I get to celebrate the New Year twice a year.
This past week we entered the year 5782 on the Jewish calendar and in this beautiful wisdom tradition I was born into, during the next few days we prepare for the Day of Atonement. More accurately, the Day of Forgiveness.
We focus on starting over. We ask to be forgiven. We inch toward forgiving ourselves and each other, in order to step into the coming year without the stifling weight of guilt.
Forgiveness is a rich topic, I’ll just share one aspect of forgiveness, which can free up a lot of energy. Energy that might otherwise remain trapped and wreak havoc on a physical, emotional and spiritual level.
When most of us speak about guilt, we usually focus on the importance of asking to be pardoned for missing the mark.
It’s certainly freeing to acknowledge our errors and receive the “no longer guilty” verdict.
But letting go of enmity is particularly liberating for the one granting forgiveness.
To forgive someone who had hurt us, I mean to really forgive from a place of genuine compassion for that person’s emotional frailty, can indeed be fertility boosting in the deepest sense of the word.
The one thing to watch out for, is the temptation to assume the “I forgive” posture from a sense of obligation. That kind of forced shortcut toward reconciliation can cause more harm than good.
To free ourselves from the constrictions of enmity I find it more helpful to move toward a truce one truthful step at a time. To start by listening carefully to all the injured voices within me and offer them the sustenance they need, as I grow into a more benevolent adult.
If I can do that, then one small step in the direction of forgiveness, even when I take that step only in the privacy of my own heart, can be a giant liberator.
The healing we receive from granting forgiveness is, of course, just as powerful when we are granting forgiveness to ourselves.
Your turn: What would it feel like to ask for forgiveness? What would it feel like to be forgiven? What would it feel like to forgive?
Above all, what would it feel like to forgive ourselves for the times we might have missed the mark?
And I better not forget to say: if I have done anything to hurt you this year, I most sincerely and humbly apologize!!
Dear Julia and FH Parents.
I loved reading this blog and comments. I rejoiced in the synchronicity of the blog being posted and me working with the ‘Grand Hall of Forgiveness’ imagery in the same week. Doing this imagery with my partner and myself helped me – kind of like the canopy of compassion that we do with two people. I agree with everyone who mentioned here that it is the hardest to forgive oneself. But once we accept that it is okay to make mistakes, it helps to ease the pressure. I am learning that admitting not knowing something, or not knowing something well, also helps me, as well as reaching out for help, rather than trying to do it myself.
I have realized over time – that I tend to hold something against my partner if he hasn’t asked for forgiveness. But then it makes me stuck while I keep waiting. I am learning to forgive in the privacy of my heart and let go of the hurt. After all, he is human too, and so am I.
I love how you express in the blog Julia that forgiveness should not be from a sense of obligation. I think forgiveness can be a humbling experience that teaches us how vulnerable each of us is. And it is okay to be so.
Look forward to connecting tomorrow!
Love.
xxxxxx
I’ve read this blog for a second time before it really struck me how much energy I have lost being angry, feeling guilty and blaming my sibling. I’ve felt guilty for not knowing or predicting that my mum’s brain tumour was spreading to her brainstem even though her previous brainscan was stable. I’ve felt guilty for not taking more care of her, even though I left my job which allowed me to spend plenty of time with her at hospital and nurse her at home in her final 3 weeks. I feel guilty for shouting at my sister and brother in law for not helping or visiting my mum, and not appreciating or understanding my efforts.
It is only as I lay all my human limitations aside and try to forgive myself, that I can really acknowledge the vibration of love I felt in my heart for my mum in those final days, and the peaceful home environment my husband and I created for our 5 yr old nieces and all family members to say goodbye.
I’ve learnt from writing this, that I have to forgive myself, which makes it easier to forgive others. We all make mistakes, and nobody can predict the future, but we can all live in the present.
Thank you Julia for this wonderful opportunity to reflect and share. Best wishes to All xx
This new blog strangely enough (or should I say synchronically enough) comes a week after I decided to work intensely on forgiveness, learn about what it means and how to really and truly forgive. Who? Myself first of all, my parents, the difficult circumstances life has put me in. Like many of you, I have always been so critical of myself that it had never occurred to me that I needed to forgive aspects of myself. A few months ago, after intuitively picking the imagery “The grand hall of forgiveness” for my practice I started experiencing great relief from doing the imagery. The imagery actually opened up a new possibility for me: self-forgiveness. For what? For letting so many years go by without trying for a baby, for not slowing down, for not accepting my weaknesses. Right now I believe I am at a starting point in my journey of forgiveness, but a necessary one: forgiving myself feels like a process of integration of those neglected aspects.
Hello Mamas,
This post reminds me how out of touch I am with the subject of forgiveness. To forgive fully (or even a taste) is a powerful opening force; a gentle flowing river, as opposed to a log jam. It has been a long time since I’ve made conscious choice to forgive myself, while at the same time working not to displace blame onto someone else.
I love the idea of starting over, and I align with the feeling that forgiveness brings clearing. I want to bring this more consciously into my practices, more exhaling, more slowing down.
