FindingFaith is the username of one of our bravest Moms; a gifted writer who wrote that great Over Forty Trying to Conceive Lament on the Over Forty Trying to Conceive Forum. I also responded to you on the forum and this, is the rest of my response to you.
Dear FindingFaith,
Do you really want to find Faith?
Maybe for you, like for many of us, the search begins with listening for the call. The call of the Self. The Self which has been so patiently waiting to be found by us. The Self with an upper case S.
You might find her kneeling down, attending to the wounds of the injured child/soldier you left behind on the battle field of your childhood.
She, that injured child, is an eloquent writer, but right now she is using her precious gift to hurt herself with a stream of self-punishing words. As you know, here in Fertile Heart land we welcome all injured children to voice their truth. You did that brilliantly in your Forum post.
Who and what will heal us?
As you also know I’m a great believer in therapy. I spent many a “50 minutes” weeping on my therapist’s couch. So I don’t doubt that your therapist’s office is a healing sanctuary but at some point you have to walk out into the world the way Buddha walked out of the palace of his childhood. He walked out, saw for the first time the suffering all around him, and knew what he had to do.
You and I, we must walk out of the comfortable palaces of our lives over and over again and respond to the call of that upper case Self. Perhaps this painful trek toward a 3rd child is really a road leading to that Self.
I don’t know whether you can or can not have another baby, but I’m quite sure, especially after reading your lament, that it’s not the child that will heal you.
I am also in no position to define Faith, but I do know what it is for me because I, too, like you, have been seeking it more earnestly than I have sought anything else. I didn’t yet know her by name, but I’ve relied on my best friend Faith through decades of loneliness, meaningless jobs, and what I perceived as missed opportunities. In those years all I had was Faith. Looking back I could see how loyal we have been to each other. In all those years I didn’t give up on Her and She didn’t give up on me.
We don’t always recognize Her
Until one day She decided I was ready. That was the day the phone call came about my terrifiying FSH levels. I didn’t recognize those numbers 42/42 as the call of my upper case Self. The Self I had been searching for since the beginning of my arrival here on the earth-home.
I didn’t recognize the call but I did stick with my best friend Faith and let her lead the way. Here I am now, 23 years later with two astonishing daughters/teachers, a man so generous and kind I couldn’t have dreamed him up in my wildest dreams. And work that thrills and challenges me each day to keep feeding my Faith and that upper case Self.
Because finding Faith is not enough.
I have to keep getting to know Her; I need her help as I keep getting clearer about what it is that stops me as I birth my next creation, and my next unborn Self.
People like you, K, who engage, who hear, who are scared as I am, but dare to love each other anyway—that’s what keeps me walking with Faith on this “gay great happening illimitably earth.” (EECummings)
So the question of the week: What does having Faith mean to you?
Dearest Fertile Mamas
It has been a very strange few weeks. My husband’s Uncle Terence passed away and we are both very sad as we loved him very much. During this time I found out that our egg donor was not a suitable donor and my sister in law who, with my brother in law, are the only people who know that we are walking down to road to meet our child via egg donation, said that maybe Terence would send us our baby. It was such a lovely and comforting thought. My fertile heart work and this journey have taught me to believe in the incredible and the everyday. To remember that I am unique and that I am also just a speck in the universe. It is teaching me that I have something to offer and that being frustrated when things don’t go “my way” is not productive. I am learning to bow to what is without losing focus on who I am and why I am here. For me one of the hardest lessons is that it is OK for me to make mistakes. I have a quote on my cork board in the office saying that “Excellence over time is the best that you can achieve”. As someone who feels that I should have it all figured out and that I should be looking after everything for everyone else, I am learning to accept that I am allowed to make mistakes and that this does not make me unlovable or unworthy.
