Let her rrrrroar,
let her blow off some steam, vent, throw a punch or juice a river of green lemonade, but whatever you do, don’t turn your back on her.
The part of you that clamors for more life.
Some days it’s the blues, some days, rock n’ roll, as long as we dance and not crawl.
I don’t mean a child.
Or more children.
I mean more life.
The first D,
the one that ends up with defeat is the D of DENIAL. The D of figuring it out, of mind-f****ing yourself into good-girl positive thinker.
The D of pre-empting defeat.
The other D
is the D of Desire.
Not the right or wrong DESIRE, just DESIRE.
Raw, uncensored, uncivilized, vehement, robust, DESIRE with a capitol D.
It points the way. It’s the only way to tap into the ever-renewable energy source accessible to all fertilehearted humans.
The D of Desire returns us sooner or later, if we follow it with the kind escort of our saner Self, to the Life we once intended to live. The Life we had left behind on some rest stop on a side road. The Life that some part of us refuses to give up on.
That D of Denial it’s a frightened, orphaned friend whose convoluted logic says:
“If I take IT away from myself, deny what I want, (whatever the IT of the moment happens to be) no one else, not even God, can take it away from me.
The D of Denial is a false friend.
But we already know that. Now we just have to keep each other good company because exposing our raw desiring Selves is only doable with compassionate companions. None of us can do it alone.
So that we can be born into women who know how spectacularly fertile they are. Women who know their own worth—whether someone else does or does not—agree with them.
What does “more life” look like to you?
(Hint – let yourself rehearse it right here in five words or a thousand)
dear ones,
thank you so much for the last call, I am happy I could be a part of it, even for the second half. I realized that I have an orphan that is so critical if I can’t do something absolutely right. I am imperfect and would like to accept myself as such. I will be on the call tonight, but will have to return from a concert of my favourite singer half way through, to be able to be on the call. I made this arrangement for the concert two months ago, well before the call was even advertised and I am running up against this conflict of my own interests. I want to be with you and I want to at the concert tonight. I have been doing Transport to Truth and Welcome home since the last call and feel more grounded. Looking forward to the call ladies, very much. Thank you for your friendship.
Dear Julia, Thank you for this post – and I have not written on the blog for some time. I keep reading the posts, thinking about what I want to say. A very odd thing happened to me in the past few weeks! I feel at ease! Not that this is totally ground-breaking for other people, but for me this is huge, as I have been feeling so uneasy and unworthy, following my path towards a second healthy baby, that I have not been listening to myself quite often. I am not sure yet why I am feeling this way – my Orphans are still with me and I listen to them a lot. Currently, I have returned to listen and try to heal my very Big O who says “you are not beautiful the way you are”. She has been with me all the time and I know what she needs to be heard again. So, strangely, my being at ease has made me a bit confused but the peace that I have been feeling is so strikingly powerful. It has been a long time since I felt this way – maybe it will go away again but for now, I am loving it. I have been writing my articles about the new climate change agreement, going to the library – the smell of the books and the hum of students chatting somehow injected with me with a new desire for life. Perhaps I was in denial about my need to spend time with books, not being “social” all the time, but being introverted with my books. I have been doing a lot of imagery of “Circle of Protection” and “Sacred Choices” as they help me feel stronger and more fertile.
It is now just over a year that I found you and that I have been doing your Fertile Heart imageries and body truths. It is amazing how different a person I am now – back to being myself again, at least as much as I can see and I feel so much stronger and happier. Dear Julia, thank you for from the depth of my heart as I know that your work has helped me very very much to reach this stage today. I am still waiting for my second baby to turn up and I am keeping my hope alive and strong. My desire for a baby is so strong that sometimes it hurts so much it feels like I cannot move. Now, I am starting to dance with life again. Thank you!! FearlessRose xxx
I’m touching base on this page as suggested by Julia during last week’s European circle. I’ve spent a fair bit of time with my various orphans this past week, and working with Field of Creation imagery and some Wailing Wall. In doing so I’ve learnt a few things. One is that my orphans see the story from one perspective only. For example my jealous orphan who is envious at all the various friends who’ve got pregnant easily isn’t being entirely truthful when she claims she wants their lives. I don’t really want my friends’ lives. I want my life, with my husband and all the wonderful things I have in it. I just want my life to have our child in it too. And if I am really honest there is also a part of me that enjoys this journey of discovery I am on (even though there are plenty of days of course when I resist it and wish things were easy and simple), and it does feel like an important part of my growth as a person. While I’ve always found it quite easy to see my orphans and am often able to hold them in a compassionate awareness, I’ve struggled to get how an orphan can be a visionary in the making. But I’m starting to get this, I think: these orphans that are alive and kicking within me are about desire – they are saying ‘yes, I want this too,’ rather than just giving up and saying ‘no, it’s ok I don’t want it.’ And behind the jealousy, the anger, the feeling unsupported by friends etc. I think there lies simply a desire for love. A desire to have this child for the great love it’ll bring into my life, a love I have shared with my own parents; a desire to feel loved by my friends (they do love me of course really, but because I feel unsupported at times I convince myself they don’t!). And the other thing that has become very clear is that when I am focused on doing stuff I enjoy and fully present to that moment – whether it’s having a laugh with my husband, doing yoga, working on something – the orphans almost always fade into the background because there’s no space or need for them to be present in that moment.
