The error in the title was not intentional, but leaving it in was a conscious choice. The title I had in mind was “Can Amy & Julia Hear Each Other?”, but “heart” each other is what my grandmother would have wanted me to say.
Yolan Klein
my grandmother
What does my grandmother have to do with The New York Times Fertility Diary and how in God’s name did she become part of this conversation?
Here is how it started.
Yesterday I met Amy Klein, the NYT Fertility Diary columnist who has been the subject of several of my recent blog entries. We didn’t actually meet face to face. We tweeted at each other. Amy was the one who tweeted first, responding to the title of one of my recent entries, titled, NYT Fertility Diary: Naiveté, Blinding Desperation, or Plain Old Human Arrogance.
Amy: Really? @FertileHeart, I’m “desperate” & “arrogant?” And you’re meant to be supportive of women trying to get pregnant?
Julia: Yes, @AmydKlein, for 20 years I have supported women trying to get pregnant in embracing their desperation instead of acting it out.
Amy: @FertileHeart Let’s be more supportive of each other…
And then in a private email* Amy added: Ironically, I just wrote about your book yesterday in my column, but it ended up getting cut. I really wanted to mention “Inconceivable” as the bible for the holistic health movement. I was impressed with the book a long time ago…I admire you for your ability to take your fertility into your own hands. Not all of us are really able to do that…
After receiving Amy’s email, I’ve been wrestling with the part of me that asks, “How is it that the NYT’s editor was fine about citing the name of the Colorado Fertility Clinic, or Dr. Zhang and New Hope Fertility, but the mention of my first book, Inconceivable, was cut?” It’s the same part of me that wishes Amy would have clicked on my website and made the trip to Woodstock before she put so many of her eggs in the I.V.F. basket.
I also wondered if Amy would indeed be able to hear me; was she genuinely interested in learning about my work or did she just want to pick up a few quick “tips” that would make her next I.V.F. a success?
And then something happened.
I re-read that last tweet from Amy, the one in which she said, “Let’s be more supportive of each other,” and saw in my mind’s eye the image of my grandmother. Instead of “Fertile Heart, let’s be more supportive of each other,” what I heard was, “Fertile Heart, let’s love each other.”
I never met my grandmother. When my father, who survived Matthausen (a forced labor camp in Austria), returned home after the war, a neighbor handed him a note that said:
“Children, love each other. You will not see me again.”
Later, my father learned from an eyewitness that my grandmother had died in a cattle car on the way to Auschwitz, a concentration camp in Poland.
My grandmother’s maiden name was Yolan Klein.
So Amy, it looks like we might indeed be each other’s healers, but I’m not sure yet how I can support you. I do hope that we can be in a mutually respectful relationship long enough for me to show you that you, like me, are eminently able to “take your fertility into your own hands.” Above all, I hope that we can hear, and “heart”, each other.
*Text used with permission from Amy Klein
Hi all,
I wish I could find the right words for my appreciation of this work. (I apologize as English is not my 1st language) I just want to add that I am so so happy and grateful to have found it!
Suzanne put it so nicely – this work is so much applicable to many more things in life. (I also have a back issue since many many years- NO surgery ;) ) Many times when I talk about it I wish my friends (who are mostly not pregnant) could join me on this journey and I am sure they would get much healing from it, many of them could appreciate it for other pieces of their life puzzle.
When I discovered there is so much more to childbirth, once I heard of Ina May Gaskins (when I was pregnant with my daughter) – The same I felt when I discovered Julias work shop (trying to get pregnant for a second baby) – All i can think is ‘brilliant’ brilliant women! At least everyone should just once touch it and dive in for a little while and see…
So much to learn, so much to live.
Thank you for being there.
Simone
Julia, thanks for your post. All, thanks for your comments. There is a lot of fodder for thought in your post. As I was reading it, I felt frustration from both you and Amy – so interesting. Yet, there was the line “let’s be more supportive of each other” that softened up something especially when you went back and re-read it and saw “let’s love each other”. So beautiful. Isn’t that what a Fertile Heart is capable of? Only a Fertile Heart could hear too.
I love stories about misspelled/misspoken words, when an error turns into a solution! And the fact that last names spell the same is simply amazing!! Besides these “accidents”, it looks like you have quite in common – you both dig into the fertility subject, trying to help people to fulfill their dreams, but have chosen different ways.
I have friends that successfully conceived children using ART technologies, and they seem very happy any grateful for that. I guess it was their way. I tried to follow the same path, but it just didn’t work and didn’t feel right. After a long search, trying to be open-minded, I found Fertile Heart and it really speaks to me.
Does it matter what way we choose as long as we find the truth and happiness at he end of our journey?
Dear Happy_Swirl,
I couldn’t stop myself from responding to your post. For some reason I come daily to this blog, read it but never felt like posting a comment. After I read your post, I wanted to share my 2 cents and my experience and what it taught me.
