellow 41-ers gutsymama and Braveheart!). And as of a few weeks ago, I am asking even more, because I am now single at 41, with hot flushes and hormonal instabilities, and *still* longing for a baby …and, yikes, considering doing this “on my own” (with some donor sperm, probably not from Angel Gabriel).
Like Sofi, I also thought at first, when you put it like that, there’s no shame in longing to love a child. But then I dug a bit deeper beneath my initial response, and discovered that I feel ashamed at the intensity of my longing, the panic, and the desperate measures it appears I’m prepared to go to. That was a real check: I need to really ground any steps I take, in my FH practice, so they are visionary rooted steps, not orphan-rooted plunges. That’s really hard when doctors are telling me I am (at best) almost out of time/eggs etc.
Then there’s the feeling defective, weak and ugly, with the legacy of ill health that is now showing in the hormonal imbalances, embarrassing hot flushes, stress incontinence, emptying breasts and weight piling on around my waist like a woman 10 years older. Somehow it feels like I am now missing out on being a “real woman”, which for me means fully and power-fully inhabiting and celebrating my fertility and sexuality. The shame is about what society calls a “real woman” and the pain is for what I feel I am (currently) missing out on.
It also feels like I have somehow cut myself out of the web of life, that I’m not good enough for life to flow through me, or to offer a womb to a life. That one I need to spend longer with to understand, and it does feel shameful; like I have done something bad, or spoiled myself. This may be related to the I’ve fucked up orphan.
There’s also the I don’t belong shame – the world seems to exist only for couples and children. How to answer authentically when people keep asking me at my local community choir: do you have children at this school? No, no, and no. But hey, would you like to meet my orphans, they’re all howling inside right now?!
Then there are other things I feel shame about, and maybe this is more useful shame, as these are things I can commit to from today onwards: Shame that I didn’t listen more carefully to my body/my inner wisdom, shame that I’ve let myself hide – from life and from the deep digging needed for my healing journey.
So yes, painful and enlightening; lots to attend to here with love and gratitude… thank you again
I am 43 ( almost 44) and want another baby. I can count the number of people who know that I am trying to have another baby on one hand. When I had a miscarriage a few months ago I was told how lucky I was at my age to have 2 great kids already and that should be enough. I should be grateful. I was told most people don’t even have that. I know I am lucky. I love my kids. They are amazing. I love being a mom. I still want more. I want a third baby. There is shame that I am still trying for my baby at my age when I already have so much. I am a physician and when my colleagues at work see a woman trying to get pregnant over 40 they do not always have the kindest things to say. I think to myself, she is only 41. I am 43. What would they say if they knew that I was trying?
Oh my goodness, Stacy! Did I write this? I feel like I’m looking in a mirror. I am in a very similar situation. I, too, am trying for my third. I am 44. When I had my miscarriage two years ago (at nearly 42), I was told the EXACT same thing you have been told. And at times I still am told these things. It makes me feel so ashamed to want more because I have these two amazing children. In fact, people say that to my face. “Why are you doing this? You should just be grateful for what you have. Stop this nonsense.” As if wanting to expand my family means I’m ungrateful for the blessings I have been given? I feel too much shame to ask for help or support many times. When I fantasize about which family members could donate an egg for me or help me raise funds for adoption, or even babysit why I go to the doctor, I immediately think “Why would they ever do that? I don’t deserve it. I already HAVE children. Why would anyone support my drive for more?” This, combined with my age-centered shame orphan, is draining. And by the way, here’s what I get when people, who know my age, say when they find out I’m trying: “Why would you want to do that? You already have kids.” Or (my personal favorite) “You don’t want to be in a wheelchair when your kid graduates from high school!” Ug. On the plus side, I’m honored to walk this journey with you. :-)
Dear Wonderfully fertile Mama’s,
I do feel the shame as well. I have been feeling it for years. I have had many not helpful comments said to me. I have a lot of compassion for those who are trying to conceive. I just have a lot of shame that feels very similar to what has been said by the other amazing Mamas. I believe there is additional shame for me because the challenged my daughter displays are not mostly understood by people and to protect her I do not share everything with most people. In my mind I feel most people look at me and say why isn’t she a better mom for her child to be acting this way.
