“The Day Oprah didn’t save my life,”
would’ve also worked as a title of this post. Both of those titles would’ve been telling the truth.
Here is why.
It was almost as I had dreamt it.
Almost.
In the dream, or rather a nightmare, the Oprah Crew showed up unannounced at the back door of our Upper West Side apartment just as I was putting out the garbage in my worn out checkered red and black flannel pajamas.
Four days later, the camera man, the soundman and a—blond, thirty-something, I’ve-got-it-under-control—walked through the front door as my husband, my children and I waited wide eyed for the day to unfold.
This was going to be IT.
The kitchen was as scrubbed as it could be, but just in case, our standby location for the “ juicing scene” had been prepped in my neighbor’s curtain-ed breakfast nook.
Four years after self publishing the story of my inconceivable conception, an Oprah producer saw one of my clients on Good Morning America, read and liked the book, and pitched my story for the Remembering Your Spirit segment of the Oprah Winfrey Show.
Several rounds of screening interviews followed.
I was declared to be the “real deal.”
My husband Ed and I started researching companies that would take care of fulfillment for the avalanche of sales that were bound to pour in after the show. Wouldn’t it be great, we fantasized, if Ed could quit his day job and instead of an investment bank, he could use his talents building the Fertile Heart community.
There was just one small crimp in the grand plan.
There were no books in the stores. The timing of what was to be our big break was just a a wee bit off. The publisher who bought the rights to the Trade Paperback of Inconceivable was not prepared to speed up production to catch up with our luck
To be fair, we did have a spike in sales. Our Amazon ratings for a few days after the show aired went through the roof.
But it was nowhere near the “big break” we imagined.
And then again, maybe it was.
Maybe the timing was perfect.
Maybe it all happened in line with a plan far more grand than Ed and I could orchestrate.
After decades of trying to cure my obsession for searching for saviours, something about that Oprah show had a decidedly curative effect.
It was a timely lesson I may need to keep re-learning for the rest of my life.
Nope, it was not a lesson I wanted to learn.
In some crusty corner of my heart, there may always be a forgotten child, yearning for a rescue team. Someone to speak up for her. A defender, an advocate. Someone to validate her right to be alive, to take up space on this most amazing earth.
The rest of me knows I’ve been saved a long time ago; I am, in fact, exactly where I need to be.
The rest of me knows that being saved is an inside job.
Years later, my work is probably very different than it would’ve been, had we sold a million copies of Inconceivable.
Would my work be better or worse?
Who’s to say?
All I know is that the truth I choose to live, is that the Fertile Heart OVUM birthing practice, needed a longer gestation, in order to grow into the—beautiful, fully formed creation, with its very own name, language, philosophy, its own special tools—which it is today.
So, you see, Oprah and the publisher who chose not to speed up production of Inconceivable did save the life I live today.
They saved my life after all.
Any life-saving events in your neck of the woods?
Or another question I suggested on the last call: how are you saving your life today?
Today I am saving my life by choosing a different option than wine, I had a tiny bit of grape juice with spsrkling water… Delicious!!! And I feel My body wants this beautiful color.
Today I am saving my life by not allowing myself to hyperfocus on one particular aspect of becoming more fertile and beating myself up about why I didn’t do a good enough job. Today I ate a fair amount of less-than-ideal, sugary food. I ate dairy free ice cream, thai food and a tiny cup of decaf coffee. Most times, I would focus on this and the lack of self control it suggests. I would say to myself, “I guess you must not fully want this baby if you’re willing to eat like that. Julia would not have touched those foods at this stage of her journey.” But tonight, I’m focusing on the big picture. Growth takes time and is often two steps forward, one step back. I must be proud and satisfied that everything is generally moving in the right direction. I’m doing imagery and body truth twice a day without missing. I’m reading for plesasure again. I’m slowly tackling my much avoided finances and paperwork. I’m breathing more deeply and feeling calmer. I eat highly nutritious foods most days of the week. For tonight, that is as much as I can expect myself to do. In the past, I’ve been able to keep the perfect diet but not make much progress on those other fronts. Right now I’m looking for balance. I have to believe that seeking balance will go at least as far toward saving my life as being “perfect” with my diet but avoiding the spiritual and emotional parts of me. So I guess I’m saving my life tonight by letting myself off the hook, breathing deeply and giving myself permission to get messy and learn as I go.
