Whenever I ask someone, “What is the opposite of pleasure?” the most frequent response is:
Pain,
The opposite of pleasure is pain.
This blog post is about offering an alternate answer to that question.
A young woman I never met, we’ll call her Cynthia, emailed me the day after the free Fertile Couplehood Teleconference I led recently.
Dear Julia,
“I have never seen my husband as angry as he was after the couple’s call,” said the first line of Cynthia’s note.
Oh, no, I thought.
But then came, “Thank you for that.”
It turned out Cynthia’s husband Garry, has been numb and pretty much unavailable for any real dialogue for months. 
After the call, he was angry because although I never met him or Cynthia, and this was their very first taste of the Fertile Heart OVUM practice, somehow, much of what I said touched a nerve for Garry.
It was truth he has managed to avoid facing for a very long time.
“He was venting for a good half hour, and then he stopped and he looked at me and said. ‘Should we adopt him?’
‘Who?
‘The three year old. Didn’t Julia say I have a three year old in my 250lb body?’
“We had a rather lovely evening after that “ wrote Cynthia.
Anger, like any other inconvenient response of the parentless toddlers in us, can be a liberator, but only if we can stand by and follow the thread of emotion to its true source. That takes guts and a loving witness.
Sounds like Garry got both. Lucky for him!
The opposite of pleasure isn’t pain, the same way the opposite of anger is not tranquility. The opposite of whatever it is we’re experiencing at the moment, is always numbness. Numbness blocks the life-force from coming in. It makes us infertile.
Which is why I spent a good half hour today doing Body Truth. In the woods. What a treat that was.
Anything you’ve been avoiding to bring up with your significant Other, afraid it might evoke an inconvenient response? And if there is at the moment no significan Other, anything you’re avoiding to bring up with people whose support could make a difference for you?
Events Note: In response to the request I received after the Fertile Couplehood Teleconference, I will be offering the first ever 3 Session Introductory Teleconference Series on Sundays and will be WELCOMING COUPLES AS WELL AS INDIVIDUALS.
I read this blog more than once before. But when Julia asks you to read it after working with her in one of the teleconference sessions, for sure one can expect that something will happen. Today, it was not the exception. In the last European time teleconference, Julia challenged us to complete a phrase. I was stuck and couldn’t come up with anything. She lovingly guided me in an internal -and even fun- tour. And just to make it short, here I’m with a new deep understanding that the opposite of anything is numbness. This is so true! I have worked with numbness a lot..but clearly not enough.
My exercise was to post two things in these two weeks that gave me pleasure. Yesterday, after a long working day, I accepted a friend’s invitation to go to a jazz jam. No idea that I was going to enjoy it so much! My tiredness disappeared with the music. It was amazing. I left so full of joy! Today I went to a restorative yoga class that was really pleasurable. I think that now I want a bit more. I want to be in touch with the part of my self that look for sweetness, little and big pleasures in life.
Thanks, Julia, for your amazing work! What one can achieve with this work, it’s truly admirable. And it is always about conception.
Oh I like this thread!
My three loves for yesteday:
– I loved touching my Mom’s soft forearm and feeling the comfort of her presence
– I loved my quiet peaceful commute by boat on the Thames which feels like a blessing
– I loved the feeling of reconciliation with my brothers after years of tension
My three loves for today are:
– My boyfriend who told me that he loves me over breakfast
– My cat who is determined to get into my arms and warm me up
– The juicer I just got last week and which makes me feel like every juice gets me closer to my goal.
Thank you Julia!
You are wonderful
Here are my loves for yesterday:
* I love being blessed with friends who donate their older kids’ outgrown clothes to us. My kids are seriously so well dressed. ;-)
* I love bingewatching shows on Netflix.
* I love hot Ovaltine and fresh whipped cream.
And here they are for today:
* I love going on field trips with my kids.
* I love ankle boots.
* I love this new mineral eye shadow cream I got on sale.
(OK, I know Julia said not to offer commentary, but I had to say I felt so superficial doing this. It’s like I’m supposed to pick out these grand, meaningful life bits that are so angelic it’s impossible not to love them. But eyeshadow and whipped cream?? Then I realized that was my judgey orphan. So I tuned into the Visionary network and realized that it’s the little things in the world that build up a good life, so why not honor them?)