I have been doing Learning How to Ask Imagery and Welcome Home body truth. What is coming up for me is feeling left out.
I am grateful for all of you.
Blessings to all
Ah, shame! This blog brought an ignored orphan front and center. I feel SUCH shame on so many levels. My age, for one. at 44, I feel such shame at that number, I won’t even tell my daughter how old I am (she is 8 so I can get away with this for now). I, like Gutsymama, can’t deal with that number in connection to my quest to get pregnant. They often feel like oil and water, unable to mesh. I feel such panic when I read those comments on fertility forums or even in the comment section of stories documenting over-40 birth stories. People can be horrid. My Visionary knows other people’s reality isn’t mine, so why do I care what strangers think? Yet every time I hear someone joke about “grandmas having babies” I want to scream. I want to say “Do you all know how old I am????” I tell very few people we are trying because I do NOT want to hear anyone ask me why I would do that, especially because I am “so old” and already have kids. And I certainly do NOT want to hear the “don’t you ever want to retire” speech. Hell, my mother-in-law gave me that line not one minute after I told her I just miscarried, but wanted to keep trying. Charming.
Another huge shame trigger is the fact that I already have children and so I should not be trying for more. I actually had a doctor tell me this, more or less. I think he was trying to get me to calm down and not panic, but it came across that I was blind and greedy and needed to back off. He told me “you are luckier than 95% of people who come to see me because you already have children so maybe you should think about that and see how much further you want to push something that statistically isn’t going to happen. Maybe you should just be grateful for what you have.” This notion that I am ungrateful because I want more is both absurd and panic-inducing. It makes me feel so ashamed, like I have done something so wrong. My Visionary knows that a huge reason I want another child is because I know how amazing, incredible and utterly awesome being a mom is, and I just want more of that. But I do feel shame for wanting more. I feel shame for focusing on me instead of doing more for the kids I already have. I feel shame because I am focusing on this unicorn baby who may or may not show up. Then I feel shame for thinking this way because I know I dedicate 90% of my waking hours to my family and my jobs, so taking some little slice of time for me is not wrong.
At least now I know all of this is coming fresh out of the orphanage. I just need to learn how to deal with it. Soothing the shame orphan has me puzzled. Because although I know she is an orphan, her words still strike my weaknesses and make me waiver.
what a wonderful post and so needed. shame does feel a part of my path at times. I turned 41 on thanksgiving and I do not want anyone to know. Or at least I do not want to hear the comments from those who may hear I am 41 and trying to conceive. I dont want to hear their comments of how “I should of tried in my 20s or early 30s.” “that what should I expect to see at this point trying to have a baby at 41?” I have heard those comments and I have seen them posted to various online conversations about fertility. People can be ruthless. I ashamed to say I care about what they say sometimes. I am ashamed to say an orphan part of me wonders if they are right about my age. I have had the medical training – I know what they say about “stats and odds”. However I also have my visionary continuing to walk walk walk toward her child. I know deep down that my emotions can affect my body. I know deep down my body can carry a pregnancy. It is a struggle some days who I am working with: the orphan or the visionary and which one is taking the reigns.
Dear gutsymama,
How close I feel to you and your comments! I was reading your note and I thought it was me writing this.I feel the same: I turned 41 this October and I’m ashamed to admit to others that I’m trying to conceive. I’m aware that my emotions affect so much my body; however, there are often days when I loose hope and feel old and weak, and days when I feel that it will happen.
Hi Julia and Fertile Mamas,
My first reaction to the blog was, well, when you put it that way, there is no shame in the longing to love a child, so why hide it. But of course, I have been struggling with shame about this journey on so many levels that I don’t even know where to start.
Today, the shame is related to my age (45 and a half) and the fact that I feel like I am failing at the practice as much as failing at conception. And I am ashamed that I am even still trying at this age and that I started trying so late in life. I think most people who know my age have written me off, so I feel foolish admitting that we are still trying. There are a few people with whom I have shared the journey and the Fertile heart practice, and they are skeptical at best and dismissive in most cases. I feel like until I have some kind of proof that “it works” that others view it as magical thinking. The truth is that lately I am getting messages from various places and people that I should give up trying already. So the shame stems from my inability to give up hope despite the massive odds against me at this point. I keep thinking if I can prove them wrong, if I can become snowflake then I would be happy to share with anyone and everyone because that would be proof that it worked.
