1. NellB      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi friends-

   I reached a new level of despair with my recent failed IUI. It came with a profound feeling of defeat. We feel we're at a turning point and I wonder if others have advice that will help us make the decisions in front of us.

   I have a fertility challenge that makes my cycles long and slow. I haven't ovulated naturally for many years. With medical stimulation, it takes me a very long time to ovulate and often the cycles are not viable by the time I do (my uterine lining isn't ideal, I've produced too many eggs, etc.). With consistent Western medical treatment (and acupuncture and Chinese herbs and the OVUM approach), I've only had the opportunity for two IUIs in the past two years. I got pregnant with the first, but I miscarried. This last one, two weeks ago, was unsuccessful.

   Impatience isn't a strong enough word for what I'm feeling. I'm sure you all can relate. Each and every day feels like an unbearable amount of time and it requires monumental effort to make it to whatever my tangible next step is toward making a baby. Not to sound dramatic, but it feels sort of like I am in prison and when I get "bad news" (e.g., an IUI has been unsuccessful), my release date has been postponed.

   The doctors say they are very confident that IVF will work for us. We do not want to do IVF (not only because of the immense financial strain, but we want to keep the interventions to a minimum). But we are so ready to meet our baby. We are wondering if we can handle the additional months/years of trying to produce IUI cycles. Are we ready for IVF or would we be giving in and moving beyond our comfort zone too quickly?

   I have great faith in the OVUM approach and have incorporated several of Julia's exercises into my daily routine. But is it "wrong" to try to shorten our journey? We are really struggling with this decision and I would appreciate hearing from anyone who has faced similar questions.

   Thank you.

   Best,
   Nell

2. AnneElizabeth      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Dear Nell, My heart goes out to you. You will make a good decision. Please do not beat yourself up along the way, and continue to remind yourself what a beautiful, loving mother you already are. I have lots of experience with IVF, and am still not sure what the best advice is. I can tell you that we thought IVF was the express ticket to a baby and found that was not the case. Looking through the retrospectascope I realize that we might have been wise to begin with less serious measures. Miscarriages are more common with IVF, and each one of my cycles ended in miscarriage. I have had two D&Cs, and now I am experiencing some difficulty with my uterine lining. It sounds like you have already tried the other options though, so your circumstances are quite different than mine. The best thing is that you have already found the FH practice, so you are going to be successful no matter what you decide and where you are guided by your own wisdom. Love, Anne

3. NellB      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Thank you, Anne. I will try not to beat myself up. I do feel an enormous pressure to make the "right decision" and I often feel responsible when things don't go the way we want them to. This is not helpful.

   Thank you for sharing your experience. I hadn't thought about an increased risk of miscarriage with IVF, but I suppose it makes sense. Something to think about. I appreciative your warmth and wisdom.
   Take care.
   -Nell

4. AnneElizabeth      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   There are a couple of related articles that Julia has posted on the website under"articles" that will be helpful for you to read. I totally understand the pressure you feel to make the "right" decision. Believe me, I have been there and still visit that place often:). It sounds like you have a good relationship with your doctor, which I think is so important. I don't always see everything the same as my doctor, but I trust her and feel that she respects my comprehensive approach. I think a lot of people just rely on the IVF process and neglect preparing the body and mind at the same time. For instance, many women drink wine and "reward" themselves with ice cream and sweets while they are taking their IVF drugs. In my experience, nobody told me to do otherwise. Take your time. I get the feeling that you have plenty of time. Trust that it is all a big gift. Your body is just practicing, and everything will work according to that perfect unknown plan. Love, Anne

5. NellB      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Thank you, Anne. "Everything will work according to that perfect unknown plan." This is my new mantra. I love it.

   At your suggestion, I looked through the articles and found "Hormones 101: What You Really Need to Know" and it speaks so directly to me. Before I take any additional steps toward IVF I am going to take the article to a local integrative medical practice and see if they can help me with any of the recommended tests.