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Sending you all hugs and love.
So here is my list: yesterday, I loved my yoga class, I loved all of us going to the gym together as a family and I loved getting fresh fruits and vegetables at our local farmers market.
Today I love that we all got to see a movie together–first time ever for all of us at once. I love homemade soup. I love watching my son get excited about “Star Wars.”
I’m not sure how or if this helps my numbness and anxiety, but I do know that for the past two days, I have not felt panic. So that is making me feel more hopeful.
OK, Mamas. Julia issued me a challenge, and I accepted. For Lent, I’m going to do my best to give up incessantly feeding the fear/anger/panic/anxious orphans ALL THE DAMN TIME while starving any other Visionaries out there. I’m going to do my best to give up numbness for Lent. I’m going to start with the next five days. Baby steps, right?
So Julia challenged me to find three things I love each day and list them here. So here we go, feeding the gratitude dragon instead of the anxious one. My blessings today….
1. I love love LOVE my husband. Our anniversary is this month and I love him more today than the day we married so many years ago.
2. I love snuggling with my kids and watching cooking shows on TV.
3. I love making valentines for my kids’ parties in the morning and knowing I get to help out in class.
(and one more for good measure:) I love these four-ingredient peanut butter cookies (egg, carob, peanut butter, honey), even if my family thinks they are gross.
Ok, Mamas. Today I love Valentine’s Day parties, I love Netflix and I love that my husband cooks dinner every night even after working a full day (one–because he is awesome and two–because my cooking is atrocious. Ha!)
Hi Butterflyfaith,
I used to write 3 things that I am grateful for every day also. I need to get back to that. You’re doing great with your gratitude practice!
Hi Butterflyfaith! Thank you so much for your post. It has been so inspiring to me. I have started feeding the gratitude dragon since yesterday also, instead of flerting with the anxious one and being sunk into numbness. Here are my blessings for yesterday:
1. I love spending time with my only one daughter: supporting her in studying, cooking for her, reading her books
2. I love chating with my lovely husband while preparing dinner
3.I love relaxing with my husband on the sofa and watching movies
And I had an excelelnt dream today: I was cooking/baking different dishes for friends I had inivited at home. It was a big succcess, since all of them were nicecly cooked and looked delicious.
I’m wondering what does the ultimate mum wants to show me with this?
Blessings to all of you.
Good for you with the blessing count, BH! And I’m with you–don’t you just love sinking into the sofa and watching a good movie??
Thanks, Butterflyfaith for being there for me. I absolutely adore sinking in my sofa and watching a good movie and I’m not very much a TV person. It takes me far way, and for some time I forget my worries.
It’s been so important to me to have started expressing myself in this blog. It’s a time when I feel very isolated and betrayed from people I thought they were good friends. I’ve seen in them the other aspect of the coin that I didn’t like at all. Here are my blessings for yesterday:
1)I love supporting a colleague at work that she was attacked by senior academics, even if she is not the best person in the world; she has right though at this occassion. I love asking for equal treatment for all colleagues;
2) I love spending time with my lovely daughter & husband after a tensious day at work
3) I love reading a warm and kind message by an overseas colleague, after being dissapointed with colleagues at work!
Have a great day everyone! Much love.
3) I love
Dear Fertile Mamas,
Thank you so much for being here.
Warrior Beagle, Yay and congratulations on your pregnancy!! Heartsease what is harnessing is a good question! Heather, wow it would be good to really talk this one through with your husband. How many other children does he have? I know after all this time it is absolutely understandable that you would want another. Maybe don’t push yourselves into deciding – just put out all the feelings and challenges and be with it for a while. MiraculousLife, yay for identifying discontent orphans and wonderful to hear from you.
I have been doing Child’s Play and pregnancy body truth and Meeting your Child Halfway Fertile Heart imagery. I’m really looking hard at how I am using my time – I’m so driven to do what I ‘have to do” first and leave myself to last and mostly don’t get around to me.