I don’t think I have every really forgiven my spouse for not being ready to have babies earlier, when I was younger. I have certainly tried, and rationalized the situation, but the deep feeling that I was ready and he was not always pops back into my consciousness. It really creates a stuck pattern in me and of course in our relationship. It’s like a blame that I’ve covered up with so much other stuff, because I am tired of feeling it.
Thank you for the important conversation!
Forgiving feels so hard sometimes. Forgiving myself or forgiving others. I sometimes replay the offense over and over and just feel the awful feelings over and over. I think forgiving myself is the hardest. I can step back and see others behaviors and develop the compassion but it is really hard to see that for yourself. It would feel wonderful to have compassion for myself and allow myself the “mistakes” I have had in the past. I sometimes feel like a coward not able to step up when asked. Why? Am I that deeply hurt that I cant move forward? Sometimes numbing out feelings is easier than feeling them. But I know that is not the path to walk for being free..whether or not I fall pregnant. I try to just keep walking forward even though it feels like I am walking through deep mud sometimes.
Thank you Julia for such an important topic and for asking these questions.
This post has opened my eyes. I struggle with the guilt I’ve placed on my shoulders usually for things beyond my control. This post has made me step back and ask how do I forgive myself for something I didn’t chose or ask for yet still feel guilty about? I think the guilt I constantly place on myself is a significant burden yet until now if you had asked me to ask for forgiveness, I would have pondered about asking for this from others, not asking for forgiveness from myself. I find it is far easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself. Showing myself the same compassion I show others every day is so very important yet not easily done.
Thank you Julia for shining the light on this for me.
What a beautiful thing – to think about seeking forgiveness from oneself. I have been doing the Fertile Heart OVUM Practice work for many months now and have been tuning into ways to strengthen the UM within me. However, when I observed the holiday last week and thought about forgiveness, I thought about it only externally in terms of the people from whom I should seek forgiveness for my actions over the past year. Not once did I think about seeking forgiveness from myself. This gives me a lot to think about. I look forward to working on this and feel it will be helpful in alleviating some of the stress and pressure I put on myself and my body during this journey.
Reading this post, 2 aspects of forgiveness came up for me: the first is forgiving myself for choices I have made. Actually, what came to mind was not choices on my fertility journey, but choices I made in my career. Many years ago, after suffering a serious illness, I chose not to go back to the job I had at a top architect’s practice. Given what I’d been through, stepping back into the intensity of that environment did not feel right. And I know deep inside that, given the circumstances, I made the correct choice. My career path which followed has been a lot more low key, and for years, as I negotiated the aftershocks of illness, this felt right. However, recently I have started to have some sadness & regrets about where I could have gone to had I stayed in my previous career. Not just because I would have considered myself more successful (an O, I know), but also because there was a lot of very interesting stuff going on in that work. So now I have to, when these uncomfortable feelings come up, offer myself forgiveness for the (absolutely right at the time) choices I made.
The other aspect of forgiveness which comes up is forgiving others who have, in fact, done no wrong. I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but when friends have got pregnant effortlessly (especially the ones who’ve been through no other major challenges in their lives) I’ve got quite angry with them (obviously not to their faces!), like their getting pregnant somehow contributed to making me feel worse. When all they have done is do what most women hope to naturally & effortlessly achieve, and many do. So I need to both forgive myself for having these feelings, and ‘forgive’ them for getting pregnant.
Love,
Bel x
Oh yes! When I first read this blog, I really focused on doing the forgiving, and trying to work towards that. The first thing that came up was that one of my very best friends didn’t come to my daughter’s funeral, and this has made me so sad and angry over the last 2 years. I know I need to forgive her, but I am finding it hard. This post about not taking the short-cut really resonated with me – maybe I need to sit with the part of myself that was injured by what she did for a while, and then it will come … But then I also got to thinking about forgiving myself, and now realise that maybe there’s a part of me that craves forgiveness also … Lots to think about, thanks Julia.
Forgiveness is an ongoing journey. I think forgiving oneself is the hardest thing to do because we feel you could have done more. I’m learning to be compassionate toward myself which will help me have more compassion for others. Learning to open up and know that we all suffer and no one is perfect.
Such a great blog, Julia, I still find so much wisdom in these blogs that helps me now that I’m raising these beautiful beings, thanks to all the work we’ve done together. My judging orphan didn’t go away, I love to be reminded how liberating it can feel to forgive myself and to also give myself time and not to give into “temptation to assume the “I forgive” posture from a sense of obligation.” I used to do that a lot and it did cause more harm than good. Thank you, as always for all the support I keep getting from the work you do!!!
Dear Fertile mamas,
Thank you Julia for writing about forgiveness and its many aspects.
When growing up I really had challenges with my dad because of his high expectations of me and his scarcity of positive comments. I grew up and he changed to the point of being wonderfully supportive and I am so grateful for that. I recognize that his treatment of me was fear based. I have long since forgiven him, though I wish I had been raised with more support from him.
Now my orphans are speaking because the job I have is very tentative. My superiors are not satisfied with my performance and I have a vast number of orphans that need comforting. Thank you Julia for your help. I now need to forgive myself for not being perfect.
Blessings to all.