Infertility can certainly FEEL like a CRUEL punishment. The Orphans in us can come up with 10,00 reasons to see it as such. And if that is the truth you want to live, you’ll find masses of supporters to march to that tune with you. But wouldn’t it make more sense to do a little reality check? Wouldn’t make a whole lot more sense to TURN IT into the KINDEST of all wake up calls?
Not by silencing the Orphans. We do need to hear both sides of the story. We want to see and hear them loud and clear so that we can give them for once the love and attention they’re starving for.
What has the Orphan in you been up to lately? What does she say and which Fertile Heart Remedy have you reached for to soothe her pain, help her grow into the Visionary Mama she longs to be?
Hi Julia,
have been following this blog, i wanted to mention a dream that i had last week and can’t get out of my head. I dreamed that i was playing hockey and the ball was flying to the right and the left and over my head and i couldn’t move, or move very slowly, as if my legs were like a lead weight (i can even feel this sensation coming over me as i write this). I couldn’t move my arms to lift the stick….i was behind my player all the time. I woke up but only remember this part of dream. If you were to ask me what the strongest feeling was in the dream – i have thought of this and it is a feeling of being frozen. And a feeling of letting my team down. I used to play an awful lot of sport, and this was never the case.
This dream is in contrast to dreams around Jan/Feb where i was having pregnancy dreams. I was so optimistic then, but have been feeling jaded in the last while with my fertility journey. I listened to the imagery and bodytruth – the ‘Inside Job’ is one that i see as very relevant – i feel that i fear the responsibility of bringing a child into this world, but i cannot seem to get into this imagery as i have done with others. I am also doing the Wailing Wall BodyTruth, and also Healthy Lining Imagery – I dont have endometrious but was having a lot of pain in the first half of my cycle this month.
I would appreciate your guidance with this feeling of being frozen, my Ultimate Mum wants to defrost!
Su
(European Visionary Mum circle 15th May)
Sounds like a great dream to work with,look forward to it!
Dear Julia
The last teleconf helped me hugely. I have started back on my imagery with Meeting my child half way.
A couple of days after the teleconf we went to see a doctor about doing a very specific test with IVF, I think its called polar body in English. Talk about a kick in the stomach, the doctor said that due to my advanced age, I’m 41, there was no point doing this type of screening and that according to him there was no point doing IVF at all, unless with donor egg. He reckoned that I had mostly ‘old bad’ eggs left….evne though my FSH and Amh are still pretty ok.
Its been a while since we had such a talk with a doctor and it left me reeling. My orphan who says ‘I’m useless, this is just not possible for me’ iis here , as well as the orphan who feels omitted from a club, the club where members all have babies.
The imagery is helping me, helping me connect to the Katherine who feels that it is possible, but there are times ahen it is difficult , this orphan is very very strong.
Love to all
Dear Katherine of the Visionary Fertile Heart Sisterhood, you know what’s great about a “strong Orphan?” Every “strong Orphans” if you treat her right is a powerful Visionary in the making. That’s quite the “Infertility drug” your infertility specialists served up during that consultation. Now it’s time to ingest some potent antidotes. And it sounds like you’ve already begun the cure.
I’ve had quite the busy week fighting the Hopeless Hot Flash Orphan. This orphan has been screaming out for the last 4+ years that I’ll never get them to stop. No doctor has succeeded in stopping them, and nothing will ever make them go away. And if they don’t go away, I’ll never be able to ovulate properly and get pregnant. So why should I bother working on them through diet, imagery, and yoga, if nothing I’ve done, including HRT, works?
Until this weekend.
This weekend, I spent a lot of time talking about my hot flashes with my husband. I cried about them. I analyzed them. And then I remembered. When I stopped taking BC a few years ago, it took my body a long time to recover. My periods started off very light and long, and over the course of 2 years they became more normal. And the hot flashes, oh those dreaded hot flashes, how they made me suffer. But eventually, they stopped being so overwhelmingly awful, and became borderline awful. And then I started using HRT with the hopes to regulate my cycle (and my hot flashes, of course). And then the hot flashes got worse. And worse. I realized that the HRT wasn’t helping, and so I stopped taking it, and all I could think about was how awful my hot flashes were. Also, my cycles got longer during this time.