Blessings to all
Thanks for the congratulations. Feel very blessed. So grateful. :)
Dear Julia,
Thank you for this blog – it arrived at a time when I have been trying to understand my husband’s reactions and his “ups and downs”. As you so very poignantly said on the Visionary Moms calls yesterday – I have an O who is a nag, who attacks my dearest person in my life. I have been feeling angry and annoyed, for example, at his inconsistencies with juicing and his once in a while outbursts of “I do not want another baby” conversations. I now realise that my nagging O and my controlling O have been very much on the steering wheel these days. Not that I even noticed this until you pointed it out on our call! Thank you! I think that the anger has often been replaced with the numbness you mention in your blog. It truly does not feel fertile at all – my whole body just sinks into itself after these Os have been raging. In fact, I have been hiding away from people and the world quite a lot these days – that is numbness I feel. Thank you so much for helping me find these two Os. I certainly do think that I have been avoiding to meet them, as they are rather embarrassing – I always swore to myself not to become a nagging wife.. and here I am…
Bringing up the ‘baby discussion’ with my husband is always something I dread, as I never quite know which way it will go. But I realise now that it does not matter which way it goes, as it is his truth and I need to respect that and embrace it, too. My heart suffers when I hear the words “I do not want another baby” but I realise that these feelings stem from his Os, too. So, it feels like a good time to start healing these Os, together. And I hope that we can overcome the numbness together. Maybe that it is wishful thinking, but here’s to hope!
Lots of love,
FearlessRose xx
Hi there. It’s funny, becuase I know I’ve been procrastinating to share this news here. And this blog really made me reflect on the fact that, to some degree, I’ve been making myself numb to try and cope with my fear orphans. And I thank Julia for writing this blog, as it’s the catalyst that is making me just brave enough to move past the numbness and share my happy news with the whole FH community and open myself up to feel the love.
So. I am 21 weeks and 2 days pregnant. With twins. A boy and girl. And we’re ecstatic. (I will post the “story” on the blogs shortly.) But the fear orphans have been intensely activated by every genetic and neural tube defect test, every ultrasound, every exam. And I’ve been doing my best to work through them. But it’s overwhelming. I’m very grateful that, so far, all of these tests have come back fine and all seems to be progressing normally.
I miss Julia and all of you and check in to read the blogs often. Hope you are all doing well and I will keep you posted as we head towards our June 19th due date.
Love to you all –
T
So glad to see you share this with our community,T.! Very very exciting to have not one, but two little hearts beating in your belly.
Give my love to the Fear Orphan. You may not remember this, but a while ago you told me (or wrote to me) that you liked “your thinking to be challenged,” so here I am with a little challenge again: Nothing IS overwhelming. The Orphan sees it and lives it that way…but you don’t have to, you have your Fertile Heart Toolkit. Sending all four of you lots of love!
Julia
Thank you Julia. For the love, support and the reminder about the difference between orphan perception and reality. You’re right. Need to be more mindful of that and remember that I have the tools to deal with it. Appreciate that. Very much.
Over the past few years I feel like I have asked for my spouse to try and make healthy changes. He has tried imagery a few times. He stated thanks for sharing but he did not feel connected. He has added vitamins and cut out some food choices, but I can honestly say I can not change him. I can only support him and offer suggestions that would be beneficial. Sometimes his orphans come out with the suggestions as if I am dogging him or being mean.
It is kind of interesting as today I was just talking about how much more I put into my relationships with everyone. I am the person who always reaches out but I often feel short changed. My orphan is expecting others to fill in for the low self image I have. Like I need someone to pick me up. I definitely need to sit with myself and find the v that is there. I can think of three things that are self driven that I enjoy!
Thank you!
Dear all,
Julia’s blog about couplehood reminds me of our visit to her workshop, when during an exercise we were walking toward each other with my husband, keeping eye contact until we met halfway through the room. It was a very powerful moment for me, who has a tendency to run away from him emotionally. A simple looking in each others eyes was the remedy for us. I sometimes remember this moment in Julia’s workshop and wonder how come it was so healing for us?
I’m not sure how to feel about the concept of numbness. To be honest, I feel like I have to put aside my feelings to get through my day sometimes. I’m not sure if numbness is the right term or if there is another way to express it. On Thursday, I saw ten pregnant women in my clinic as well as newborns. I helped deliver a baby yesterday. I have patients and even to an extent friends and family who need me to be functional and if I let my emotions take over, I am overwhelmed. When this journey first started, I felt so much sadness and rage that I actually had to call in sick a few times because I didn’t think I could do my work with such strong emotions. I feel like I am coping better now, but maybe I am just numb. Isn’t that self-preservation to an extent? Can anyone help me clarify this concept? How do I feel these difficult things and still make my way through each day?