I just wanted to share that I was really disappointed that my parents (especially my mom) didn’t call me this week even though they knew I was really sick all week. But more life for me this week meant that despite my orphans who were angry and upset, I took a visionary action by reaching out to my parents to see how they were doing and sharing a happy story about my daughter with them. Again, I didn’t get the positive reaction I was expecting, but my V took charge and reminded me that I don’t need their approval and I can’t change them. I can only work on my orphans. So I am grateful that I was able to release my emotions and cry but then I moved on. Their actions upset me but I know that their actions are orphan rooted. So I’m trying really hard to not engage in an orphan to orphan exchange with them.
Thank you Julia for this inspiring post and to the Fertile Mamas for all their support!
About a year ago, I put a lot of things in my life on hold because I was waiting to get pregnant and have a child. Just after the holidays this year, I decided it was time to do things differently this year, not that I am giving up hope entirely but that as the years pass and the chances of having a biological child decrease, I don’t want to regret not living my life fully. For me, more life means finding career fulfillment and working for something I truly believe in. Come June, I will have been in my current field for 20 years, and I entered it accidentally when I was looking for a job to escape my previous workplace. I had no plan and just stuck with it, and became a subject matter expert along the way. I have been at my current employer for 8 years now, and have seen countless coworkers get pregnant and have multiple children in that time. It bothered me year after year and it is just super-painful now. I have been working on the career fulfillment path and have some ideas but they all take me a very different direction from my current work. It’s scary to even contemplate such a drastic change, but I am seeing examples of how passionate and fulfilled women who truly love their work really are. And my hope is that if I can find a passion in my work life, that sense of passion will energize me in other areas and hopefully make me more fertile in all areas of life. Because I know in my heart that feeling so drained and empty after a workday is not going to help my body and spirit to be more conception friendly.
I have been doing Unconditional Gratitude body truth and I was doing supporting ovulation for the past week or so but now switched to Lifting the burden for this week.
I am also trying to find ways to break out of the type of denial mentioned here, where I deny myself what I truly want because it is too painful not to get it or to lose it once I have it.
Thank you Sofi for bringing something special to my attention. I too have been grappling with changing my work and can relate to your situation. Well said that passion will energize and make us fertile in life. I didn’t really look at my situation this way until I read your post. Much gratitude for taking the time to share your words. I’m terrified to switch jobs because I am afraid it won’t be a good financial decision. I have a big O who is tied to money but Sofi you made me think of a Visionary who is saying that if I find work that I’m passionate about, then perhaps the money will come and I will be healthier too, and there’s no price tag for health. I started off liking my current job, but many factors have changed and suddenly I’m not passionate about it. I have much more to work on in this area of my life. Wishing you well on your job change.
Dear Wonderfully Fertile Mamas,
I have been doing Welcome Home Fertile Heart body truth and Mosaic of Revelation Fertile Heart Imagery (Imagery 2). I just felt I needed these tools because I seem to be encountering many issues – particularly with rebelliousness from my daughter. MiraculousLife, Wow setting a target then a new target – a never good enough cycle. Mlee wonderful for authoring your own story. Chayim, good luck with your treatment. gea, good luck feeling the longing. Brave Caterpillar good luck with sharing decisions and also helping your orphans to be heard and loved. Harmonious Life wonderful you can be here. InThisMoment really really good luck with adoption!!!Heather a compassionate lens, that is a scary step but I’m sure very healing.
I think what is resonating with me now is being more in the now. I haven’t been doing that, but it’s certainly worth a try. Mostly I’ve been working with whatever my daughter brings to the scene, and if I’m not happy with that, obsessing in her absence. Needs work there.
Blessings to all
I love everyone’s lust for life. I feel like I have lost so much of that feeling throughout the four years of this journey. That feeling of wanting to throw your arms out with joy and excitement for the day. A couple of years ago, I realized that I was putting off so many things “until I had a baby.” I have been doing much more and trying to live life much more fully and purposefully, but sometimes I wonder if I’m just filling a hole by keeping busy. It is a bit hard for me to know the difference.
The OVUM practice has definitely helped me regain some of desire to live as fully as possible, but I have to admit I have days where I go right back to blah, dull. Then I feel like I have somehow taken a giant step backward. Those are probably the hardest days.