TodAy I lost it again. I was not intentional like I wanted, have my belly too full and The time to go to bed is getting close.
Today instead having a mid morning snack that I only would have eaten because my anxiety I am saving my life by going for a nice walk with my dog. It was sunny and I appreciate so many spring blossoms in the trees, also the soft green coming from the young leaves…
The life saving event in my life was when I found out that my daughter has food allergies. Initially I was very upset. I am not a great cook and then to have a long list of foods that I couldn’t feed her was very stressful. Later on I realized that it was probably a blessing because I had to choose foods more wisely for her and became more aware of ingredients and reading food labels. It also allows me to educate her about food and to be more vigilant about what she eats at school.
Today I am saving my life by taking a barre class and get some movement going in my body.
I have been reading this blog and comments over and over for the past two weeks. Everyone has wonderful life-saving events and I am wracking my brain trying to identify a life-saving event(other than finding FH). The best I can come up with is that I’m living through that event now.
This past summer/fall really sort of felt as if I had about 3 grains of sand left in the hour glass and I was falling into complete hopelessness of having a child. I had gained a lot of weight, wasn’t physically active (due to foot injury) and felt alone in my journey to motherhood.
In October my mother decided to begin a weight loss program and was extremely encouraging to me to join with her. I was convinced my body couldn’t /wouldn’t/shouldn’t lose weight because I hadn’t in years. Not even 5 lbs. I did join with her, completely doubting myself, my body. Well, 5 months & 37 lbs later, I am still in awe that my body actually did something ( amazing to me) that I was convinced would NEVER happen. My foot injury has healed, I exercise about 5 times a week and I haven’t felt this good about myself in years. I do look to this experience and hope that maybe it shows that while I’ve been told countless times I’m too old to conceive, that maybe, just maybe, my body will rise to the occasion as it did with the weight loss.
I was privileged to witness many of your lifesaving moments since I’ve known you and I haven’t known you that long.
You participated in them. Fully. They prepared you for the weigh loss program, which was probably there for many years, but you couldn’t take advantage of it, without building up you inner resources.
Perhaps, dear In The Moment, if you could claim those lifesaving moments, then it might be easier to co-create the next lifesaving moments you need for your next beautiful birth.
I feel like every day this work saves me from going back to pulling the covers over my head so I wont have to open up to my past hurts or find myself so fearful of what may or may not happen today. In fact oprah may have been part of my own saving grace. I remember 5 years ago my daughter napping and a special came on about two sisters who had grown up in life much like my own. My own soul knew the healing I needed, but the orphans, timing, who knows why I did not take off on my healing until 2 years later. I then found Fertile Heart a year later in the midst of one of my toughest seasons. The healing has been immense and continues to be. No longer am I hiding but I am free! Getting stronger and more fertile daily due to this practice and you, Julia! Thank you!
Dear Julia and Fertile Mamas,
I am not sure of the answer to how am I saving my life, but I did want to check in about what I have been working on these past 2 weeks. Maybe the answer will come out of that. On the call I mentioned wanting to figure out my passion so that I could find a job that is more aligned with it. It goes with the being blind to my own gifts, again wanting to know what my gift is so I could use it. I did “meeting my work halfway” and I did find it very interesting, although I did not get the final answer about what the passion would be. But in my imagery, I saw myself interacting with people either one on one or in meetings or speaking in front of groups. I definitely did not see myself being a computer writing emails or documents all day which is what I generally do. I did not realize how much I miss the face to face interactions with people as I am an introvert and can get overwhelmed by it. But at least it is a clue to try to find more of that in my work in the future.
I also wanted to share about an orphan that came up on the last call. I pictured a 5 year old and I asked her what she wants to be when she grows up. She said I don’t know at first, and then she said it’s because I don’t want to grow up. I have been working with her ever since, sometimes with Field of Creation, sometimes just talking with her directly. She is quiet and stubborn, not angry or emotional about it. But she is fairly stuck in wanting to stay the age she is where she doesn’t have responsibility or grown up worries. I feel like she is the key to what’s holding me back in life and in my fertility journey because she clearly doesn’t want to be a mom either. Of course she wants to be taken care of by someone else.
