I used to be a feeling junkie.
I kept wanting to feel good all the time. I also thought that in order to be who I wanted to be I had to feel loving and generous at each moment, especially toward the people I was in direct relationship with.
That, of course, the demand to feel this or that way toward anyone at all, at any given time, comes from the Orphan’s aspiration to sainthood.
Love is a verb.
I can have a multitude of feelings toward you, but it’s what I do, how I treat you, that matters. You can profess your devotion a thousand times, but if you don’t hear a word I say, your words are like the elaborately wrapped gifts in window displays, which may look flashy, but are just empty boxes with nothing inside.
Feelings can be fickle. It’s what love compels us to do, that matters.
For a relationship to blossom into its full beauty, a certain level of loving engagement is non-negotiable. It calls for a particular behavior. It calls for action.
Children need gentle guidance to grow into loving adults. Humans in grown up bodies may also need guidance and diligent gentle self-witnessing to grow into adulthood.
Our main task as emerging fully human beings is to learn to love one another.
It’s one of the main subjects in our Fertile Heart Schoolhouse. It’s what every imagery and every Body Truth and every single exchange in our workshops and teleconferences is about.
It’s also the most valuable preparation for parenting.
Dear Fertile Mams,
I’m so grateful for all of you.
I believe I feel love when I feel listened to – whatever feelings I might be having. And I can be loving to others by listening to them I like it when people do something I enjoy with me. Last night my husband and I put on some music and did ballroom dancing around the living room. I asked my husband how he knew his parents loved him, and he said by being supportive – Oh, you’re doing a good job on _ and we’re so proud of you – also just offering limited advice.
I have been doing Speak Your Peace Fertile Heart body truth and Mosaic of Revelation Fertile Heart Imagery II.I’m trying to figure out how to manage my job search without being so busy -creating more space for myself.
Blessings to all
I think now that Julia meant to make me read and write my homework in this LOVE blog last week but I somehow got mistaken and commented in another LOVE blog that touched me so much that I think it was a lovely Visionary who took me there. I was challenged by Julia to write two actions of loving to myself this second week too. It’s SO hard to believe that I can’t find anyone this week! It’s just incredible. So incredible that I think I need to work hard on this. I could say that this week I went to a massage because I had a bad back pain. But I should have gone anyway, this shouldn’t count as ‘a little pleasure’. Reading the posts of all the lovely women here in these circles, put me in touch with this deep need of loving myself madly. Take an unconditional care of myself too. Wow! I’ll check the fertile female chapter of the imaginary work for some inspiration. I’ll also email Julia to add this topic to one of the (amazing) teleconference circles. Thanks to all for your words and inspirations. Love, x
I am checking in again as part of the assignment for the Visionary Mom circle. Today, my husband and I had so much fun harvesting some vegetables we had planted in the fall (we live in Southern California) We harvested broccoli, onions, and some potatoes. I enjoyed the simplicity and exhilaration of harvesting what we had planted several months ago and I also enjoyed discovering, after waiting several months, what had been growing beneath the surface. It also brought out the inner child with just the fun of playing in the dirt!! Afterwards an incredible meal was cooked that we shared with our neighbors. With all the focus on nutrition and eating well, I experience such joy in knowing that I am giving myself the best possible nutrition that is grown in my own backyard. The meal we ate was incredible satisfying as we had literally just harvested the vegetables, and it was doubly satisfying in that we were so intricately connected to the planting and nourishing of these vegetables.
Thank you Julia for this blog. Love to me is the essence of mankind. Without love, we have nothing. Without love, life does not exit. For in the beginning, there was love..My relationship with God – teaches me to love myself and to forgive my self for all the wrong I did or have perceived I’ve done in my life. Its interesting how you mentioned, we have feelings (junkie) of emotions all the time because I can relate to this creature. These overload of emotions have stirred my thoughts in such a negative way… i start thinking of the past and blame myself for all the wrongs ive done and this sense of worthlessness unfortunately gets born. But it doesn’t have to be this way!! We all have love in us… no matter who we are or where we’ve come from, we have love. In my journey with fertile-heart practice, it has taught me to understand that everything doesn’t always have to be so hard. I get to be who I am, and not want everyone else wants me to be. I feel and LOVE with all my heart that this OVUM practice brings forth a new life to everyone that embraces it. I know my baby is ready to be born within me and I know with all my heart and love i have to give this baby and the world, he/she will be born with a true heart of gold!
Happy Valentine’s Day! That is what I said to myself as I looked in the mirror first thing this morning.
I have never been much of a “believer” in this day, being far “too practical” in my mind to buy into the commercialism. However, stepping into the fertile heart way of thinking I am learning from Julia (books/intro series/Visionary Moms circles) and the simply amazing and brave community of Visionaries out there, I have come to realize I cannot be “too practical” to offer myself a little love and kindness on Valentine’s Day or any other day. Furthermore, I have come to learn that when we love ourselves with intention, the love we give and the love we receive and absorb from other generous loving souls is so much more potent! What an amazing gift!