Thank you for sharing this with us, S.. From what I have witnessed, you’re far from numb.
It would be great for us to explore this on the call and see how you can move from “coping” with what rises up for you when you see ten pregnant women to “harnessing” your response to them.
In the meanwhile, see if you could work with the “Palace of Truth” imagery on the Imagery 2 CD, following the directions, and changing it to “Palace of Support.” Also see if you can listen to Welcome Home Body Truth first without doing the movement and then either do the movement listening to that track or do it from memory.
Sending you lots of love an look forward to engaging about this on the next call.
Wow Sparxy, I’m in awe of your fortitude. Coping sounds like a real achievement, especially without numbing, in your amazing work. Let us know what harnessing looks like! …seriously; maybe I can learn from you!
You fertile mamas are incredible. Hx
Hi Sparxy,
We are on the same page in so many ways. I had many friends who had babies and I could not be around them. It physically hurt me to do so. I still feel a massive tension in my stomach every time I see a pregnant woman or a baby. I commend you for being able to do your job the way you do. I think you’re doing great. I, too, have trouble identifying the difference between self-preservation and numbness, giving in and giving up. Always have struggled with that. Hugs to you, my FH sister.
Sparxy, I can relate to this. Last fall after my second miscarriage I had zero energy left over for myself, let alone the mental energy required to feel happy and excited for my friends who were welcoming children and second children, and in some cases third children into their families. Avoiding this given your profession is a challenge, however, one thing that helped me start to heal this jealous, sad, and exhausted orphan was making the visionary rooted decision to avoid Facebook. I still use Messenger, and occasionally look at any messages, but I no longer scroll through my newsfeed looking at other people’s lives and in a most unhealthful way, comparing, judging, analyzing, etc. my life in comparison to others. I was filling my head with useless data and it was exhausting. Avoiding thinking about everyone else’s life (or whatever version of their life they chose to display online) freed me up to invite more joy into my own experience and make better use of my free time. My orphan finally said, thank you for giving me the break that I needed, I feel better now. Many hugs for finding a way to heal these orphans that works best for you.
That is a brilliant idea!! I have not really connected my increased use of Facebook with my increased anxiety and depression until now. Might be time to give up some Facebook for Lent, too. Thanks for the inspiration.
Oh Julia! What perfect timing!! I am either angry/panicked/afraid, or numb. Always. It’s exhausting. While numbness once protected me from life’s circumstances, it doesn’t serve a good purpose now. But I never looked at it as blocking fertility, although it makes perfect sense. I am empty. I feel like I’m on the cusp of another tragedy so I better just stay numb to protect myself from incoming fire.
What have I been avoiding bringing up? Nothing. That may be tr problem. I bring up everything with myself and my husband, over and over, even if it’s not a real issue but one born of fear. I get lost in the talk.
I have been doing Julia’s challenge. I did not do it Tuesday because that was a very rough and anxious day for me for too many reasons. It was horrid. I short-circuited. Wednesday I regrouped and started with “Cutting the Cord.” And not a shock–more mom issues popped up in that imagery. I continued making my way through Disc 2, even yesterday when my cycle arrived. I wasn’t counting but it felt like it was a long cycle. Turns out it was spot-on 27/28 days. My Visionary who reminds me I have gorgeous regular periods was promptly ignored by my fear/age/panic/anger orphans who told her to shut up. Maybe I nees to have an inconvenient conversation with them.
Today I am writing. Today I will try body truth more. I am praying I push aside the numbness long enough to dedicate this next month to really digging in instead of giving up (like my orphans so want to do!). I am just so worn out.
Hi Butterfly – it sometimes is so hard to keep going. But you are doing it. I remember I asked Julia once if every imagery and body truth should be super-meaningful and she said no. Sometimes what we do helps an orphan or visionary emerge and sometimes it doesn’t. But making a commitment makes this practice full of potential. I really identify with your feelings. The last few weeks I have felt almost futility, which I know is not life-giving at all. I’m thinking about you.
Giving up is different from surrendering, beautiful Mommy K.