The thing that might save my life is a tragedy that happened to someone else that I know. It’s particularly poignant because she was someone who was living her passion and purpose and was a role model for me in what that looks like. She was my cats’ veterinarian for many years, who also helped us with our cat who died a year ago. She died on Saturday of a sudden and abrupt condition. Her passing is a reminder that life is short, that I have to live it to the fullest now and I can’t put off finding my passion or my gift until next year or the year after that or after I have a baby or find another route to motherhood. I am trying to keep her memory in mind when I face situations or issues in my life, so that I can come from a more visionary place and make better decisions and stop wasting my life on things that don’t matter to me.
Sorry to end this on a down note, but it has been a sobering experience and has affected me a lot more than I would have expected it to.
Today things got off the path I committed.
Today I am saving my life by having a glass of warm water with lemon in the morning and a cup of warm herbal tea before I am going to bed.
Today I went out!! I am saving my life by having an organic lentle burger instead the normal option. I am also starting to read again the food chapter in the fertile female
Before finding fertileheart, I did go through several rounds of treatment. The way the AMH/FSH hormones were tested after 4 yrs of treatment only because I was young, they assumed I wouldn’t have hormonal issues, the way that information was given to me in an extremely casual way over the phone that “Ohhh…..<0.16 AMH means chances of conception is less than 1% with IVF", the way the whole treatment was handled with daily blood works for Lh monitoring and ultrasounds, the way the news of "your eggs didn't fertilize" & the ultimate judgment from the doctors on my conception success (<1%) – all these events were my life savers.
The desperation to have a child increased exponentially, which led to google search on hope stories with low or negligible AMH & high FSH stories, which led me to the Fertile heart path.
If any one of the IVF treatments would have worked out, I would have been a totally different person and an absolutely different mother – a control freak, building heavy expectations, one who would have been embarrassed to have children late, one full of guilt, shame….."A mother in orphanland raising her child/ren and passing all the traits to the next generation" – WOW that would have been quite something.
Most of the time the life saver events don't appear like life savers. But I learnt to bow to what is and flow with the current of life and bow to the life teacher as she gives different experiences. And I also learnt which bird to feed – V or O. Not that I always feed V, but at least I have tools that I can use in every walk of my life.
Thank you Julia and Fertile Heart OVUM tools !!
Today I am saving my life… By having a colorful salad for lunch instead a turkey bacon sandwich with cheese that my husband prepared for himself. I did it without feelling deprived. My salad gave me pleasure and I was fully content after my meal. I put sprouts, a few nuts and some fermented veggies and arugula and avocado! He said today is the first time we eat different. I am reflecting in this. Thank you❤️
Cheering you on, Esperanza! Great visionary rooted actions on food choices :)
Thanks
I love reading all of these comments. I needed them today. It’s been a very rough week since I just caught the worst virus I’ve had in probably 10 years. Misery! So I’m feeling sick and whiney and vulnerable. The fever and illness even brought my period on a few days early. I feel so physically and emotionally weak it’s very hard to not feed the wrong wolf. My “screw it I give up!” quitter/doomsday orphan is very loud these days. I know it’s because I do nothing to challenge her and instead I feed her and make her stronger.
So thank you all for the comments. They are helping me feed the right wolf today.
Dear Fertile Mamas,
Heather, I love the guidepost idea and Harmonious Life, wonderful for good work choices and preparing to be a better mother. Tracy thank you for your support and mlee wonderful for being right where you need to be. Ruth Hegarty, I am so sorry for your losses, but it is wonderful this work gives you strength and Annabell, I am sorry you had breast cancer, but how wonderful you came out the other side to such a beautiful place. gutsymamma that is a wonderful dream. butterflyfaith, I love working the 4th of July and meeting your husband and Sparxy that is so awesome not to condescend to patients and I am sorry the appointment you had with your doctor was saddening.
I have been doing Netting your Child Halfway Fertile Heart imagery and pregnancy body truth. I am grateful my husband agreed to do an imagery/art piece with me – drawing a picture of some of the biggest obstacles to a conception friendly environment and then drawing the opposite – kind of like Mosaic of Revelation. I loved visiting the zoo with my daughter yesterday. We had a great time particularly watching the sea lion do tricks. My daughter and I share a love of animals and I am so grateful for that. My fear orphan is still there – I’m trying to make a plan and then set her aside if she’s not in too much turmoil.