I have placed a small red glass heart on by bathroom vanity to remind me each morning to offer myself some love and kind words to start the day. This is a much better way to start the day than looking in the mirror at 6AM and wondering if the wrinkle I see is new or if that is a new gray hair, etc… I have found that starting the day this way is profoundly impacting the space I have to live my truth all day long and is impacting the space I give others to simultaneously live their truth.
Thank you Julia and community for sharing your love and bravery over and over.
On the eve of Valentine’s Day I appreciated the blog and the opportunity to contemplate love. I am writing a comment as a member of Julia’s “Visionary Mother’s Group” in which we were encouraged to post about something we did this last week that was purely for the sake of pleasure. I thought about several things: a bath with aromatherapy, scented soaps, and candles, or some time I spent cooking a meal of beans and brown rice with onions, garlic, cumin, and tomato paste. I though of the enjoyment I got from the meal as well as the joy of seeing my husband’s enjoyment. However what comes to the forefront of my mind is a vigorous walk I went on. The sun was shining and it was just a beautiful day. I really challenged myself on this walk and felt a little silly gasping for air and trying to make conversation after going up some stairs. It was the feeling afterwards, the exhilaration from movement, from being outside, and from the sheer physical nature of the activity that tops my list of pleasurable activities this week.
What a wonderful blog to remind us of what is truly important in our journey. When I think of love, the words that come to mind are pure, raw, amazing and a sense of understanding and compassion. You can’t force love, it just is but you must nurture it. Your blog really reminded me just how important it is to take a step back and make sure our actions are displaying the pure emotions we feel. Life is so busy as we all struggle to keep up with the endless list of to-do’s and demands of our work and everyday life. It’s easy to fall into the trap and I can see when it happens to my husband and I – we get cranky. What we really are in need of, we as human beings crave it – is consistent pure, raw and tender loving moments that remind us of the love and companionship we share. I believe, love is like a delicate flower that requires water and sun to thrive. In the case of love, it requires us to nurture it and engage with it, whether we are loving another or ourselves. To me it’s showing the other how important they are, not just telling them but showing them. It’s reminding each other of the little things you love about each other, reminiscing on the wonderful memories and laughter you have had together, it’s being able to be yourself with each other, sharing your not only your dreams and hopes for the future, but also to let out your fears. Love is beautiful. Life is fueled by love and without it, what a world it would be.
Thank you Julia for this blog which made me pause and think about LOVE. To Love means to be able to appreciate someone just the way they are. I have an orphan that is very judgmental and needs love herself. I have to work on loving myself more just the way I am without criticizing and blaming myself.
Dear Julia, you challenged us on the FH circle this week to do something deliciously pleasant. So here is mine – I allowed myself to deviate from “perfection” and to enjoy it a lot. I took a lunch break of 1.5 hrs and went out with a friend. In the middle of a busy workday! I have never ever allowed myself to do it. And not because I couldn’t (as long as I finish my job and stay longer that’s ok) but because I always thought it is a sign of weakness – in the end, super successful, organised people could get everything done in a brisk 8 hour work day and the deviation of a well organised agenda seemed like a failure to me. What a roller coaster of emotions this has caused – I felt exhilarated, grinning mischievously like a child, remorseful, self deprecating – all at once. I came back to the office expecting people to reprimand me (like my parents used to do when, as a kid, I would play outside past my bedtime)….but lo and behold – nobody had even noticed! In the end, we are our own harshest critics and loving and being kind to ourselves is the hardest thing to do.
Dearest Julia,
What a wonderful blog, so well written and so well timed. And I love the reminder that LOVE is a verb and action is so important. Actions speak far louder than words most often and that’s true for my interactions with others, but I’m realizing now, also my actions toward myself. Love to me is being taken care of, being supported, encouraged, lifted up when low and lifted up to shine brightly when high. Love is unyielding and a constant flow of energy. Love is when you share your strengths with others, but also your weaknesses. Love is cherishing the good and the bad. Love is acceptance and growth. I absolutely need to continue to work on loving myself as much as I love others and maybe, just maybe even a little more. Thank you Julia.
I feel loved when I am listened to, understood and treasured. And I can’t help but immediately feel loved when I am ‘mothered’, for in there is an unconditional acceptance. Thank you gutsymama for sharing your learning about ‘mothering’. It really resonates with me. Your questions strike me as prescriptive Julia, and I appreciate the encouragement to think about what makes me feel loved. It is another medicinal tincture to add to my soup in terms of I how I treat and care for my whole self (and others), and particularly the rejected parts of me.
Like others who have written here, I also am surprised to identify that tricky little orphan aspiring to be a saint. I did not recognize her to be an orphan until now! An important character to bring into the fold, as I too have grown up with a fairly black/white, good/bad orientation to performance and judgment of self and others. This simplicity leaves out so much of our collective humanity, and so much of me. It becomes very obvious that it is hard to love in the verb sense if only the acceptable parts are welcomed. I am so thankful to be learning how to use your tools for becoming more loving and sharing in this courageous and tenacious community.
This is a very timely post for me too! I’ve been thinking a lot about love and I’ve been feeling a lot of things.