It might be interesting for you to stop trying to do anything at all and just simply do it. For no other reason than doing it, because you said you would. Not pushing for results, experiences, or anything at all. Not even actually going through the movement sequences or even inviting the images. Just sitting quietly, dedicating the 10, minutes of your day to following through on something for its own sake.
Sending you a substantial hug!
This was something I needed to read today. Sometimes I think just sitting quietly opens me up. I am not trying to necessarily find a solution just a feeling, a sense, a drop in tension. Almost like clearing the sidewalk of snow to reveal the real picture below.
Sweet Julia, thank you! I so needed to hear this. I am a very results-oriented woman (shocking, right? ha ha) so it feels nearly impossible to just do something for the sake of doing it. It needs to have a bonafide purpose, a lesson attached, a reason. But I’m trying. I’m doing an imagery off of Disc 2 every night, and I’m just seeing what comes up. It is easier to do that by listening to the imageries like this because I am literally hearing some of them for the first time. So thank you for this challenge. I’m just feeling so blah. I feel dry and empty and used up. But I’m going to carve out a full 10 minutes every night to just sit and be, listen to my images and be quiet. I just need to get back that V who said “Fu** It–WHY NOT?” I miss her. I hate feeling so defeated and done and deceived. I just want some faith and peace.
Something I did discover that I thought was so interesting: I resist writing because I feel that at the end of the day, that is why I am going through all of this. It’s not to become a parent again, but it’s to hone my writing. And I know that should be a good thing. But right now, it feels like being happy with a sandwich when I really wanted a three-layer cake.
It’s just hard trying to keep focused when I’m so anxious. Life isn’t stopping in order for me to get my feet back under me, and that’s scary. Thank you all for listening and being there. I’m just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where it leads me.
Dear Butterflyfaith, all these sound so familiar to me. I can absolutely understand you. Anxiety makes me numb and very difficult to be focused on my practice and writing. Something that helps me also, since I’m a very religious person and I believe in God, is praying. I’m praying when I feel anxiety, even at nights when my sleep is not very good, and I follow Julia’s instructions about deep breath.
Sending you hugs.
Admiring your strength in regrouping and not giving up butterflyfaith x
Hi Butterfly, I’m also admiring your strength and congratulations for that. It was nice to read Julia’s comment about how to do the practice when you feel numb. I’ve been feeling numbness (very intensively) since my unsuccessful IVF last November (even if I was expecting it and was prepared for that). Since then I have stopped practicing and writing down my dreams, etc. I’ve been hardly doing my paid work and have also stopped being creative and feeling valued through my writing. I also feel far from my loved ones and very little patient with those that I could hardly bear in the past.
I will try to make it today the way Julia described it – just to listen for 10 minutes welcome home body truth and palace of support. The perfectionism orphan will have to just leave me alone today to listen to my imagery, even if I’m not doing it right, even if I don’t see anything. I’m determined to do it just now.
Much love to all of you.
Hi Sweet Pea Butterfly,
Here is a little something to experiment with:
Every day from now till the next call:
Complete 3 sentences right here in the comments section:
I love that… and I love that.,.. and I love that… and go out into your day, every day, every minute and look for something you can love and post on that blog comment.
Don’t post anything at all, unless you can really find something that you ABSOLUTELY LOVE.
And for the time being see if you can let go of doing anything else, except this.
I love you and if the O in you needs to vent about this or anything else, feel free to send me an email and let it rip.
You are also free to return and give the O’s full permission to whine, vent, grieve and do anything else they need to do, next week, after this experiment is over.
I got it that you are mourning your mom and I got it that you’re hurting. I’m hurting and rejoicing in equal measure, so believe me I got it.
But for now, if you want my guidance, this is it. This is your beautiful opportunity.
We’ve known each other for a while, so I hope you know that it’s not a “universal kind of love, I’m talking about when I say that I love you! Your level of humility and your desire to “move out of the orphanage” is so clear to me. Now, perhaps we all just need to adjust the flavor of our support for you a little.
Julia
Julia, your commitment to me and to all of us mamas never fails to astound me. Thank you SO much for this, for taking me under your wing and letting me know I am loved and on the right path. I appreciate that beyond words. It is a blessing to have you and this practice in my life. So you got it–I accept this challenge. I’m in awe at the way the world works sometimes. Today, I get this love note from you. And last night at church for Ash Wednesday we talked about giving things up for Lent and how one thing we can give up is numbness/indifference. Wow. As if that isn’t a message from God/UM/the universe that I need to follow this fork in the road, I don’t know what is. It’s almost magical how you know exactly what to say and when to say it.