Faith for me means believing that it is all as it should be. I am learning to leave anxiety behind me and realise that it is a habit and addiction that I don’t need. Some days I am better than others and this journey is teaching me to believe. The other day I was at work and had this overwhelming urge to call our egg donation agency, just to see if there was anything that we could do, maybe personal advertising or something. Alison who runs the agency said that she had just said to her colleague that she thinks that she has found us the perfect donor. She was so surprised that I had called then as it had just happened. She is waiting for a final call before sending us the details but whatever the outcome – this is my faith in action and to me, proof that we are all connected.
I watch very little TV and one of the programmes that I watched was The Big C, largely because I really like Laura Linney. There was a scene in one of the series that I noted down as I thought that it was profound and I have on my office notice board (excuse the bad language). It is an exchange between Laura’s character and he friend who is dying of cancer and goes something like this –
Laura – Why can’t anything go the way it’s supposed to?
Laura’s friend – It did, just didn’t go the way you wanted to. You may be a brave bitch but you can’t control the universe, you’re the water, not the rock.
I love the idea of being the water and not the rock. The current Western approach seems to be as large a rock as possible and to position yourself so that you are visible to everyone. It feels like a fight much of the time and I really like the idea of being water, making my way without being cumbersome but still being powerful.
I feel very blessed to be surrounded by our community and oceans of faith and courage.
Take care and thank you. Love, Esther x
Hi Ester
I just wanted to wish you good luck in your journey !!
And thank you so much for posting some beautiful notes, which serve as a beautiful reminder.
I loved the quote from the show you stated and the concept of being the water, going through the flow and making its way out, being consistent and persistent in flowing with the course of life.
Faith and surrender are 2 beautiful themes that I am trying to embrace as much as possible in every frame of my life.
Dear Ester,
You are so solid, patient and infinitely lovable. You shall be someone we all look back on reminding ourselves of what is important.
I shall take away your reference of water and rock. I have recently felt very much the rock, and I appreciate it for its sense of reliability and trustworthiness. However, water is fluid and translucent, cleansing and nourishing, and immensely powerful. Perhaps I need to find a balance of the two.
I am thinking of you and you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
x
For me faith is believing something will happen not knowing whether or not it will happen. Faith is the sister of hope. It may be hard to describe, and someone wrote that it happens in the absence of proof – but I know it has shown in my life innumerable times. In fact, such proofs are very tangible, once we embrace the possibility of them being real and not dismiss it as impossible. I can list the facts of my husband recovery from cancer once again, his sperm recovery two months ago, despite his oncologist being very humble as he said: ‘I didn’t know I could bring you to this point.’ or ‘If the sperm come back, they should be fine, but the ‘if’ is a big one.’ Nick’s clean bill of health that the blood test and scan on Friday confirmed what we already suspected since he felt so good. My favorite word from the doctor’s report was ‘unremarkable’. Similarly, my proofs of faith are hard to notice, but they abound in my everyday life. As a foreigner, I always have to spell my name everywhere, and feel different, not accepted, misread. But yesterday on the subway, a little girl smiled at me, and when I asked her name she said ‘Eva’ – I said, I am Eva too. And felt so happy. Little things like that abound in reality if only we let them in. One of the other visionaries on this blog wrote about being open – this idea really resonates with me – being open so our voice sounds strong and we can hear ourselves, so that we know what we want – instead of being scared of our desires and drowning them in other people’s voices. As though the universe has been realigning along our desires – so that they can manifest – as our own contribution to the beauty of the world. I am in awe and grateful, and as we discussed in our previous circle, I felt my gratitude was hard to give to someone or something – I am grateful to our future children for the miracles that are already happening as they prepare to be born. We can’t wait!!!!
You guys. I can’t even. The love I feel from all of you is incredible. I actually FEEL it. Wow. I am so thankful and blessed for all of you, and I’m honored to call you my friends. All of your kind words and support and love and belief and FAITH mean so much to me. I will write more in the morning (I am asleep sitting up right now) and I will post on the forum, but I checked in on the blog and had to let you all know how much your words help. They really are giving me faith. Mom is doing OK. In the ICU, it really does feel like two steps forward, one step back. What looked like a heart prob yesterday was deemed a side effect of medicine (thank God!) and her kidneys are now behaving. If only her lungs would follow, we would be set. She’s still sedated and most likely will need a trach for continued ventilator support, so the stress level is off the charts. My usual response to stress and trauma is to turn inward and isolate, but this time I’m reaching out to you guys and our amazing circle of mamas. Love to you all!