There are so many ideas here that resonated with me. First, being a feeling junkie. I have an orphan obsessed with being happy, an orphan who feels guilty every time I feel sad or angry. Thanks to this practice I am learning to value every feeling, to even be grateful for those I would label as negative, because each feeling is a message and a gift for me, an orphan calling for love and attention, the more intense the voice, the better the chance I have to transform it, to let this orphan grow.
Recently I discovered an orphan but I couldn’t name it until I recognized it in Julia’s post, the orphan that aspires to be a saint. I measure my value and other people’s value as a good or bad person. That is so general and many times unfair. As with feelings it is not as black and white. In my family, we were taught to sacrifice for others, to think of others well being all the time, to be “nice,” many times forgetting about our own needs. My husband is not like that, he will do good deeds for others as long as it is within his comfort zone and many times he’ll always think about his well being first. My orphan resents this apparently selfish behavior when, as Julia once told me, taking good care of yourself and asking for what you want is the kindest thing you can do for others.
About love, this has been a huge subject for me. Ever since my baby arrived I’ve had so many strong feelings, pure love and joy, but also my fear orphans are stronger than ever. Yesterday I got an email from Julia inviting us to join the visionary circle. Then, I was reading a book about parenting that mentioned how to take good care of your baby you need to also take good care of yourself. I’m on it!
Being accepted as I am is how I really feel loved, by being listened to and by being respected and valued. I will think more about it. I really want my baby to feel loved and to be a loving person himself. So this is a very important task. Thank you so much Julia for reminding us about this.
My definition of love is being treated with great care, being really listened to. On being there for me on the difficult days as well as on the bright and easy ones. It is seeing me for all I am and really knowing me, paying attention to me. And it is also having the courage to be honest: to lovingly call me up when I do something that isn’t so wise and is hurtful or unsupportive towards myself or to the other person. That isn’t always easy to do and sometimes it’s easier to stay in the nice, innocuous place where we keep our mouths shut and pretend everything is fine (or, conversely, go into aggression and thoughtless/hurtful words). But in a really loving relationship I think the capacity to be very honest and to not always agree is vital.
I think I’m a pretty loving and warm person by nature. But it is interesting to see how quickly I close down when I feel I am not cared for/not listened to. Sometimes this lasts minutes -for example, my husband did something last night that upset me a bit. But luckily I was able to express my upset (in a non-aggressive way) and he apologised immediately and the barriers I’d put up dissolved almost instantly. I find that it can be harder to be honest with friends though, and as a result I find I’ve closed down to a couple of people who I have found pretty unsupportive the last few years, and who are more what I’d call ‘fairweather friends – delightful and charming when we can have fun together, but not really there when things get a bit sticky.
Julia it is so crazy how the ultimate mom works. I decided to re-read “Birthing Adam- A story of Birth, Re-Birth and Everyday Magic. I just love this book and I love how the author almost does her own inner work with her child leading her. Ironically (or not!) I just read the chapter how she was sick as a dog in her first trimester with Adam and how these 2 women stopped to help her with stopping with some food and apricot nectar. She said in the chapter how the word MOTHER is more powerful as a verb than a noun. “mothering has little to do with biological – there are women who bear and raise children without ever mothering them and there are mothers all there lives without giving birth”.
It was such a serendipitous day reading this and then hearing the adoption call tonight and the wonderful fertile heart alum who walked that path. I so appreciate her time coming and speaking about it.
I dont know if adoption is the path for me and my husband and if this our path. The thing is it doesnt seem as scary as it did before. I again would like to continue to use my tools and walk towards the choices that come from my visionary. Maybe this will be a burning question I have for next weeks call – but i do want to be a mom no matter what. My husband and I both had a baby dream (the same night!) last weekend. Me dreaming I was holding another womans baby and the baby refused to go to her mother because she wanted me to hold her and have our hearts facing each other. My husband had a dream we were in the hospital room after we had a baby girl. I was resting in the bed and he was trying to help the other nurse and others in the room if the baby had a diaper that needed changed.
I believe my husband and I are wonderful parents and our child is still walking towards us. I am trusting the path.
Beautiful blog Julia !
For me the definition of love is to accept me with my all imperfections and this is very well applicable when its between me and my body child too. This is something that I learned only after getting enrolled in the Fertileheart schoolhouse. Else my definition of love was more demanding and wasn’t lovely :)
I could instantly connect with “wanting to being happy” all the time and as Brave caterpillar mentioned, I used to feel guilty if I felt sad or desperate.
I am forever indebted to fertile heart tools as Julia rightly mentioned, every imagery, every body truth exercise allowed me to engage with myself and my body child like never before.
Your timing is as always, perfect. I think my definition of loved is being listened to and cherished, as if I am something precious. Being treated with compassion and sensitivity. It would be nice to be told things people appreciate about me. As I write this, it occurs that my body child would like this too. If I only heard complaints, angry messages and disappointments, I would become disheartened too. I can only imagine how my body child internalizes this. I think this is the opposite of love. I need to work on loving myself.