Blessings to all.
Today I am saving my life… Taking a delicious midmoorning smothie with rice milk, Tahini, spinach and banana.❤️❤️❤️❤️
I think my early anger/tenacity in my fertility journey was my life-saver. It manifested as grief and sadness then lit a fire in me to keep moving forward ( which is how I found Julia and FH) I found I could work with anger as it served as a catalyst to do something, anything. Grief immobilized and numbed me. My anger used to come from a place of ” I’ll show THEM!” and after many years of working with FH it has been channeled into ” let’s start heading towards my next guidepost… what can I learn from this, what do I use,what do I take with me and what do I leave behind.” It is still something I work with on a daily basis.
It’s been nourishing to read these comments, all of you! I could not think of much to write for a while. And I have been pushing myself to do my practice to earn the privilege of posting here. So here I am today writing a comment, and excited to co-create this space we share.
The two life-saving events that did not feel life-saving at the time for me are – my failure to change my job within my previous company right after I got married. It was very tough first 5 months of our marriage. My husband and I were living on two different coasts and would meet at most once every two weeks. I remember feeling very sad and hopeless during that time. Luckily I got my act together, and my desperation and I should say, divine intervention helped me overcome my grief and take a lot of actions to have the luxury of multiple job offers to choose from. I should say I surprised myself a bit when I chose the least paid of the three because I got a feel of people who I will work with being nice, those who interviewed me, and it did not have pager duty support which other two did. This has been one of the best decisions of my lifetime. Not only are the people nice, I now have a manager (male) who has been supportive of my journey. I do have long hours and some work-related stress from it, but I feel like this is the first time I am in the company of people and management who truly see and value who I really am, and have potential to become. I did not find this in my previous two jobs. To top it all, my current employer recently improved considerably the maternity leave benefit from its previous policy. It feels great to know that I made the right choice without knowing these positive changes, took a leap of faith and it was lot of hard work, but it has been paying off.
The second event I would not have called it life-saving event. But thanks to my recent FH practice. I realized yet again. An early miscarriage I suffered two years ago has changed me as a person in many ways – not just in my personal interactions but also work interactions. I have had an image of myself as being a really nice person to others, but I have known that I could be mean or feel competitive sometimes not knowing it and have a strong ego (pride). After that experience and going through a loss of which I could hardly experience the initial joy, I felt humbled. I would have been a different mother if it had not happened. Sometimes it is hard to see that event as a life-saving event. But I know that my heart opened more. I also find it hard to believe that I had bought a copy of ‘Inconceivable’ before this event and it was sitting in my book shelf. I think I read it right after that event and I did not connect with it as I did when i re-read it in Sept/Oct last year (1.5 years after this event). In fact reading this and the ‘Fertile Female’ made me realize that we had been going to the wrong doctor for help in conception. We were going to an Ob/gyn who is super nice, but that’s not her specialty. Some people are helped by these physicians of course, but we really needed an RE at that point.
Fortunately I did not stop at reading the books this time. By stroke of luck I found the website after reading the book and the forum responses were very helpful to figure out my next steps – which was signing up for a workshop.
When I do the practice, I feel empowered and guided. On good days, I see myself doing this practice for a very long time on my other future adventures after the baby journey. Thank you Julia! and thank you all.
i still enjoy your open hearted blog posts so much. Sending love and hope to those who are still waiting to meet their child half way.
My little love is two.
Hi Peanutgirl :)))
Good to hear from you…..we were in the same teleconferences back in 2012/2013. Glad to hear about your miracle baby. Even my miracle baby is on the way :)
Miracle hope!!! Yay!!! I would check back in every once in a while to check in on you. I missed this announcement!! I’m over the moon happy for you!! Do you have a story posted? I’d love to read it :).
Over the time period of spring-fall of last year, I went through two lengthy interview processes at two different organizations where I was in the final round of numerous interviews. Both of these positions presented opportunities to make more money and work within the specific area where I have my master’s degree. Needless to say I did not receive an offer for either position, further feeding the orphan that wants to be chosen, the orphan that comes so close, but doesn’t get. The orphan who is told, you’re really terrific, but apparently not terrific enough. This was a huge blow to my ego, especially with the second position because I thought at the time that this was something I really wanted. It ended up being a life-saving experience.