Thank you, Julia. And I love you too! What would I–and all the mamas for that matter–do without you??
What a great and thought provoking blog. As usual Julia you have touched upon an area that can stay buried as women go on their journey to motherhood. We forge ahead making immense changes both emotionally and physically whilst in the background there are issues that need addressing. These issues can hold us back so much and I’m so glad this subject has been brought to attention.
Bringing my significant other on our journey has always been challenging. When trying for our second child he felt I was too extreme and at times challenged this. I forged ahead. The changes I made with mostly his support paid off. We have our beautiful second daughter. He knows it was worth it. There are no regrets. It was a short journey and know if it had have been longer I could not have sustained it with my approach.
On our present journey providing that extra support for our first daughter, the same relationship challenges are raising their heads. He again thinks I can be too extreme and blinkered in my approach. To date it had paid off. She has made significant progress. However, this pattern of me forging ahead with a no holds barred approach is not useful anymore. A balance needs to be created where both of us are fully invested. To that end I need to stop avoiding some difficult conversations with my husband so that we can evolve together and go along this journey in a more collaborative way. Thank you Julia for reminding me to unearth what is lurking beneath and to have difficult conversations. This can only lead to a more fulfilled relationship which will hopefully produce the goods that are needed to fully support our little one.
Love to you Julia and all the brave fertile mamas. xxxxxx
This blog, like your others Julia, always seems to have a uncanny sense of timing. My husband and I had to have an inconvenient conversation recently about next steps. As you know, we were surprised and thrilled to learn I had gotten pregnant naturally after starting the tissue donor process ( after my previous failed IVF and IUI’s years ago. My little one just turned 2 months old and my OB-GYN told me ( wait for it…) that I am really fertile right now ( whaaaa??? after years of being told the exact opposite, statistics and numbers trotted out at each appointment)and I should not try pregnant for at least 6 months to a year.
Then after a conversation about just surrendering to what is and seeing where the journey takes us, my husband admitted he was conflicted about having another child… mostly due to finances.
It was hard to hear and even more difficult to discuss. My first instinct was to avoid worrying about it but that never works.Part of me felt like panicked… I am 40 now blah blah blah I need to try even harder…part of me felt like I should be grateful to have my little guy and how dare I wish for more, you have been blessed enough what audacity, part of me felt guilty for even worrying about money, then my Debbie downer orphan popped up saying ” do you really think you can even get pregnant again…really… you know better than that…” I had orphans popping up like prairie dogs, there’s one, there’s another.
I started re-reading ( for the 100th time I think) the fertile female. I read one chapter every night and really sit with myself to process what and how I am feeling. Despite having read the book so many times I always find some new A-HA moment, a seed of knowledge to work with.I have been doing fork in the road and it has been incredibly helpful. I also see some tree of faith and surrender in my future as well. Avoiding and denial for me tend to be bosom buddies/co-orphans that I need to work with.
Numbness would be easier in the short term but useless in reality.
Dear Heather,
I love what your obgyn said about being really fertile right now and congrats on your little guy!! I also like what you said about surrender, it is not easy to find kernels of truth or seed of knowledge as you put it, but if we sit still, we are likely to find it.
My neighbor who has a two year old boy told me she was four months pregnant and my reaction was ‘Oh, nice. It isn’t showing.’ Later I wondered why was this my reaction and what it means for me and my desire to mother a child,
Here’s to Aha moments,
Eva
Heather,
So great to see you on the blog. All those orphans remind me of that crazy orphan in me who spelts off a thousand thoughts internally. She is panicked, fear stricken, sad! You have a great visionary mama present! She is there I hear her!
Hi Heather: Had to reach out regarding your popping-up orphans. I can so relate. It’s like Whack-A-Mole: hit one and another one pops right up. Maddening! Good to hear from you.
Wow. Julia, you always have a way of hitting that nerve that we all need you to hit for us!