The question is what is faith to me. To me is something that picks me up when I feel down. I feel I can recognize it in others who have it – faith in things unseen. I’m sorry Finding Faith21 that your mom has been having challenges. I am sending a prayer for her.) As someone who has lost both parents, I guess I could say continuing to stand after very difficult situations teaches me to know I can keep standing after other difficult situations. I never thought I could laugh again after my mom died, but I have laughed many times. I am still standing after challenges, but I want to not only stand but bloom, thrive, grow, enjoy, live, live, live. I read the post by Katherine71 who said she kept remembering taking the next most visionary step – not trying to plan and see all the way to the end. That sounded good. Also Julia saying (and of course that is what Julia said also about the next most visionary step) to do it as if you believed it would work. I also remember talking to my mom when she was dealing with cancer treatment and proposing (OK I read it)why would you continue treatment if you didn’t think in at least some tiny way it had a chance of working. So, FindingFaith21, why are you doing Fertile Heart work if you believe there is no chance of it succeeding for you? So we must assume there is a part of faith in you that believes it has some chance of making a difference for you or you wouldn’t be doing it. I guess we could call that faith! And by working, I do include that Fertile Heart has already worked for all of us – creating a new us, child or no.
Blessings to all
As usual, beautifully written Robin !!!
The points that really touched me and became my miracle cards are: ” I am still standing after challenges, but I want to not only stand but bloom, thrive, grow, enjoy, live, live, live.”
“I read the post by Katherine71 who said she kept remembering taking the next most visionary step – not trying to plan and see all the way to the end. ”
Excellent points.
OH – When I read your post last week for the first time, it didn’t make any difference as I was in pain and faith was remotely seen. Now that I am trying to get my grip onto it, your post feels so soothing. I exactly follow what you said, faith to me is not just this practice. I feel and get the grip back by reading religious books that I follow.
Couple of things really moved me in last couple of days. I was in a conversation where we were discussing about how heat wave claimed lives back in India. It was very sad moment. At that point, I just thought to myself, here I am leading a luxurious life and have no idea what difficulties people in the world are facing. By God’s grace there is no dearth of basic essentials – food, clothing, housing. I am saved from heat and cold. The smallest of the things that you don’t even think of because you already have them and folks are dying due to not having the same. Am I not a blessed one? Whether i had faith or not, the higher authority definitely has a plan for me. He/She always took care of me even without asking.
And now in this tricky situation, I am questioning FAITH and TRUST/BELIEF? Just felt a bitter guilty.
As I was doing “meeting my child halfway”, the obstacle I faced was I appeared lost, doubtful, I was stuck because I doubted the path, i doubted the very existence of the globe, I wasn’t sure where the heck I was and what the heck I was doing.
I just tried to empower myself with faith. Whether I know the path or I don’t, whether I understand my situation or not, let it be unexplainable, mysterious situation, I wanted to walk the path with faith for once and see how it feels like. There is still huge resistance. I do have 2 choices – be doubtful and question every darn thing and try to reason out everything and find the answer (ff21 – I was this way once upon a time, I wanted logical reasoning for everything) and hurt myself in this process OR
Follow the path of faith and walk confidently in spite of not knowing where it leads to, just believe and put my faith and move on.
So far its difficult, but its definitely better than being doubtful
You nailed it, Robin, the UM of our group. Why am I doing this if I don’t believe it will work? It’s not like I’m bored and need things to occupy my time. So a part of me must believe it will work, must believe there is hope. I suppose that is faith. You are so right. Damn! There’s my ah-ha moment of the day. Hugs to you!