I realized through these experiences that I was replacing my frustration of the struggle to conceive with a professional struggle that really wasn’t there. It was during this time period that I also suffered two miscarriages. After some reflection, I saw that I was trying to work on something else that I could “succeed” at to soften the blow of not getting pregnant when I wanted to and the further suffering that comes from pregnancy loss.
Over the Christmas holidays, I got together with a very supportive friend of mine and our children. She asked what I was going to do about the job situation and I very firmly and confidently said, nothing at all. I am going to be happy where I’m at and focus on my family. I allowed myself to be distracted and derailed from what is truly important, and I wanted to put a stop to that in the new year.
I am now relieved that I didn’t get either one of those positions. It gave me the freedom and the mental clarity to focus on the things that matter most to me, things that these other organizations would not have cared about or supported me in doing with my life. Right now I’m right where I need to be.
All of the difficult events in recent years, the loss of my parents, my nephew, mine and my husbands home, the failed IVFs and the breakdown of our marriage, I’d say all of those things awakened my truest self. But fertile heart gave me the tools to not let me destroy myself, fertile heart truly saved me.
This week the boxes I’d stowed away from our beautiful home that we lived in 3 years ago, & where we had suffered such disappointment at not being able to have a family, were delivered to me. They also contained much from my parents home, & even things from my great great grandparents home. Julia I just want to say I am now so much more well equipped to deal with the weight of it all. I know who I am again, & I can feel a growing strength.
Beautiful.
Dearest Ruth. I really admire your courage, strength and spirit – You are inspiring x
Sending you much love Ruth!
This is a very thought-provoking post. Perhaps the most ‘live-saving’ event that has occurred to me was being diagnosed with breast cancer several years ago, aged barely 30. When it happened it certainly didn’t feel ‘life-saving’ – more like life-ending…But it changed my life radically – and some of those changes were undoubtedly positive ones. At the time of my diagnosis I was working very long hours, in a job I quite enjoyed but didn’t love. After I’d been through all the treatment I decided life was way too short to go back to that work scenario and I took the plunge and went freelance, worked less hours, earnt more money than I’d got in the office job and, most importantly, was able to explore things I’d felt passionate about before, but had never had the time to do – like yoga and creative writing. If I hadn’t had cancer I think my life would be very different – I’d have taken less risks, have probably stayed on exactly the same career trail, travelled less, given less value to the importance of enjoying each day, each week as much as possible. And been less grateful for things like my body and many of the small beauties in life. Yes, of course there were (and still are) days when I saw what had happened as being in no way a positive and just bad/unlucky/a stone around my neck…. But I think the more dominant feeling about this experience is that it brought its gifts, and that perhaps it was a necessary part of my journey through this life.
I often think about two of the tales Julia mentions in Fertile Female. One is the story of the farmer who has a series of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ events happen to him and each time the neighbours would rush round and say either ‘what good luck’ or ‘what bad luck’. And he always replied ‘good luck bad luck, who knows.’ Which is so true, as we can never know whether the biggest challenge will lead to the greatest joy vice versa. And the other is about an old man telling his grandson about 2 wolves fighting in his heart, one who wanted revenge and the other who didn’t and the grandson asked which would win – ‘the one I feed,’ the grandfather answered.
The last couple of calls have been very life saving for me. Even though I labored through some pain. IN the moment I was upset and scared by what I see revealed within me. However after getting through the rough tides of my emotions I can see how necessary it was for me to see these orhpans.
Somtimes I just want someone to pat me on the shoulder and say “dont worry you will become pregnant in april and all will be well.” Then I could set back and chill and not worry or what if the pregnancy the entire time. What if the baby is not healthy? What if I do not make it through the first trimester? What if I see the heartbeat slowing down again and they tell me “we are sorry but you are losing the pregnancy” What if I just cannot take that one more time and I am afraid it will crush me to my soul. I have been looking at these fears alot. I know there are no guarantees with each pregnancy. That is what my orhpan wants though. A guarantee my heart will not be splattered everywhere. I am grateful that I have the tools to work with her though.