Having “courageous conversations” with my husband is not easy. He rarely expresses his emotions and he wears that like a badge of honor. I feel like he’s afraid to feel, especially after our two miscarriages last year. I was crying all the time after the first one and he just wanted to move on and try again. I actually don’t feel numb. I feel angry. I am so angry at my husband that his response to this journey is so dramatically different from mine. I’m angry that I couldn’t get him to read Inconceivable that I had to make time to read it to him. I am angry that he is unwilling to change anything about his lifestyle, eating habits, etc. while I am totally reinventing myself on this journey. I am afraid of ending up like an “old married couple” who stays together out of convenience and history but no longer has anything in common, no longer shares the same hopes and dreams. The tough questions for us become…are we on the same page? What does the future hold for our marriage? How can we both move past this anger and grow our relationship? The baby journey is hard enough, why does “us” have to feel so hard? Ugh… I think this orphan is just peeking around the corner with one eyeball. She’s not totally ready to come out of hiding yet…
dear Lee,
To me it sounds familiar the fear of ‘are we on the same page?’ in a couple, but we are rarely on the same page. I wonder if we can talk about this on the call in more detail, to see what you meant by it when you wrote it.
Chopin, yes, I would be happy to discuss on the call. Last night I started working on field of creation imagery. The orphan that came up was raging. I actually cried during the imagery. Obviously something I needed to work on.
Often I feel like my husband and I are more like adversaries than partners. And not because we argue a lot, quite the opposite. Many things/feelings go unsaid to avoid conflict and arguing. This is my next challenge in the FH journey. Sounds like others maybe experiencing the same thing?
Dear Wonderful Visionary Moms
Thank you so much for being here..
marymary – Numbness – good insights on that. I’m sorry you had such a challenging miscarriage.
gutsymama – I like the idea of having your husband in the playground imagery and what a wonderful dream.
I have been doing Child’s Play Fertile Heart body truth and pregnant body truth and Palace of Truth Fertile Heart imagery (Imagery II ) modified to Palace of Space. When thinking about relationships – with my husband I would have to say that it has improved greatly since my husband started to have job challenges (kind of working themselves out now). He has been connecting with me way more emotionally. When we were first married there wasn’t much expression of emotion on his part and he had high blood pressure. Then for a while my mother-in-law was so money oriented when it came to children that it seemed like in her opinion you had to be a millionaire in order to have kids – that didn’t go well with me – we worked through that. I certainly didn’t want my husband’s job situation to be very challenging, but I have to say it’s been kind of a blessing. I just like my relationship with him way better.
Blessings to all.
Beautiful blog! Brought so many memories back. This was the very first question Julia asked me during my very first intensive ph session back in July 2012. That was the first time it came to light that actually I was numb to many feelings, i was just stuffing them up from a very long time, I was not allowing children to get near me, i didnt want any kind of feelings to be aroused, be it anger/love/compassion…you name it. It was my way to put up a brave face in front of the world.
I would like to really congratulate Garry…….he hit a priceless jackpot for sure !!
Through this practice one thing that I can claim is that once the orphan comes out of hiding, then it feels like we won half the battle :). It just brings so much relief and I always felt like someone was lifting my burden…lol
Thank you BH, GM, Tracy for your candid thoughts on your avoidance to talk about what next. That finally triggered the reactions in me and made me kneel down and allowed my heart to open up as it couldn’t take the burden anymore. The orphan was lingering at the back of my mind for a very long time, but I was avoiding to face it and was not spending time nor allowing to open my heart to know what it was about and it just felt like a mystery to me. I was able to do some good work yesterday. I met my long standing whiny baby – the discontent orphan, which raised its head whenever some expectation of mine was not met (one of the main things is i went donor route), as I have a view of how everything needs to work and this started really bothering me now a days.
But after I started working on it, what I realized is this orphan was always with me from the time I knew myself, not sure how I started pampering it so much and I see it everywhere, work life, personal life.
Thanks to the awareness I have due to FH practice, I am no longer numb and moreover I am able to sense all my feelings in such a detailed manner that if something is bothering, then at least I have tools to work with and all I need is to get my butt out of my comfort seat and start doing some real work.
I really don’t want this trait of mine to impact my baby. One thing that I want to really work on to ensure I don’t pass it on to the next generation
Well said ML, I think ” numb” is the word I have been looking for to describe that part of my journey. I was afraid to feel hopeful or sad so I went numb to protect myself from feeling/being hurt. It takes so much courage to allow ourselves to open up.