Faith to me is keeping on doing something although one does not know whether or not it really will work. And I think I have just realised that I do have faith, as well as hope! all this while, I have been thinking I did not have faith and that my hope has been suppressed by my own inability to have faith. Dear Fertile Heart ladies, thank you so much for your posts – they have helped me so much!
Lovely Mamas: This blog is so touching to me for so many reasons. Julia, like I said in my note, I am so beyond touched by all of this. I’m honored and humbled and inspired and bowled over. To take such care and love and guidance, and spiral it toward me is one of the nicest things I’ve experienced in ages. And your note in response to my note! I want to cry all over again. You are such a lifeline for me. All of you mamas are. Seeing things through your eyes, I do feel like anything is possible, like healing and miracles and growth are all possible. It’s amazing. Julia, your words are like a cozy blanket I can wrap myself up in. I feel comforted and safe.
As for the question–what does having faith mean to me? Yikes. That’s a tricky one for me. Being a cradle Catholic, I have never really had to choose my religion. It just was. And I have always struggled with faith. I didn’t understand why God let sh** happen to me, or others. Even now, I struggle mightily with this faith question. It got worse after my dad died, and pretty much plummeted after my miscarriage. I always look for an answer, a why. (Hello, journalist blood!) Makes me a great reporter, but a crappy patient person with faith. All of this is to say I wish I had an answer. Because right now, I don’t know what faith means to me. I am afraid to believe in something, afraid to trust, afraid to not control everything. And yet, I’m exhausted. Handing over the reigns to someone else who has my best interest in mind would be lovely. Yet I don’t know how to do that. As Julia stated, my mom had a pretty serious health issue crop up out of the blue, thanks to the chemo. It’s been a hellish week. To say I don’t have any faith right now is an understatement. But just being here makes me feel a bit less manic, more hopeful, more at peace. I love you all to pieces!
FF – sorry to hear about your mom’s health concern. It’s often these difficult times when we don’t feel or can’t find our own faith that the faith of others is a great support. So I’m sending you MY faith for you to lean on. As per your inspiration, we have this wonderful blog to strengthen our faith and stand by our sisters.
Hi FF
I was reading a beautiful article and one specific sentence reminded me about you and I thought I should share it as we all might be benefited by reading it.
*** “Because if you think you’re just a ‘human’, you’ll tend to vibe with the fear, scarcity, self-loathing, worry, and competition of our culture. The ego’s up at 3 AM flooded with fear, believing “it” has to find the answers.”
==============================================================================================
I happened to come across an article on facebook in wakeupworld and one specific phrase caught my attention “Outrageous openness”, a book by Tosha Silver. I tried to find more info on this book and here are few beautiful phrases that really touched me and the current situation I am in or we are all in:
*** “I know without doubt that a Force of Love exists that can guide, help and interact with each of us in the most intimate and practical way no matter what the conditions. – If only we know how to invite It in.”
*** ” I saw that even though each situation was unique, the questions in most hearts were similar. “How do I stop worrying? How can I know that things will work out? How can I feel safe?” And often, “Why do I feel so alone?”
*** ” Divine Order says that the perfect solution to any problem is already selected if you allow yourself to be guided; Divine Source says there is a natural Universal Abundance that knows how to meet every need. Harmonizing with this Force of Love–call it the Shakti, God, Goddess, One Mind, whatever you will–is the golden key to everything. If a state of radical openness, acceptance, and attention is held.”
*** “Anyone can learn how to move with these Divine principles. Eventually the individual ego’s drive to ‘make things happen’ falls away, replaced with a relaxed, trusting openness to answers as they spontaneously arise. These tools are truly accessible to anyone, and grow markedly stronger with practice. Synchronicities and magic unfold with more and more frequency, strengthening one’s innate trust in the process.
One only needs to be willing to be…………Outrageously……Open.”
*** “What matters is what we choose to identify with. You can shift your thinking from that of a constricted human to the unlimited Divinity You actually are. Then, even though you have human limitations, you never forget your ultimate, true Self.
And everything changes.”