Hi Sparxy
Very frankly speaking, the responses to this blog are flooding so many memories that I distinctly remember and bringing tears to my eyes.
I just want to first thank Julia for all her guidance. I never thought I would even be at this stage that I am as of today. I am sure Sparxy, you will come back to this blog one fine day and this post of yours and feel the same way as I am feeling today.
I had the exact same feeling that you are describing a while back. I remember the conversation, the time, the place (while I & my husband were driving) where I was conversing and explaining the same feelings to my husband. It was based on a blog or one of Julia’s calls that probed about what life actually meant and how was I leading my life.
I put so much conscious effort to redefine my life as I too put away everything “UNTIL I HAD A BABY”. Actually post that I realized, I was this was from the very beginning of my childhood, not sure how I got into this practice or inherited this orphan (can’t blame anyone so this was my own creation). This orphan set a target and always checked if I made it or achieved what I set my target as, if not i was not eligible to enjoy the life, everything was postponed. And everytime I completed a target,I used to create one more, so this was never ending is what I realized through this beautiful journey.
I too felt like i am recreating a meaningful life and when fell down it all felt like waste of effort. BUt here’s what I realized in my practice – It was absolutely okay to fall down, ultimately we are human and allow myself to grieve, get into that hole and sit alone but again I mustered courage and was ready to walk the path that I wanted to be on.
Coming to living live more purposefully, I slowly started realizing that even planning how it should be or expecting “YES if I do this this this …” then it means I enjoying is also setting expectation and trying to control the outcome. Letting go and going with the current of life is what I experimented and finally opened up to in 2015, one of the most hardest thing to do and I could sense how much my orphan struggled and almost felt strangled (LOL). But once i started it bit by bit, it just felt amazing. I could just feel a gush of energy and seeing every little thing as a miracle was one more thing that helped.
Whenever I go back into the rabbit hole, this is something I try to remind myself now. Again thanks to the blog, this forces me to put a different lens and see and appreciate living life fully.
Again just wanted to share my experience
MH, thank you so much for these wise words! I needed them. I realized that I am terrified of living fully because in my heart, I believe that I have to either live fully OR get a baby. What I mean is, I don’t feel I can have both. For example, I have been told and I believe that I need to write. I have always wanted to be a writer and, in fact, it’s all I’ve ever done in my adult professional life. But it’s stalled out and super stagnant right now. I have numerous blogs, articles and books percolating in my head at all times, but I do nothing to get them out into the world (again, full of sh**!!). I now realize the reason why I do nothing is because I feel I can have either/or: a fulfilled career OR my baby. If I let go and go with the current, as you so beautifully put MH, I fear I will float right past the baby and I’ll just have to say “well, at least I got a book/blog/article/paycheck.” I fear I will settle for second place. But I now see that’s a fear, not a fact.
And sweet Sparxy, we are on the same page once again. Your words ring so true to me. It’s as if I wrote them myself. I have struggled with this since the new year began. I was so full of passion during the holidays, but when I didn’t get pregnant, I just sort of said fu** it. I have been struggling with this depression and sluggishness. I put off so much until “I have a baby.” Even buying new jeans at Old Navy takes a backseat. It’s infuriating. What makes it worse is that I already have children so I’m unable to express this feeling because I’ve already been pregnant/attended this rodeo/had my turn so I can’t be so greedy (thank you, orphan voice). I’ve been on this path since my son was 8 months old (he just turned 5), so I’m worn to the core.
But today I felt that wall give a bit. I finally got my new camera I’ve wanted for and yearned for, and so I’m going to sign up for a photography class. Why not. Now if only I can get over this fear and get my butt in front of the computer to start writing (without thinking that it will cost me the baby), I’m gold.
Hugs to you all.
Thank you MiraculousLife. This is sooo helpful. I too have spent my life setting up targets for myself and generally, always meeting them when I wanted to. I am very critical of myself. I have always wanted to plant roses, so this year I did it. I was so excited. But after I planted them, I second-guessed myself. “Why are you doing this? This doesn’t mean anything compared to having a child. You’re pathetic. You will mess this up.” along those lines. Then I step back and think wow, I did this and it is fun and beautiful and who cares if I f**k it up? Why does everything have to be so laden with angst and self-criticism? That’s what I am working on and AAAAAAAAgh it is hard.
Thank you again for your wisdom!
Also thank you butterfly!! I didn’t click the right button, I was trying to also write something in response to you. I love hearing you on the calls. And I absolutely think you have every right to be “greedy” and express these feeling. You want a baby just like all of us. Nothing to be ashamed about or apologize for.
Much love to you! I would love to see some of your photos. I think good photography is so powerful.