I too like you found fertile heart soothing and the right path in the baby making. What bothers me about the whole ART stuff is that our mind instantly feel that if we spend thousands and thousands of dollars then this solution should work but then that’s not the case. Most couples who underwent the fertility treatment and used ART proudly say that its the IVF that made us pregnant.I completely believed this statement prior to being introduced to fertile heart tools. But when I hear this stmt now, my mind just says “CUT THE CRAP”, its neither the doctor nor IVF that helped you, its your baby who decided to take birth. I started staunchly believing in this baby deciding when to descend on this earth and not the humans who can make it work.
I came across a relative of mine who faced similar issues with fertility for 4 yrs and now she is pregnant. I happened to visit her (didn’t know she was pregnant then) and her piece of advice for me was, “after 30s it seems the eggs will fade off, so hurry up, go and get done IUI or IVF that is life saver !!!” I was thinking, how fortunate am i to find the fertile heart path ! There are millions of folks who are struggling to conceive a baby but how many are able to take this path? How many have realized that its the baby who decides and we are mere spectators, all we can do is make the space in our body congenial for her arrival? I too underwent 2 IVFs and was so enthusiastic when I started with my 1st one, full of enthusiasm, ideally I was prepared and had strong confidence that ivf will give me baby, I had least idea about amh, fsh, all i knew was IVF gives babies. I fell flat on my face when I saw how my body responded. what I learnt is my body was extremely clear to me, “You put one more injection, I am gonna shutdown the whole system – Do you hear me?” Yes I heard it after 3 Clomid, 3 IUI, 2 IVF failed treatments. But I am amazed at how my body responded. More medication, more money doesn’t mean more results.
Now all my concentration is around empowering my body and building that confidence in myself that I can do it, I can fly like an eagle, I can dare to dream, I have all the innner resources to co-create the energy, the life and clear up the space for the creation to occur….making the path clear for my baby to come. That’s the only thing I can do, when will I have my baby is totally dependent on my baby’s will.
I would like to thank you as I am feeling so good after posting my thoughts!
Baby dust on all of us
Dear Julia and everyone here,
It’s so wonderful to hear from you.
This blog is very powerful. So Klein was your grandmother’s maiden name. I am so so sorry for what happened to her. How powerful that she said for her children including your father to love one another. Women have to be empowered and love their bodies and themselves. This is Fertile Heart. There is another way and that is the Fertile Heart tools – even if it is combined with common medical practice. It’s all about embracing being miraculous wonderful humans.
Thank you so much, Julia
Hi Julia,
Communication coming from the heart makes words more powerful, so it’s good that you and Amy heart each other. Maybe Amy does not feel she has any control over her biology; mind-body work can be a two edged sword: it promotes the idea that one/one’s mind has influence over one’s body. That implies that I may be, in some indirect way, responsible for my current state (having difficulties to conceive) ; that the torture or pain i’m experiencing may be the result of my own making. This is an unbearable thought and indeed a misleading one, but nevertheless a viable thought that crosses my mind when i think about some new age mind-body popular paradigms–ask and it will be granted, and so on. The very idea that we might have a share in our suffering is often inconcivable to more than a few of us. Again, it is a misconception of mind-work and Julia, you always emphasis, rightfully, that we are only co-creators of our reality. I prefer second authors myself but the idea is the same: i didn’t choose my reality. And yet, yet, i can search and explore and implement any kind of work that will change the way i face the music. This does not mean in any way that i am responsibIe for my difficulties. Let’s not overestimaite our minds. Or maybe we should and see where it takes us. It won’t mean in anyway that we asked for or had a share in our difficulties but it may mean, one day, that did our best to overcome them.
As someone who has gone through IVF and worked with the OVUM practice I can see how they might seem at odds. However, Julia and the practice have always been supportive of where I’m at whether that be trying to conceive naturally or through IVF. I’m glad both Julia and Amy are able to open a dialog to find common ground. Some may find they only need the OVUM practice others may find they only need IVF but both methods have had a place in my journey toward motherhood. I am grateful to Julia for offering her support and guidance through this process. It is important that we support and love each other through the journey not belittle or judge one another. This challenge is tough enough without adding conflict over our choices. I hope this dialog continues.
I have not read Klein’s article, but I do know one thing. Following the Fertile Heart work has been more to me than just about taking my fertility into my own hands, its been about taking my life into my own hands. Who are we and how do we act out when the “orphaned” abandoned parts of ourselves go untended to? Silently screaming in the corner for us to pay attention, they hold us back. From our dreams, from our vision, from our life. It’s a tremendous gift to have learned this tool and witness/experienced Julia working with people to see the true essence of people revealing themselves over and over. Thank you, Julia, for educating so many women and the general public about getting away from labeling and dismissing women’s own ability to heal. And introducing so many to get to know intimately all parts of ourselves.
It is good to see you have made contact. I was hoping she would find your information one way or another.