So I do feel that I need to be careful who I tell that I am even trying to conceive, that I even want a child at my age, because I don’t need more negativity about my prospects at this point in the journey.
I definitely have some work to do to heal this shame orphan!
We are so on the same page with this one, my fertile sista. :-) I struggle daily with age shame. It’s a tough one to deal with because we can do absolutely nothing to change our age, only our attitude toward it. And I am really not good at that.
Sofi,
I could never find the right words to express my own shame until I read yours!! Thank you for beautifully saying what my heart wants to scream out! I , too, am 45 and feel like I have only a few grains of sand left in my hourglass. I often cringe when sharing my heart even to my closest friends because I know , even if they don’t say it, they are thinking; “Why not just adopt?” I can’t seem to convey to anyone how deeply my heart longs for a child of my own. No one seems to get it. My shame orphan is screaming right now. I don’t know how to calm her down.
Dear Julia and Fertile Mamas
Shame. It is a orphan/companion that I have walked with in this life since I was a small child. I am an expert at hiding. Expert at pretending everything is wonderful. But I am tired of pretending. So-how do I heal this very well developed orphan of mine? I am at a loss. I don’t even know where to begin, she is so big, so encompassing. Do I shout out to the world that I have had three miscarriages and a failed IVF cycle and that doctors are telling me to turn to donor eggs when I can not even utter these words (nor type them) without deep pain tearing through me and tears flowing from me? Oh I would much rather hide! Will sharing my journey with everyone I know make me less shameful? Perhaps. A burden would certainly be lifted. There is a part of me that also knows that my issue with shame runs much deeper than just hiding my sad journey from most people in my life. Much deeper. I also know that releasing my secret would bring the “oh I am so sorry’s” that drive me insane. I don’t want to be pitied, it makes my skin crawl. Is that shame? or an entirely different orphan? The orphan who likes to pretend everything is wonderful and puts on a big smiling face out to the world and a joke that will surely make everyone laugh. The orphan that says I am doing great! when truly I am not. Nope, thats shame too isn’t it?
Then I have another orphan who I have no name for( maybe she is also shame). She says when I succeed I will share on Facebook and with every friend. I will reveal my journey and I will no longer feel like a failure or some sort of mutant who cannot even create life. I will tell everyone about Julia and her amazing work. I will write her a review that she can share on her website and I will post on her Facebook page. Maybe she is my “one day when” orphan. The orphan who keeps me from living fully now waiting for one day when…
I am surrounded by my orphans, but now at least I see them. Thank you for that Julia and for all your work. It is truly been so eye opening and empowering.
And yes it is obvious we must keep digging here. Who knew shame was such a powerful force in this journey? But where do we begin? I feel like my shame orphan is so big I have not found the beginning or the end of her. What is the first step?
Hi Julia
I loved this blog. I was going through my journal and I stumbled upon this very topic of SHAME and my struggles with it at that point of time (1-1.5yrs back). I thought as I worked with this orphan so intensely and now I might not have a trace of it, but you have precisely hit the spot when you said “Orphan may never quite vanish”. But that said, now I have tools to deal with it when it raises its head.
Shame orphan was pretty dominant in my life. As fearlessrose rightly said, our culture, society plays a huge role in shaping us up. But I can’t thank the OVUM tools enough to enable me to cross the barrier of SHAME related to infertility. Another orphan that accompanied this orphan was the Identity crisis orphan – as per this orphan KIDS are your identity. I struggled a lot with this one too. More than what the society or people I know were thinking about me, it was this orphan that was coaxing me to believe and lead a life in its orphan land. After a lot of hard work, I am so glad I am finally managed to pull that orphan into the V land.
But that said, currently I am once again struggling, I am not sure if it is exactly the SHAME orphan or not but definitely I do have some fear. I was not ready to add Julia to my fb account or like the FH pages till I became a snowflake myself and finally YES, I am a Fertile Heart Snowflake (will be sharing the details shortly) and still I was hesitating. Thanks to this blog and the previous ones, they acted like a catalyst and gave me the push.