Just felt like sharing with all of you.
MH
I love this. Thank you!
“I am afraid to believe in something, afraid to trust, afraid to not control everything.” Beautiful FF. My friend, you have captured exactly how I feel. It’s exhausting. And I’m not quite sure how to navigate myself to the place you described, where someone else (God) takes the reins.
But what I do know is that…to me you represent faith. I don’t need to tell you how many beautiful supportive emails and posts you have sent me. Genuinely caring and believing in my journey and my ability to have a child. Asking me a million questions, not because you are trained to do so as a journalist, but because you really care and want to understand. It’s funny, because I think that a lot of us believe in each others’ missions more than we do our own. Now there’s something to think about. Go figure.
Anyway, just letting you know how much you mean to me and sending you love and Strength and prayers. Take care my dear.
FF21:
I’m so sorry to hear of your recent struggles with your mom. I know the feeling of when one something in our lives is already not going our way then placing something else on top often feels like the world is caving in on us. Yet I hear in your voice such a strong visionary mommy really emerging from the rubble of hopelessness and despair. I think you offer such amazing strength and support to others on our forum already, a true emerging visionary mommy. I think I have learned much from you.
As far as faith goes, being raised Catholic as ell I also relate to the bleak outlook and the “where the he** is God now at this moment.” I think that the idea of suffering and guilt is somewhat embedded into our faith tradition. Sometimes this can make us feel like it is our fault when things don’t go well or perhaps like we are being punished and somehow deserve our luck in some way. Perhaps the “Where are you God” moments are us feeling slightly guilty or not deserving. As I type this I’m reminded of the poem, “Footprints in the Sand.” Illustrating how God doesn’t leave us during difficult times but carries us. I guess its up to us to recognize this.
I have struggled with both finding Faith and really finding my true “Self” throughout this journey. Yet I have learned that this is a work in process a sometimes uphill journey towards growth. Yet as I was putting my 4 year old to bed tonight I explained that by praying to God we know that God will provide what we need even though if don’t get what we want right away. Its knowing that things will turn out ok in the end and to trust the journey. Much easier said than done.
As far as faith goes, being raised Catholic as well I also relate to the bleak outlook and the “where the he** is God now at this moment.” I think that the idea of suffering and guilt is somewhat embedded into our faith tradition. Sometimes this can make us feel like it is our fault when things don’t go well or perhaps like we are being punished and somehow deserve our luck in some way. Perhaps the “Where are you God” moments are us feeling slightly guilty or not deserving. As I type this I’m reminded of the poem, “Footprints in the Sand.” Illustrating how God doesn’t leave us during difficult times but carries us. I guess its up to us to recognize this.
Your question hits at my core. Often one of my most pondered things Faith, God, Free Will, God’s Plan. You know those PHD questions.
For me Faith means believing without truly seeing, continuing to take the next step in my healing/growth knowing I am not alone on a physical and transparent level. Strengthening my Faith not only by this practice, but also by prayer, the Bible, and others personal books.
On a side note I had this conversation with my spouse last night about my own Free will and the Lord’s plan in my life. I feel that I can go back through my life and see that I have not been alone. I was really pondering that this journey/my life has been part of a whole bigger purpose that I feel I am growing into!
Great Blog Julia and Great Post FF21!
Beautifully said, Openhearted! Thank you.
Is Faith contagious? Because I think yours just strengthened mine. :)
Yes your words articulated so much of what I was feeling. I also feel like looking back on this journey of life there is a bigger plan at play. I also feel that by aligning myself with this higher being or ultimate mom I am uncovering new gifts.
Cristy
OH, I love this.
Thank you for this beautiful note, dear FindingFaith, it’s a further reflection of your generous heart and the gift you have for expressing that generosity. I know that you’re going through a hard time right now. Shortly after you wrote this, Life has thrown you another curveball; another invitation to move even closer to our mutual friend Faith. So I also hope that seeing this note here in this public space, will remind you that healing is possible for you, and for your Mom and for all of us at every moment. One of many ways to move toward it, is to seek out people who will be there for us. People who will receive, acknowledge, hear and see us. Thank you for being such a person for me. I hope I’ll have the opportunity to continue to offer the same to you.