Hi BF & Sparxy
I exactly understand what you mean. Its so difficult to just not judge ourselves. Like Sparxy, I used to be (hopefully and at least now I get conscious) a self critic, every action of mine should be focused around something to do with baby making or that increased my chances for baby. So planting, garderning or any thing else that in reality would release stress, esp working with nature; but orphans really were controlling my life. For the first time in my life, I did yard work along with my husband and planted few plants, man it was so refreshing. I felt alive and didn’t mind why I was doing it or what it was offering me. Just felt amazing and this way I got to spend more time with my husband too.
Its amazing to look back and observe how much power these orphans actually had on me and my thoughts and actions. It really took some courage and deliberate actions to step up to my V self.
Congrats to both of you on identifying orphans and finally standing up for yourself and letting the Os voice their opinions !!
Um, wow, where to begin. I waited several days to post on this because this is something I really needed to think about.
I went to a international women’s day event on Friday. Someone said, “we teach our sons to be brave, and we teach our daughters to be perfect.” This is exactly how I was brought up. My mother has always placed more value on what others think of her than on how she regards herself. My grandmother was this way as well so the orphan was clearly passed on to my mom. I was always expected to be perfect so that everyone would highly regard her parenting. Oh, your daughter is so well behaved, you’re doing such a great job with her, etc. If I fell short of public perfection, there were major consequences for me. My mother would always comment on how bratty some of my friends were and what an embarrassment they were to their parents because of their behavior.
Because of this quest for perfection, I am constantly “checking in” with my mother, sometimes verbally, but more often with my actions to get her buy-in on my choices, parenting and otherwise. Being the “good girl” with a prudish sense of morality went a long way in my family.
I also have been in denial about my fear in expanding our family. My dad was often not around due to his work schedule and my mom and I did things without him quite often. My husband’s job requires him to be gone a lot too, especially in the evenings and on the weekends. I have had so much fear about ending up like my mom, lonely and alone with my one child trying to create memories and fun while dad is not around. I have worried that is my story to tell as well, feeling powerless to change it.
More life means ceasing to ask anyone else’s permission except my own about my decisions and life choices. It means being a grown up and acting like it, not a scared little orphan looking for love and validation in all the wrong places. I don’t want to be the good girl anymore! I just want to be me. More life also means authoring my own unique story, not in comparison to anyone else, but just in letting my story, our story, unfold organically, and celebrating it in the moment, leaving room for new life to join the pages.
Hi Mlee,
Thank you for sharing. Kudos to you for wanting to be you and authoring your own unique story! Your post struck a chord for me because I too was raised very similarly where I was taught to look for my mother’s approval. She would comment on my choice of clothes and friends. It was and still is to this day and orphan view that she has of me. She still comments on how I’m standing, my clothes, makeup (or lack there of) etc. I’m learning to communicate from a more visionary standpoint but it’s not easy. Definitely a work in progress for me. She also found the outward appearance important and I’m realizing maybe it was to hide everything that was falling apart on the inside.
Thanks for reminding me that more life means “being a grown up and acting life it”.
Mlee
Great insights on your Orphans and you have excellently articulated in simple terms on the good parenting orphan. I guess this is the most common orphan that we find in most of the homes. I could instantly connect with all your comments, the public pressure, acceptance play such a huge role.
In fact it was just a year back I finally came face to face with this orphan when I did body truth (womb with a view and my mother not myself) and realized that I am still connected to my mom with an umbilical cord and no wonder I always wanted her approval on whatever I did, I wanted her to shoulder my pain and burden and was way too dependent on her. It was such a revelation. The orphan to orphan that I had with her and the WHY behind it became clear. Compassion overflowed for her for the first time. I don’t expect her to change and she lives in her happy orphan state, but at least I could finally cut the cord and stop the flow. Just felt like a gush of energy that got released once i did it.
And another important aspect is what not to pass on to the next generation. May be time for doing a bit of claiming your inheritance once again :)
Thanks to you !!
I love this blog and the question “what does “more life” look like to you?” I think that more life is seizing the moment and embracing it as perfect learning. It is so easy for me to get caught up in what I think things should look like. It is far more satisfying and less frightening to embrace what is. We are waiting for the outcome of our recent treatment and know that I must accept and welcome what comes as the right path for us. It seems that as I relax into the concept that it is all good, life is easier and fuller and that feels like “more life” to me with more depth and peace. Take care and hear you soon. Love, Chayim xx
I want the winds of desire take me to the place of fulfillment I long, where I only could feel a very sweet breeze remembering me about pregnancy and birthing and not this agony of my mind that keep me in despair.
I am starting to wonder what would happen if I would give even a chance. Before, I did not contemplated this possibility. I have been complaining about how much I have been doing… and I am full of sh***t too.
To dare to feel this longing, that I could feel so deeply today while I menstruate that is real.