Now that I am part of FH snowflake family, I want to really assist others and I guess the best way would be to start the conversations in the facebook. At the same time I will work on what is it that is causing the concern or fear in me. I need to answer and face my own fear – Do I care if people start talking about me or my struggles? Do I care if they judge me based on my interactions on fb? Will it help someone out there who is desperately looking for some direction and who can’t talk about this to anyone? Funnily in spite of knowing the answers for all of them, my dearest fear orphan loves to ramble and create a ruckus and blow up the situation.
The other day I was sharing with my husband that in fact I feel proud that after TTC for 8yrs we are finally pregnant, I am not ashamed of my age nor my journey. That said, I am not going to discuss my fertility journey with every Tom, dick and harry. As most of them behave like how Fearless Rose has mentioned. They do not care and neither do I care for their approval or support.
Fertile heart work has taught me to gain my own strength and be my own authority, carefully choose my allies and build the strength. Learning how to ask for support and ensuring that my request is not coming from an orphan state have often been the key.
Way back in 2013, Julia gave a similar challenge to share my journey with one of my friends and before doing that to keep doing “Learning how to ask” imagery to ensure I don’t voice out my story from an orphan state but from V place. That really helped me.
I can’t thank GOD for introducing me to fertileheart world & my golden angel – Julia Indichova, who has guided me in every step of this beautiful journey.
MH!!!! I have been thinking a lot about you and wondering how you are doing. Now I know!! So happy for you. I feel like we’ve been on this journey together and have grown so much through the years. Congrats on this amazing snowflake! I wish you all the blessings, my friend.
Thank you so much BF !!
I am sure all of us will be sharing our snowflakes on the forums one after the other :) !!
Dear MH/ML
Your news really is wonderful to hear. So special. Thank you for sharing. I feel especially connected to your journey, as Julia’s blog about your name was one of the first I read, before signing up as heartsease (and it made me think deeply about the name I chose – it’s a wildflower). Also you have contributed so much to the forum and to the blog comments, which has given me strength and solace so many times. Thank you so much for all that you have given here.
You are the first Snowflake I have really witnessed, although I think there are two or even three of you mamas from the US circle who have now become pregnant in recent weeks. It feels a real honour, and an inspiration, to have witnessed these past months of your path and to now read this post here sharing your good news. Reading about how proud you are of your journey, and all that your fertile hearted work has taught you, has me feeling immense pride in you too. It is a very expansive, loving feeling.
I really look forward to hearing more when you are ready to share.
In the meantime, I wish you all well – you, your husband, and your long-longed for child – from the bottom of my heart.
with much love to you
xxx
Thank you so much Heartease for your kind words !! I am so glad my posts and comments helped you.I truly cherish your wishes, thanks a again!
One of our brave mamas – Heather, who just gave birth to a baby boy, started of the thread name “Triump over Despair” isn’t the name itself awesome to collect all the snowflakes. I have shared my story there. In fact, I have collected lots of success stories that were buried in the forums from many years ago and tried to add all those to that one thread. All the other beautiful mamas also shared inspirational stories there. So please visit that thread for sure. From the time I joined FH, I think I have seen minimum 10 success stories. Those were my fertility drugs when my orphans went rampant. And this thread is a HUGE source of innumerable snowflakes. We made it easy for all you mamas :)))
Please find the link to that thread –> http://www.fertileheart.com/forum/topic.php?id=19612
Dear Miraclehope,
Well done and all the very best! I’m very happy for you. You give me hope. I’ve been reading your posts and comments on the forum some time ago and it’s very nice to hear from you such excellent news. Also it’s very useful to have this link to that thread, so that I can go back and read and read and read it again…Your message finds me at a time just after a failed IVF. To be honest I knew (both me and my husband) that this would not be successful but no matter what we felt I did it because we wanted to take one more step towards our longing, the easiest one I’d say. I now know that this cannot work for me and that nobody can help me in this journey, apart from myself. I should find the strength and use the FH tools and my belief in God in the best possible way towards my longing. I’m a fighter in life, have brave heart and have passed through difficulties in life alone, but when comes into this, at this stage, I go back and hide behind my orphans and feel weak and old and totally unattractive as a woman. It is as if I have accepted that I’m unable to make it, my body cannot support a pregnancy, my breast is empty, my skin dry, my muscles weak. I feel trapped and shamed to talk about it; I don’t keep my promises to myself (refuse to carry on my acupuncture sessions and do not practice my imagery regularly); it is as if I want to punish myself for something (this orphan that is chasing me all over my life).I only cry to my husband about my longing. He goes on saying “but you have one child already; look at other couples that have none”. Why should I feel shame that at the age of 41 I’m longing for a child? Something should happen or I should do something to wake the dragon inside me from hibernation and turn the little, scared mouse, who’s hiding in her small house, into a fighter, a brave woman who is not shamed to talk about her problem.