Sending you much love,
Julia
Here is your note:
Julia!!!
I love love love love the blog! I am so honored and humbled and inspired by it! Read it three times and teared up each time. I love you even more now! :) Once again, you magically know exactly how I am feeling and what I need to hear. You get me, you get us! I am so blessed to be a part of this community–and to know you. That question you posed is so important–what does having faith mean to you? It is such a deep question for me, and one that needs examining. It’s so complex!
Also, THANK YOU for tonight’s call. Wow!!!! I felt like a new woman after that. Seriously! You touched on exactly what I needed to hear. I feel totally invigorated and ready to stay out of “the dark side.” You won’t lose me there without a fight. ;) Thank you so much for spending such time with me. It really helped me turn a corner just when I needed it most. And the guidance you gave the other mamas also hit so much of what I needed tonight. It’s like what T. said: we got so much out of all of it. Very fertile ground–you were so right saying that!
So thank you for it all! I will comment more on the blog, but I just had to write you a note right away and let you know how much I liked it and how much it meant to me that you put such heart and thought into this, my struggle, this practice–all of it.
Xoxox,
K.
K., T., Julia, and Every Other Gorgeously Fertile Mom in the Fertile Heart Circle,
Yes K., T. really summed it up very well when she said we all get so much out of the calls. I really appreciate everyone sharing their story, because I feel it’s my story as well. The calls are so intimate and special, and so healing on many levels for me.
Thank you!
Joanne
Crying again!!! How much your words mean to me!
Julia – Just re reading your line re: faith:
“One of many ways to move toward it, is to seek out people who will be there for us. People who will receive, acknowledge, hear and see us.”
This hit home for me, as vulnerability (and not being a tough shit warrior) and connection are two of the things I have been continuing to work on. And a big part of that is the amazing women I’ve connected with here. Where I can be honest, without fear of judgment. And always feel empathy. It’s also opening up more to people in my personal life and letting them in. To my head and my heart (where they are trustworthy) and not running away and withdrawing.
And I never really thought of any of this in the context of growing and moving towards faith. Thank you for turning in the light bulb.
Its very very very difficult to find faith on a path where everything seems to be out of control, nothing seems to be in your favor, it feels like every other person is getting pregnant just like the blink of the eye and here we are doing every damn thing we can and yet not pregnant.
I had a tough day in my office where I happened to sit just outside a big circle (I gave my spot to someone as I finished my lunch) during lunch and lo and behold 4 of the 10 women in that circle were pregnant and were discussing how it happened accidentally, hoping they will have a girl as one already has a boy….blah blah blah !!
Sitting just outside that circle,I felt so out of place and in my mind I was thinking even in that physical reality I was outside the circle and everyone in the circle either have kids or are pregnant…….It just made me feel low, sad, jealous that why me, why am I the only odd man out in this group, I felt like a neglected child of the GOD. How can he be so cruel to me?
Came back did “welcome home” body truth and could feel how abandoned and neglected I felt. As I did “Council of babies” imagery, I saw my beautiful nephew tightly holding me, hugging me and asking me to not loose hope and that GOD kept me out of that circle for a reason, which I am might not understand and not to loose faith in him and in myself as everything happens for a reason and we may or may not get it and not to judge the situation or myself.
Yes things might seem out of whack, I might find myself in complete darkness, it feels like never ending journey, but I am choosing to tightly hold on to the path of faith and take baby steps and move forward, no matter how hazy it is, no matter how gloomy, foggy it is. I just want to believe I will make it to that circle one day no matter what.