   Thank you!
   Peace.
   -Nell

6. mandyq      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi Nell-
   I have been thinking of you the past few days since I read your post. I have not been able to log on here, and am now back in action, so although I did not write in response I just wanted you to know that you have been in my thoughts, and your strength has also helped me through the past couple of days as I began a new cycle.
   Although our situations are a bit different, as all of ours are, I empathize with you about making the right decisions on this journey, and don't always know, for sure, that the path that I am on is the right one. Prior to finding fertile heart/Julia, I felt constantly rushed to do the next step if, after a couple of months, one approach wasn't working. (HSG, laporascopic surgery, mayan massage, IUI) It felt like one thing was leading to the next, simply because I didn't know what else to do. This work has allowed me to really slow down in a very positive way. It has been three months since we went to the workshop- three cycles. Normally, I would be out searching for the next quick fix. Instead, I am choosing, although it is sometimes really hard, to stick to this work and believe in it. I'm hoping that it will only get easier to believe more and more that this is the right path to be on.
   I have been reading Broken Open (on Julia's book list, and its very good... although there is a section on children that I did skip over!) Anyways, there are many many powerful quotes that have been helping me, and I wanted to share a few with you, in hopes that they may resonate with you as well.
   "I have learned how suffering only increases when I demand of life that 'this should not be happening to me.'"
   "By failing to accept your suffering, the pain you feel will be much more acute and harsh."
   " The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances."
   Be well, Nell, and know that I would love to keep in touch with you and help to support you in any way that I can! -Mandy

7. NellB      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Oh, Mandy, it's so great to hear from you! I'll take a look at that book. Those quotes are so powerful. Thank you. I'm printing them out and will visit them when I need to. And I'm so glad to hear you're doing well, moving at your own pace. I have no doubt that this approach will serve you well. I know it's hard.

   Since I last wrote, some interesting things have happened related to my "next step." I made an appt with a local integrative medicine practitioner to talk about my fertility challenges around the time that my next cycle, potentially IVF, would begin. I really felt it was important to allow time for any changes/treatments proposed by the holistic NP to have an effect, but I couldn't bring myself to delay my cycle. I just couldn't. Patience has been my biggest struggle.

   The day before my cycle was to begin, the fertility clinic called to say they were moving to a new location and could not start my next cycle until October. I couldn't believe it. This is absolutely providential. While on one hand it is painful to take time away from "trying," it is also giving me the time I need to try another, slower route to addressing my fertility issues. I have decided to also use this time to reconnect with the non-baby things that make me happy. I seem to have forgotten what activities bring me pleasure. I've had baby tunnel vision for the past two years. I'm looking for classes to take and I'm doing more drawing. My husband and I have lots of little road trips planned. I'm still feeling the intense longing each and every day, but I'm also sort of excited by this strange, new open block of time.

   This experience has reminded me that not all of these decisions are mine to make. I'm doign my very best to make my body the most welcoming environment it can be, but, ultimately, I don't have control over the process. As Anne said, "everything will work according to that perfect unknown plan." It's a humbling and quite liberating thought.

   Again, great to hear from you, Mandy! I am absolutely here for you also! I'll be thinking about you. Keep treating yourself well.

   -Nell

8. mandyq      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Wow, Nell. I am moved by your gentle acceptance of the postponement of your appointment. What a powerful moment that must have been for you- I would imagine the shock you probably felt, deep down in your belly, when hearing that the appointment needed to be postponed, and then the ultimate understanding that this wasn't a bad thing, but a really GOOD thing! Just step back and realize how healing it must be to realize that you are ABLE to see this as a good thing- it means you have come a long way and that this work is really helping. I remember getting a call from the RE I was supposed to see- many many months ago before starting this work. I was anxiously awaiting the appointment, to "move to the next step" for about 4 months. A week before the appointment, the office called and said the doctor had to go out of town unexpectedly, and wouldn't be able to make my appointment. I thought my life was over. I definitely had that baby tunnel vision you mentioned, and I had it bad. I was not able to at all see this as a positive thing... yet had I been equipped with the tools and had acceptance of my body and my emotions at that time, I would have certainly reacted differently.
   Nell, your comment "these decisions are not all mine to make" is really beautiful. The best you can do is make your body the most welcoming environment, yes, but, as Julia says, we are "co-creaters" of our lives. Thank you for making me think about this again, at a time when I really needed to! That perfect unknown plan can be a really frustrating one to accept sometimes, but I do deeply believe in it, and know from the depths of me that this journey has a happy ending.
   Thanks for bringing some positive energy into my life with your post- I will be thinking of you as you go off on your little journeys over the next couple of months, and mother all those parts of you that need nurturing and unearthing- have some good adventures!
   Be well- Mandy

RSS feed for this topic

Reply

You must log in to post.