Thank you, Julia for your work in reminding us of how vital it is to feel, rather than to be numb. I, like so many of us, have been brought up in an environment where feelings – at least the so called negative ones like anger, fear, jealousy – are deemed not such a good thing, and where so often we don’t even admit to people that we have them and just hide them under carpet. As a result I’ve often felt ashamed of feeling those ‘darker’ emotions. But this work has really helped me to hold them in a kind and loving awareness and to breathe into them (and this actually often leads to a release) and to accept that they are an absolutely normal part of the spectrum of being human. So thank you.
Powerful subject.
I am the master of avoidance. I can avoid conversations, facing fears, making scary doctors appointments, all of it.
One thing I have avoided talking to my husband about is, what if we can never conceive a child of our own? What if all there is is only adoption for us? What will that look like and more importantly how would he feel about it? Would he regret that he didn’t carry on his name, have a son or daughter of his own making and would it change his feelings for me? Would he resent me? Do I resent me? How would I feel? Its a terrifying thing to face. I feel like having that conversation is admitting defeat. I have never once believed I wouldn’t be able to have a child of my own and now it seems its a conversation we should have. Like I said terrifying
I really appreciate this blog as my fertile heart journey has been one where my husband and I are connecting more now. In the beginning of the fertility roller coaster I felt very alone and he was not participating much. He did come to a workshop for me but he really was doing it “for me”. However as I share more and more with him he is now sharing more and more with me. pretty spontaneously too not just me asking him to share.
I have been avoiding a conversation of “what do we do if we can not concieve our own child?” And honestly we have touched on that a little. part of me does not want to discuss it either as I feel we are still able to conceive. Not sure when to discuss this more fully but I hesitate myself.
For this week I am thinking of doing playground for my imagery. Maybe seeing my husband with my in my imagery as well?
Also I had a wonderful dream last night after our teleconference I want to share: last night in my dream this time a man was showing me a model of my uterus. He showed me the inside and he said “see look he is in there in feb or march” and not to worry. Then I saw the inside of my uterus and there was a small fetus growing. I felt joy and awe. This morning I woke up and felt the same feelings. I woke my husband up and told him the dream as well.
What a well written article, Julia. It hits the spot. I’m experiencing numbness almost all my life, when I need to decide about things or actually do things that will bring something new/a new order of things/ in my life. I used to call this ‘hibernation’, but I think ‘numbness’ is THE WORD since thinking is taking place but not action. A good question to work out over the next days.
Much love to you.
Thank you very much for this post.
An awareness is growing in me that this fertility journey, this longing for a baby has started my emotional life. And an emotional life with my husband. I didn’t realize how numb I was and how deadening that was. I realize now through “baby steps”, I get to live a life full of feelings, a whole range of life force energies.
This may sound strange however the last miscarriage I had was with birthing a 5-month old fetus that my husband and I knew would not be able to survive outside the womb, was an awakening experience. I, nor my husband, were not numb at that time. We got angry, confused, sobbed, and wailed. We were shocked and saddened. We let it pour. Yet at the same time we were so alive. Ever since then, we have never been the same. Thank God!
Yes, “Numbness blocks the life-force from coming in. It makes us infertile.” I believe that numbness dampens creativity whether it’s a baby, or anything else we are longing to birth.
Blessings to Cynthia and Garry for the start of liberations!
How lucky that Garry got it so quickly! I still struggle to get it more often than not.
I had been avoiding the conversation about next steps with my husband. I expected that if I brought it up he would give me an answer I wasn’t ready to hear. Last night I worked up the courage to broach the subject. Surprisingly enough his answer was what I needed to hear. The best part was that it was genuine. It makes me a bit sad that there was so much energy wasted on avoidance and what if thinking.
Monday’s call really motivated me to dig into the work. If it is ok, I’d like to do Suzanne P’s assignment. I listened. Thank you.
I listened yesterday and today. Thank you.
I’ve listened every day . . . the 8th, 9th and today.
I thank you for letting us know!
I’m still listening each day. It is the small break I take and look forward to each day during work (7 days/week this time of year ;-)). Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate you Julia!
I appreciate you too, M.it’s a beautiful journey you’re on.