The quote “I admire you for your ability to take your fertility into your own hands. Not all of us are really able to do that”. Even after I found your books and went to your workshop etc I was still struggling to take my fertility into my own hands. I would and I would not. It was annoying to watch myself do this. However I am (finally) understanding and feeling what that really means. There is a peace and a strength that comes with it.
I too noted Amy’s line “I admire you for your ability to take your fertility into your own hands. Not all of us are really able to do that…” It felt representative of many women and not just on the issue of fertility. And, it just struck a chord in my heart of what kind of life we are living if it’s only about doing what other’s tell us to do and not following our truth? I had this experience another time in my life when I re herniated a disk in my back and some doctors tried to convince me to get back surgery again. It didn’t feel right to me, and I went down a long path of healing and really learning to listen to my body and use it as a tool to help me with the truth. It was the best decision I made; it may feel easier to just listen to others, but in the end, I don’t believe that path will not lead us to the fullest life.
Julia-
I am glad to see this post. I can tell you that I understand your frustration and I share it as, I am seeing through my own experience of all the people that I send to you, few people pursue your books, CDs and workshops. Even though, I highly recommend them, these people have come to me and asked what I did (as a 43 year old woman who ovulated every other month, etc) to have my healthy amazing 2-year old. What she is saying and what I hear them telling me through their actions is that not all of them and most of them are ‘not able to do it’. Most of the people I have referred I even bought the books and CDs for and yet, they want to look at IVF as their first option. As if it were one or the other when we are talking about our own health, emotional and physical. And the health of our child (as studies now show that children of IVF may be more prone to sickness and less healthy). Like you, I am not IVF averse, I just knew it was not going to work for me as I have a very sensitive system. And, regardless, I believe I the mind-body connection and wanted to see what was underneath my fertility issues. Science supports the mind-body connection so why is it such a stretch for people to see it with fertility? I believe it’s a very humble, possible humiliating and very vulnerable place to encounter. Most people don’t want to go there. I did and like you (I think) sometimes find it a lonely place to stand in when everyone would rather pop a pill, go for a good shop (my numbing of choice) or eat a fine piece of cake. Yes, I do have some judgements but mostly I empathize. It is a long, hard and humbling road to healing I have found. As, being a parent so often rips the bandaid off of my ego and brings me to my knees and tears. When my daughter, who I live and breathe for like most new moms, favors my husband most days, it is heart-breaking to my inner child and I learn every day the places where I feel wounded or rejected in my life/history from her. But I heal. And, I think what is forgotten is that it is our responsibility to heal ourselves so that we do not use our children to make us whole. To me, that is the journey to whole self fertility-conception of any kind, motherhood of any kind, and parenting of any kind. Because in the end, I hope to learn to parent the lonely and lovely and hurt and needy child in myself better. So that I can parent my child in a more conscious way that my mother was not capable of. I guess my LONG point is that it hurts me, as I know it does you from knowing you (and hope I haven’t overstepped here) that it everyone doesn’t want to come along on the journey of healing. I guess for me, healing the way that I want to do it. I wish them healing and trust that they will get it in their own way but I am lonely here in my healing sometimes. And, need to reach out more to those that share a similar path to mine. Thank god for the fertile heart community which I am sorely out of touch with. Nothing else to say except that I am feeling you and feeling Amy. And, sending you both my love and support. We are all women who want a better life for ourselves and our children. Sometimes it seems like a lot of work because it is. Love-Suzanne
What a wonderful opportunity to be able to finally connect. I have enjoyed your blogs in response to Ms. Klein’s articles and have frequently wondered why someone who was on this journey to find her baby hadn’t sought you out. I see know she does know about your work, but maybe isn’t aware of how it works. For this, I feel for her. While we each have to navigate our fertility journey in the way if feels most comfortable, I would encourage any one who is struggling to meet her baby to delve into Julia’s OVUM work. As some of the other women commented on here that once you begin this work, you quickly realize, it’s not JUST about become a mother, but birthing a new you! I wouldn’t trade my “difficulty” getting pregnant for the world, because this journey brought me to Julia and that in turn brought me to myself.
Julia, thank you for this beautiful post. Suzanne, I believe we were in the same workshop at Woodstock… I loved reading your words… reminds me of all those months on the message boards. I too have felt frustrated when people I care about don’t seem interested/willing/open to pursue the gifts we know are hidden on that hard journey towards a baby. Not a day goes by that I don’t use my OVUM tools in some way, shape or form. And yet I understand their hesitation. I stand at the precipice of yearning for another baby. And my orphan is scared. Scared that if I stop nursing those days when babe seems more excited to see daddy (mine too:) will become more frequent. Scared that the path I took before won’t work again. Scared to wish for my body to work so I won’t need to go that path… I feel you too. If you’d like to connect, feel free to get my email from Julia. Sending love. Morgan
Morgan-love to connect with you. I hear you and i have lots to say about all/emphasize. love-suzanne