One of my tools is I am using a dream reconstruction. In that dream I was 5 months pregnant. The doctor was calling me to tell me the results looked great and the baby was healthy. They told me I was having a girl. In the dream I told my husband and he was so happy and just glowing with emotion of gratefulness and happiness. This has been soothing. I have been using body truth this week and sometimes just winging it and making up my own and punching the air and cussing and crying. It feels good!
So in the end seeing my orhpans in the calls helps me to do this walk with them and to work with them on being a visionary.
Well, this hit the spot again! Wow, I don’t know how you do it Julia, but every blog seems to echo exactly what I’m thinking about, dealing with or going through.
I realized I have been fighting giving 100% to this journey for many reasons, one of which is that I fear what awaits me at the end of the tunnel is not a baby, but a new career, book, blog, photography adventure, etc. And right now, that feels like second place. For a long time in my life, I felt this higher power, this sense that everything happened for a reason and that reason was awesome. I could trust the universe and know it was all done in my best interest. Like how I had to work one Fourth of July and was so upset by that, but that was the day I met my husband. Or how I didn’t get the job I really wanted, but instead I got a better one.
But now, I find myself searching and coming up blank. I believe the universe doesn’t give a crap about me. I struggled with WHY so much these past few years. Why did my parents die, why did I lose the baby, why this why that. And I have no answers. It doesn’t make sense. But I can see what my orphans are doing. In all of their tantruming and acting out, they are exhausting me and keeping me from moving forward to even see what’s around the corner. They just keep telling me this limbo is my normal and I have to sit and wait for the next tragedy to happen because I don’t deserve it any other way. That paralyzes me from trying. But your blog reminded me of how I used to be, how I believed that there was something behind everything, and things did happen for a reason and things did turn out for the best.
Right now I feel myself letting up on the death grip I’ve had on my fertility. My orphans say it’s me giving up the ghost and just finally wising up. My Visionary says it’s me bowing to what is and finding peace knowing that my baby will arrive when the time is right. Needless to say I lean more on the orphan side right now, but I do hear the Visionary and haven’t written her off.
This blog gives me much to think about. As they all do. xo
This is hard one. Sometimes I still feel like I need my life to be saved. But thinking about it, I think that when my dad died when I was 21, it saved my life. I wanted to be a doctor without a clear vision about people’s lives better. It seemed glamorous and exciting and I’d always wanted to be useful. I really wasn’t thoughtful about my decision. But being with him, seeing how he was treated by health care providers, it really changed how I saw who I wanted to be and the work I wanted to do. So many times when I see patients, or even am just talking to people, I remember how it felt to be condescended to, treated like we weren’t important – I don’t want anyone to feel like that when I am with them.
I guess infertility has saved me too. It’s hard to really say that. I was complacent about many things – my constant anxiety, my lack of self-love, even my place in the world. It has really shaken me up and some days, I really don’t want it. I think to myself and the universe, I have learned what I need to learn. I’m ready now. But I know that’s not completely true. If I hadn’t taken this journey with infertility and the OVUM practice, I don’t think I would have asked myself so many of the questions that have arisen in the last two years. I wouldn’t be working on birthing a new Suzanne, wouldn’t have moved back home to be close to my family, wouldn’t have been as good a wife to my husband, wouldn’t be creating – cooking, knitting, planting roses. I would have hit another challenge down the road, maybe too late to really make a change.
I’m glad that Julia posted this. I had a very saddening appointment with my doctor today and I think I needed to write down that infertility has saved me, because I needed to remember that.
Dear Julia and Fertile Mamas,
Julia this is a beautiful piece about how frustrating and disappointing events can work in good ways. A couple of life-saving events have occurred for me. One was when may daughter was not where she was supposed to be and an official person let us know about that – this lead to finding a place for her to receive help when we had run out of ideas. Another life-saving event was when my husband was running out of chargeable work. It caused him to do quite a bit of reflection and now I like the person he has matured into a lot better. I feel like we are closer.
I have been doing Welcome Home body truth and Field of Creation Fertile Heart imagery. I am working on interacting with my daughter with less fear. My fear orphan has been asking for a lot of attention lately and I have not been able to be of too much comfort to her. In the teleconference I had an image of her with short hair, about 10 years old, in gray filmy tattered clothing. Her helper was a religious woman I admire. She gave my orphan a hug and for some reason on the other side of the beam of light there was talk of ice cream. That seemed to cheer my orphan up!
Blessings to all.