Gea
Since yesterday I’ve been thinking about privacy. One of my friends is getting married in a couple of weeks, and a common friend of ours said she is not going to the wedding but didn’t say why. I was so mad she was not telling me and realized this is something that happens frequently with me.
In the past I would always feel proud of myself for being open, honest, and always sharing everything that’s been going on in my life with everybody, no matter how intimate, I had nothing to hide -I told to myself. Nothing was too private for me, so even though in group settings I would remain quiet, in one on one conversations I would say everything. Then I felt, in many occasions, people would use this information to hurt me or be invasive. I would also feel resentful, as I did with my friend yesterday, when people (including my husband) did not reciprocate and decided to keep some things to themselves.
There is no question that the more we share, our feelings, our thoughts, our opinions, our actions; the more vulnerable and exposed we are to other’s. They know more about us, they can have opinions, instructions, feelings about our feelings. This can be a twofold situation. Sharing and then receiving other people’s reactions can make us feel unloved and unaccepted, question our own instincts, feelings, desires, everything that we are. But it can also leave us open to receive their love, to invite them to be open themselves and have a more intimate and fruitful relationship where both of you can learn from each other.
So the question is not to share or not to share but rather, who is sharing? Is it the orphan or is it the visionary? And once you share and get a response, who is receiving this response, is it the orphan or the visionary? My guess is that if the orphan shares, the orphan receives, and the same goes for the visionary. If she is sharing, it is more possible that she will be also there to receive. Asking these couple of questions has made all the difference for me.
The answer was that this oversharing many times came from my orphans’ desire to be heard, accepted and caressed by others, and even looking to be punished or reprimanded for not “behaving well.” These orphans were so abandoned that they would look for whatever they could get from the outside. My Denial was to believe I was doing this because I was a person without filter, open to anybody. But the reality many times was that I had all these orphans that only wanted to be loved, to receive attention, and I wasn’t giving it to them, and worst of all, I wasn’t protecting them from others criticism and influence, so they became even more frightened and insecure.
This journey has been all about this sharing-receiving play for me. Should I share that I want to have a baby and I haven’t been able to? Now that I did it, should I share posts about this in social media? Should I share about the OVUM practice? And both orphans and visionaries keep showing up.
Still, wanting to be open remains, the Desire to have intimate and honest relationships with others who are built in trust and compassion remains. And I think the only way of doing this is by being aware of who is showing up, is it the orphan, is it the visionary? Finally taking care of my orphans so they won’t feel the need to vent out all the time so someone else pays attention to them, because I’ll be paying attention already. To me this is what more life sounds like. To be engaged with myself, to be engaged with others. To connect.
That’s why I have to thank all of you. For your kindness and bravery, for being here. I missed the call but thanks to you I can get a sense of what it was about. I can read all the wonderful insights you got from the call and read this beautiful and timely post. Julia is right, without your openness I wouldn’t be able to identify some of my own orphans or visionaries, with this vulnerability and honesty that we all share, my practice and this journey would not be the same. Julia and the rest of you have always left me inspired. So, thank you!
BC,
Brilliant insights. Couldn’t agree more. Still working on having my orphans emerge as visionaries. You articulated this so wel! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing your insights Brave Caterpillar!
This is Purnima. We met at the workshop :) I changed my name on the blog recently! I just saw your comment to my comment on the other post, but since this is more recent, I thought of responding to you here. Coincidently I also came across Julia sharing your blog name on Facebook on the Fertile Heart page today. I loved your comment sharing how your name came to be Brave Caterpillar. It’s been nice reading your comments on the blog.
I ended up having to travel on a short notice. I am back now. Because I was away I could not be on the Intro series for Jan, but luckily Julia started a new weekend intro series in Feb. So I have been part of that, and it has been very helpful to be able to reconnect with the work.
I can relate to many of your lines in this comment. I have been there. I tend to be a private person, but sometimes I have surprised myself by sharing something too intimate with someone I don’t know very well. I tend to trust people who I sometimes trust naively and end up getting hurt.
But life is a learning experience. I too am glad to have found a platform and community where I can safely share when I am ready without pressure and with no fear of being judged. All the insights that fertile heart sisters have shared on the blog and forum have been so helpful. Thank you Julia!
“This journey has been all about this sharing-receiving play for me. Should I share that I want to have a baby and I haven’t been able to? Now that I did it, should I share posts about this…”
Sweet & soaring Brave Caterpillar, are you trying to tell us something here?
Such a great call on Monday. I have been away for close to a year and I felt like I had never left. I was so excited to scream “I can’t F*&)ING believe I am still here after all my work!!” While I know I’m not in the same place, I’m in the same place. Know what I mean??