And this weekend it hit me. I haven’t been suffering through these awful hot flashes for 4+ years without any reprieve. They were really bad for about 2 years, and then slowly they got better, but then things got so.much.worse when I went on the HRT. And when I look back over the last year since going off the HRT, I realize that they are so much more bearable now than they were a year ago this time. I am now able to see the pattern — that my body takes its time recovering from hormonal stimulation, but that more importantly, my body can heal itself. I can now truly believe that by getting my body healthy and removing as many obstacles from the way for my endocrine system that my body will balance itself.
Julia, I didn’t really believe you when you asked me during the 3 teleconference series if I thought I was the only woman in the world whose body couldn’t heal itself. I really thought I was. But now I have such clarity that I am on the path to recovery. And now I can finally stop focusing on those hot flashes and can start REALLY wanting that baby.
Beautiful, RR! I love this “But now I have such clarity that I am on the path to recovery.” It sure sounds like it!
Few quotes from 76 Orphans and Ultimate mom chapter in The Fertile Female that really align with my thoughts at the moment are:
“There are countless stories I’ve witnessed that showed me the astounding power of the heart to sabotage or aid our efforts”
“Strengthening the ultimate mom instinct means learning to trust, which is very difficult.”
Oh, dear Madhu, actually that second quote you copied, “Strengthening the Ultimate Mom instinct…” is not what I wrote. But you know what’s beautiful? Miraculous in fact? You read your own version of this quote, not the one that was in The Fertile Female. Which is a lovely unearthing of a major Universal Orphan in us all. Life writes one book and we read it through either the lens of the Orphan or the Visionary or the UM. It’s on page 131. Take a look. It’s just a few words of difference but they change the meaning in an important way.
Hi Julia
I think the quote said “Strengthening the ultimate mom instinct means learning to trust THAT which is very difficult.” I missed that.But didn’t understand how I read it differently. I think they way I wrote came from orphan, which is saying its difficult.
No, dear Madhu, that’s not quite the quote. Take a look. Sometimes a small word can make all the difference. In the guidance we
see and consequently in our journeys. I look very much forward to playing the IBOW game with you on Monday…
with love,
Julia
Its such a devastating and hopeless feeling !! In several of my latest posts I have mentioned if I even have any longing for my child and was not able to feel that. But today after my AF arrived, I could feel a wave of extreme, excruciating pain. I just feel so helpless and hopeless. Will there ever be a day I can see myself with my own children? How many more years do I have to wait? If i log into facebook,I see my friends with their children and I a thought passes, “AH, if i were to be blessed with a normal life, my daughter/son would have been of this age”. This feeling is piercing my heart and I can feel most part of my self crying, sobbing.
Now on the other hand, another part of me is speaking up and saying “see you thought you have no longing anymore, glad I see you in this state, as it means you still have longing”. But I am tired of this hope and that’s why may be I am running away from longing :-(
There is a visionary voice too at this juncture, which is standing up for me and saying “don’t get disheartened, if not this month next month and you will get pregnant without a doubt. you believed and tried everyone, except ONE person and that’s you. Still you have not lost anything, be brave, go to this person as the last resort and do your best, I am sure you will be saved. Don’t give up, you haven’t sincerely ever tried you last option, its time wake up”. This voice is very persistent from morning. Its been a while, I have been in this mood, for some reason I feel extremely dull and at the same time feel good that i am back in the game. I haven’t made up my mind on what I plan to do next. But may be council of babies from fertile heart imagery, disc 3, as I need direction now.
Madhu
Dear Amazing Mama Madhu, I’m glad you’re back in the game! The human game, the fertility game, and the OVUM game. Here is my invitation:
Listen to the Body Truth CD and do Welcome Home and The Orphans but really take the time to do it as if these “remedies” were a tried
and true fertility drug you have full faith in. It’s quite all right if you don’t believe in them. Just fake it till you make it. The other thing I’m inviting you to do is keep a log of all the foods and supplements you’re taking for three days. You can keep the log right here or on the Visionary Mama thread for 5/13. As for imagery. how about Learning How to Ask from Fertile Heart Imagery 2, Disc 2? And sign up to work during the next Fertile Heart Visionary Mamas teleconference. And of course record your dreams and if you have a dream the night before the teleconference then email it to me. If not, email me any dream that comes three days after you have taken
these particular Fertile Heart remedies.
Sending Love and Faith in the wisdom that made the amazing you!
Julia
Thanks Julia !! I will do so.