With lots of love to all of you. It feels so nice to have started sharing feelings in this community (it took me almost a year start writing in the blog). I look forward to hearing from you at our call today.
Hi BH
Thank you so much for your wishes ! I am glad my posts and comments resonated with you. In fact reading your post, I remembered a part of me that was exactly like you when I didn’t know FH. I too went through several treatments and each time I went deeper and deeper a part of me was always ready for next step and decided that the treatment would be a failure. In fact I learned how my body baby was suffering only after the 3rd ivf – be it while bombarding my ovaries with highest doses of meds or when the ET was being done, my body just didn’t cooperate, of course my mindset wasn’t that great either. I felt that all my doors and paths were closed. But that was 3 yrs back.
I felt so connected with your comment on the brave heart. That’s exactly how I projected myself too. I was and I am a fighter too. But what I did was I have hidden my orphans, shoved them off because feeling vulnerable was a sign of the weak in my mind. I was numb to pain, I didn’t allow a baby to come near me, i didn’t allow myself to think of a baby outwardly, just cut those strong emotions right when they were budding. What I didn’t get at that time was I was cutting some serious orphans and not allowing them to have voice. I felt guilty, ashamed and treated myself and my body baby very badly with my actions, with my thoughts, with my words. Everything that as the orphan dictated thinking I deserve punishment. If not for this beautiful baby journey and the encounter with Fertileheart, I would have been in a pretty miserable state for sure.
I am for sure a fighter but this time with the assistance of Julia, FH tools, hearing from the brave mamas and their experiences, I was able to channel my fighter quality properly :). Its a continuous learning journey and hopefully using the tools I will keep evolving my V self from time to time.
As Julia always reminds, every phase be it failed IVF or diagnosis is our next guide post. I really started hearing, respecting, loving and bowing down to my body baby through this journey. Good luck to you in your journey !!
Dear Miraclehope,
I am so glad to hear your news and enjoy hearing how proud you are of your journey. And that you are not ashamed of it nor your age. I agree that learning how to ask for support from a visionary perspective is very healing. Since our last circle my mother and I were finally able to talk about my journey. I used to be ashamed to be like my mother, but now am more and more thankful for the ways we are alike. Even proud. I was so surprised when at my brother’s wedding this summer she put her arm around me and said ‘This is my beautiful daughter!’ I can’t wait to say that to my child one day.
Thank you so much Chopin !!
Healing our relations with our parents is the biggest blessing. I have been struggling with it so badly and finally this yr in the first part of the year, finally I was able to heal my relationship with both my parents. It was such a huge relief. Problem was I was expecting a lot of support from them. It took almost 9 months to work on it :). But final outcome was one of the biggest gifts of fertileheart practice :)
Dear MiracleHope, I am so happy to hear that you are a snowflake! Congratulations! Reading your blog entries has always been and is very supportive to me and I just wanted to send you my thank you for that. Your news, like that of RaeSF, makes my “resistant O” and “disappointment O” feel a bit more healed, which helps me so much. Here is sending you many happy wishes and I hope you are enjoying the festive season!