Butterflyfaith and Gutsymama I know the fear!! I have been afraid for years. Recently I made a decision to apply for adoption through state care. Talk about fear and orphans! While I am not sure where this road will lead (10 weeks of classes, home study, references, medical checks, etc., etc.,) I know that in order to have “more life” I needed to make a choice and act on it. Of course, my “it’s not f’n fear”, ” I want my own biological baby” and ” I want to be pregnant!” orphans are screaming in my face. But my V is telling me that sometimes you have to make the best choice with what you have in front of you. So, more life for me is acting on my desire and stop denying myself the chance to be a mom.
It was so good to hear your voice! We’ve all missed you. I think of you often and am so glad to hear you’re still fighting the good fight with us. So exciting to hear of the Visionary steps you’re taking! Can’t wait to see where it all leads you.
I agree with butterfly! It was so great to hear your voice and hear your updates! Sending you good ju ju on your journey!
Great to hear you on the call InThisMoment! I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were doing my friend! I love the acting on your desire!
Thanks for the support ladies! However, I find myself really struggling with this decision. Although I know I needed to do something to move along, I have too many orphans showing up this past week. I feel like I am denying my deepest desire of being able to birth a child with a husband (or boyfriend at least) and even when trying to get pregnant with donor sperm, in my gut I knew I was denying myself. I know this is why it never worked. But now I feel I have extremely limited choices. It’s been brought to my attention that in order to accept my current situation and move on to fully be present in the adoption process I should have a ceremony of some sort to signify the loss of this desire and begin to move through the stages of grief. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t want to lose this deepest desire of mine – the pain is so deep. Am I afraid of losing the pain?? Does it mean I’m settling for a “lesser” family?
I’m working with defend/receive and ladder of light to help these orphans see a better place.
For some reason this post really struck a chord with me and I had to think on it for several days before posting. As I was doing my typical stream of thought this morning, I had an epiphany about a family situation/relationship.
Years and years ago, I went on what I refer to as the ” family trip to hell” with my Father, his wife, my brother and his future wife. As I was discussing my brother and his then girlfriend ( now wife) plan to move into together, my father’s wife did this whole passive- aggressive and downright cruel line of questioning about my relationship status and told me I would never have children or be married. I completely lost it in my hotel room and didn’t speak to my father or his wife for quite a while. My relationship with her has never been repaired and I decided it was simply easier to deny having a relationship with her than confront her on her hurtful and hostile comments. She and I continue to have communication issues to this day.
I was reflecting on that trip today ( and reflecting on my orphans of the past, present, and future) and what occurred to me was my father’s wife had some orphans she was wrestling with, one of which had to have been that she was unable to get pregnant with my father when they got married and she was projecting those feelings of denial,hurt, disappointment, anger, and regret on to me. Maybe she wanted to mourn for her loss but chose anger instead…who knows…maybe it was a warning to me about my then boyfriend…
That had never occurred to me before today. Looking at her treatment of me through the compassionate eyes of my visionary/ UM put that situation into a different category. It took me 5 years to come to this conclusion today… all because of this blog.
Denial can be a huge crutch for me. So what does “more life” look like for me… I need to move forward in my relationships with myself and others using a more compassionate visionary lens and I need to move forward in facing my own fears before I act them out like my father’s wife did.
Heather this makes me think of the line hurting people, hurt people. In the midst of her anger, loss, denial, etc. she was projecting this on to you. I am glad you found that orphan and your visionary is moving to the forefront. I can honestly say my own mother has many hurt orphans that she projects out. I have healed enough to know when her oprhan’s are out to play. I take the visionary road to the best of my ability!
Dear Fertile Mamas,
I meant to add – I love going to the nursery/garden center and looking at all the beautiful plants and flowers!
Dear Fertile Mamas,
Knk 21, good luck to you getting out of the orphanage and Gutsymama good luck on your test. butterflyfaith good insight about thinking verses doing and Sparkxy, wonderful for working on denial and desire. Great for looking at bravery, Openhearted and peacefulwarrior wonderful for Roar and bringing more life.
I have been doing Meeting Your Child Halfway imagery and visualizing pregnancy body truth. I was just reading about someone who ended up conceiving who did something kind for herself after any negative medical reports to regain her inner authority. That sounded good to me I just had an image that if a young child of ours was injured or verbally harassed by another young person, I don’t think it would make sense to further harass or injure the child to try to “help” them. They need kindness. That just seemed to relate to the person doing something nice for herself. There is a part to my personality that is a fixer. If the fixing is not going well, then I feel bad about me. I would like to get to the point where I realize just being me and being alive today is utterly awesome. I often use up my energy in how to fix my daughter mode brought on by fear mode (a lot because of grades, a lot because of emotional issues). Sometimes I realize that maybe all my thought processes are not that helpful – then I get sad about how much time has been devoted to them. I’ve tried to list some things to do to take care of myself -they always seem to get squeezed into the “didn’t get to” list, but I am really looking at that and saving more time for that. So more life please is a good topic for me. For right now more life please means taking more care of me so I can really look at my choices with clear vision.