Between Heather – Glad to hear from you. Hope all is going well with you :)
FF21 – Thanks for your post due to which we happened to see this beautiful blog
MH:
You articulate exactly how I feel at times. I can really hear the Orphan yelling “neglected child of God.” I too have heard that same Orphan in my corner while everyone around is pregnant with their third and fourth children without even trying. I also hear a strong visionary mama walking with her dear friend Faith taking baby steps and rooting herself in the work.
Lots of hugs to you,
Cristy
Thank you Cristy !!
Keep the faith my friend, MH. It seems as though you’ve been struggling with that lately and I know exactly how you feel. Keep in mind all the powerful work you have done not only in birthing a new you, but being a midwife to all of us in the FH community! I truly have faith in you as a leader of how to do this work and find our next guidepost.
MH- you said this so beautifully. I know how to feel. I love your imagery too! Keep walking my friend. We are here with you
Thank you so much my dearest FH Sisters – Lori & Katy !!
Its one of those days where no matter what the inner voice says, my orphan just keeps feeling neglected & loosing faith. Just allowing her to rant as much as she wants. Looking forward for the long weekend to rejuvenate.
MiracleHope,
I too know how frustrating it is to be surrounded by pregnant women and to continue to ask that seemingly simple question “When will it be me?” But as we know, this question is far from being simple! We have been given a special assignment. We didn’t ask for it, but it truly is a gift.
I admire your courage to acknowledge your feelings and help heal with the fertile heart tools.
We’re all walking with you, right by your side. :)
Joanne
Thank you for your kind support Joanne, truly appreciate it !!
Sweet MH, I know what you mean. I shot daggers at a woman today because she was pregnant with her third. I mean, really?? Why can’t the universe give the babies to those who really want them? My faith is a struggle, too, so know you are not alone. We are all in this together, my sister.
Thank you FF !!
I walk by Faith alone, it’s the only thing that’s kept me going these last three years. Over 40 and praying my husband’s vasectomy reversal was a success 3 years ago, have both been negative/positive factors. If God wants it to happen, He will make it so. I have faith because we have been through so much in the last 3 years, and have been Divinely guided every step of the way. Hard lessons along the way, but lately more positive changes have occurred. Faith is my rock.
Patty, sounds like you have very strong faith and I admire that.
This is a good question. One definition says ” hope for something that we cannot yet see; belief in something despite the absence of proof” On this journey, I cannot see my child, I cannot see my husband. So I practice faith or belief that out of my self care I will eventually see them, in whatever form they take.
I may not be able to physically see them, but I CAN and DO see myself. Belief in my new self that has been born over the past year – belief that I know my orphans and give them way more attention than I ever have before. Belief that I listen to my V and let my UM mother me with compassion to birth the next Lori that is coming along.
I think relying on faith ( as you said Julia during times of loneliness and meaningless jobs) is relying on or believing in yourself. That you have what it takes to do the work to birth your truest self.
Lori, I loved what you said, ” relying on faith is relying on yourself or believing in yourself”. That I think is the hardest thing to do. It is much easier to have faith in/for someone else than for yourself. The hardest work, as you said, is working on birthing your true self. Well said my lovely friend.
For me, Faith right now is knowing that exactly where I am is where I’m supposed to be. It’s also seeing that I’m ok at this moment even though I am here because I didn’t get what I wanted in the time frame I wanted, and I might never get my desires. It has been made clear to me that Joe and I are only half of the co-creators and the teacher of Life has clearly demonstrated that we don’t control timing or results. What I am getting is this magical exploration that could have only occurred in this way, a deeper knowing of myself and a deeper love for myself and others. And Faith has helped me to arrive to where I am right now. I’m going to bring in Faith’s friend Trust and keeping walking down this path. I’m not sure if there is any other way…
I loved your comment about bringing in trust and your statement about experiencing a magical exploration on this journey. It is true that this journey is much deeper than I could have anticipated and I have gotten to know a part of myself I otherwise never would have met.
Yes! I like that about “seeing another part of myself that I otherwise never would have met” And, I’m so happy I met her. And, I bet a lot of people feel that way; that they are happy they met this side of me (and I’m sure it’s true for you too Heather)