With love and peace, FearlessRose
Oh ha ha.. I wasn’t expecting THIS! And now the first blush of feeling pleased you were responding to *my* comment directly in a blog has grown into a full blown shame attack. It’s completely knocked me sideways. Even though I know this blog is about so much more than what I wrote or said, somehow I feel utterly exposed and I just want to hide. Not only that, I’m feeling so much shame that shame is my reaction to this generosity, a kind challenge and some valuable questions. Umm.. I can see this is a really really important opportunity to dig a bit deeper here, and can feel gratitude for you giving me, and others this opportunity. It’s almost like some really disgusting medicine! I’ll respond more later when I’ve had a good look round this cave of shame and see who’s here. Thanks for the flashlight!
Dear Julia and Fertile Mamas, first of all, I would like to thank you again for the fertile heart practice – it has truly change my life and that of my husband! and I can really see how it must be very hard to bring this topic to the surface. The Fertile Heart community is such a healing environment – which is safe and warm and embracing. Going on Facebook, for me is going “out there”, one more step towards living one’s truth. I very well recall reading and empathising with Heartsease’s comments about the shame and how she is reluctant to interact on your Facebook page and with the Fertile Heart ladies on fb. I have on a number of occasions almost made a comment on your Facebook page, but then deleted it before I even posted it. For fear of exposing myself to less close friends and acquaintances, admitting to the fact that I am struggling with something deep down.
It is, in a way, my Orphan who is afraid and ashamed to say that somehow I am different and that I am trying to force on them my fertility challenges. People have said to me that fertility issues are private & they will not even discuss it with relatively close friends – perhaps it is because it is linked to “reproduction” (or the s-word, not sure we can put that word on your blog!), which is still something very difficult to discuss. Fertility is such a taboo, even in our modern 2015 society. It makes me realise that I have been hiding and that I am still very much ashamed of my inability to have a second healthy child that I feel only able to talk to close friends openly about my heartache and pain relating to my miscarriages and difficulties to conceive. In fact, sometimes, when I have plucked up the courage to do so (weirdly, it felt like I was “coming out”), various people have walked away or shown absolutely no interest in it. Even when I talk about Fertile Heart, they were not interested in what it is and how it is changing my life so positively and ability to cope and helping me with so many aspects of my life — and, in particular, how I am learning how to be myself again and to birth my new self in the process of longing for our second healthy baby. It really is very exciting! (sorry, I digress!). The only people I have been able to talk about matters openly have been you! and the dear ladies from the Fertile Heart community – apart of course from the medical practitioners and health support practitioners, such as acupuncturists.
However, I am now realising that is perhaps the point. The people I have been “friends” with are actually not particularly kind to me by shunning me or showing no interest, perhaps not even really “friends”, as such. So, as I have been healing my O who thinks that I do not deserve respect or kindness, I have been moving away from such relationships. Not in an aggressive way, but just consciously and with compassion for the person involved.
So, it looks like I have just found an Orphan I was not really aware was there – I have been ignoring the shame Orphan, avoiding her like the plague and not hearing her at all in all these months of doing my FH practice! I think it is time to start listening to her. Thank you for bringing this up – as I have been thinking that it would be a bit of a watershed moment for me when I can finally manage to speak out on facebook (and to friends, generally) about my challenges and comment on your fb page. Also, I keep thinking that, yes, it would be wonderful if I could help another lady with her loneliness and pain connected to fertility challenges by putting her in touch with Fertile Heart practice. I hope I can heal my shame Orphan as I have been living in shame for such a long time now. It has been quite a lonely place to be for that Orphan, and I recognise that I have been hiding from her, too.
With Love and Peace,
FearlessRose
Dear Julia,
Thank you for this blog. I’m grateful to read replies as well. Shame is a secret in me that I am just discovering, I think. It seems so unclear to me just as anger once did, just as longing once did. Oh have I felt anger and longing so fully and now they are much more clear. I needed to experience these things in my body to know them. Now I am guessing that shame is next in line. For example, I hosted my family for Thanksgiving this week. Every time something felt difficult for me I didn’t feel blame towards anyone else around me, I noticed a discomfort in myself and then a wave of not accepting myself for my feelings. I found my mind trying to convince my whole being that everything was fine. It is a new embarking, a scary embarking with excitement to know and work through what I discover. Deep breath.
Sarah