Blessings to all
Hi GSD: Brilliant insight about being nice to ourselves when life isn’t. If my daughter had some mean kid treat her unkindly during the day, would I ever tell her, “Well, you deserved it. You deserve all the crap life gives you?” Absolutely not! Yet I easily do it to myself. Hmm. You’ve provided a snowflake, my friend. Thank you!
I know the call was very powerful but it was also very difficult for me. I have such a hard time with feeling exposed and boy was I exposed Monday night. part of me not wanting a child? I asked myself reasons and there was more than one. somehow after Monday night a flood gate was lifted and the tears wont seem to stop. Which I guess is good – a way of releasing energy and emotion? I did not see that part of myself clearly. I know I am a strong person. I do know that. part of me is hurt and sad and broken hearted but I am no wimp. I have come a long way and I intend to keep going. I spoke to my husband about my fears of being pregnant, having a child, having the financial and physical responsibilities, not wanting either of us to repeat our weird childhoods etc. It felt freeing but also sad.
In the meantime I did call the lady yesterday to help talk to me about the test we spoke about on the call and in a semi cruel joke her offices are closed every Tuesday. So she and I emailed each other and I told her I would call her today to set the time. So I have been in denial yes and maybe there is more I cannot see clearly. However what I do see clearly is my desire to be a mom. I recently saw an old video about 10 years ago and my 1 year old nephew laying on me – I have to say I looked like a natural mom even though I was in aunt mode.
Hi GM
After reading your post, I just felt like sharing a moment that I experienced on this journey. There was a moment when Julia mentioned to me that more than trying to get pregnant she felt I was deliberately trying NOT TO GET PREGNANT !! I was like “Whattttttt?????” Frankly speaking I was lost post that call. But she was damn sure about it and after I came out of my shock (took several months as usual), I tried to analyze and start seriously looking for clues. I always had dreams with specific themes.
Firstly with “my husband was leaving me for some other women, we were parting our ways, I wouldn’t allow him back into my life or I was obsessed with something or someone and left my husband”
Secondly, as I shared on the forums and blogs earlier, I almost always had near death experience dreams especially around ovulation time. Thanks to dream journal, once this hit me, I tracked all my dreams for several months and was at loss that this was a recurring theme every month and I never understood what was that so called “Dangerous Path” that showed up in my dream, finally I understood that I treated “Pregnancy as the dangerous path” and that’s what Julia mentioned months prior to my revelation. It was truly amazing and shocking. I did a lot of work to really let the orphan speak her truth. It was so relieving and energizing to let go of that feeling and walk down the visionary route. Just felt like sharing my experience.
Coming to answer Julia’s beautiful “What does MORE LIFE look to you?”, something I used to run after a while back assuming, defining how “MORE LIFE” should be, but at this very moment, I feel just be in the present, enjoy every moment, acknowledge every aspect of life and every moment is a miracle, whether the moment is in my favor or not; constantly keep reminding myself to let go off my control and flow with the current of life. I tend to forget these every now and then but I do keep getting beautiful reminders as fb posts, whatsapp messages or Julia’s blogs :))…reminding me constantly.
Oh what I forgot to mention about the 1st dream theme was to replace the “Some other women with a child” and it made perfect sense. I was afraid the child might build a gap or some crap thought, but pretty strong one
Thank you Miraculouslife for sharing this! I am looking for clues myself. I hope all is well and you are enjoying everything! Miss hearing your voice.
Thanks GM !!
I just wanted to share my clues, hoping they could help you. Sometimes getting the clues itself makes half job done! So good luck !!
Last night’s call was amazing. There is something so utterly freeing and downright liberating when we get to scream the f-bomb. Thank you all for letting me work through some demons on the call. I was having a very rough few days and I was just so sick of this journey. I wanted to stop. It all felt beyond hopeless, like I was way too old to be playing this game and it’s time I wised up, stopped being in DENIAL and just pulled the plug. I was so wrapped up in my anger and fear I couldn’t tell if it was a Visionary trying to get me to stop torturing myself or an orphan screaming her head off. I’m feeling better today. I guess yelling about not fu**ing believing something is medicinal. ha ha. My hope was rekindled a tad bit and I’m trying to hang on to it. It has been such a long journey. This month will be three years since my miscarriage and for every single day of those three years having a baby has been at the front of my mind. I’m exhausted. I’m terrified.
And I am full of sh**. I say I want this baby to complete our family, and I say I am working so hard at it. But in reality, I am not. I am not doing what I need to do. In my head I’m doing something every hour of every day: I am thinking about this baby, how to get her, what I can do next. But am I taking ACTION?? No. I’m like the gal who needs to lose 50 pounds and yet all I do is think about walking on the treadmill at the gym. I need to move. I’m not writing, meditating, tapping, journaling, taking pictures, coloring, ANYTHING. I barely do my imagery and BT. Even my vitamins are getting the backseat lately.
When GM spoke to Julia on the call about her not taking a medical test, it hit me (thanks for sharing GH!). An orphan popped out. I don’t move or do anything except think about it (and exhaust myself by doing so) because I am PARALYZED by fear. I am so scared of everything: getting answers, getting pregnant, not getting pregnant, my period, my health, my loved ones’ health, LOSS. Oh that’s a big one. I am so afraid of it all I do nothing. The fear orphan rules me and keeps me from trying. What if I did get what I want so much? How terrifying would that be??
So while I still feel like sh** and I worry about what is next, I at least have a bit of a clue as to why I am doing what I do and feeling how I do. Now what do I do about it?
Love and hugs to you all.
thank you for saying that butterfly. the fear was so paralyzing that I did not even see it clearly!
No, thank YOU GM! Your spot on the love bench opened up a lot of insight for me. I know it is scary and difficult to be so “out there” on the calls (hey, I’m full of sh**, remember. ha ha ha.), and I am giving you a virtual hug of encouragement. Know that risking some openness helps you and the rest of us. I now know I have been paralyzed by fear of success AND failure, and that fear has been hiding behind large to-do lists, work, falling asleep, anger, envy, etc. But when stripped down, I can see it’s just pure, brilliant fear. I even fear success because I believe I don’t deserve happiness and good things, so that success would come with a very very large price tag I don’t want to pay. Hugs to you, brave mama.
Yes OpenHearted – I totally agree with you. Thank you for working with Julia last night. I felt the presence of our circle more strongly than I have before throughout our call. I am so glad that I am a part of this.
As for the two Ds, I feel like I am breaking out of Denial, although I’m not consistent. Some days I am definitely mind f***ing myself into a tolerable oblivion. For desire, what is kind of sad is that some days I don’t even know exactly *what* I want. How is that even possible? I guess I am full of s**t sometimes too, butterfly.
Can I just say how much I love the f-bombs – so freeing.
Haha, Fertile Sister. At least we are full of sh** together. :-) Gotta love peeling back the layers and seeing ourselves raw and real. I often need that kick in the butt to get things going and to shake me out of the orphanage.
Thank you for such a powerful call last night! Every single visionary mother struck an orphan that has popped up or may be somewhat current for me. Thank you for helping me wrestle with that lonely orphan that keeps rearing her head. You hit the nail on the head. She continually wants something more from others and when she does not get it she looks to herself thinking there must be something wrong within or finds the faults that mimic the one who has let her down the most. That orphan is definitely the 10 year old in me screaming to be seen, heard, and recognized by the one person who should have done all those things but failed due to her own orphans.
Very fitting for me I get devotionals from A Holy Experience and today it was all about When its time to be brave & pray. This one line spoke so much to this current lonely orphan and the visionary that is so longing to be birthed!
We will be the strong and courageous in a “faith that doesn’t erase insecurity, doubt, suffering or fear, but literally, daily, overcomes them.” (Jen Hatmaker)
Thanks again and this line from the devotional speaks of you, your bravery and all you lovely Visionary mothers!
We will be the strong and courageous who do that one next step that seems impossible — because that’s who we are: The ImpossABLES
With love,
OH
Thank you OH for sharing. What a beautiful quote from the devotional! I searched for the website and read the entire entry. Her words spoke to my heart, especially “Do not pray for the hard thing to go away but pray for a bravery to come that’s bigger than the hard thing”. How true it is for me! I have often times asked “why me?” and I’m reminded that we are each born with a different mission. I can’t compare myself to the coffee drinking, cigarette smoking, McDonald’s eating twenty something who gets pregnant with her 3 child so easily. I have to be braver and stronger.
The title of this blog reminds me of Katy Perry’s song “Roar”. I have to keep reminding myself to stand up for myself in many aspects of my life: home, work, family….”More life” for me means that I have time to do the things that I enjoy, to put myself first. Simple things such as prioritizing my life and better balancing my responsibilities so that I can do things to help me heal physically and emotionally, without beating myself up if I don’t get everything done on my ‘to do’ list. I realize that I’m taken advantage of at work because I am a hard worker. I have a good work ethic but that doesn’t mean that I should let others use me. “More life” means asking for help at home from a Visionary perspective. I’m realizing that Orphan communication is not productive. It usually spirals out of control and allows other orphans to put the blinders on me. “More life” means living life fully and consciously through a Visionary lens.
Thank you Julia and all the mamas on last night’s call for opening yourselves up and bringing “more life” into my world!