1. gal      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi Friends,

   My homework for the next few weeks is to do the "my mother, not myself" body truth exercise and check in every other day. Through listening to my orphans I have been realizing more about my mother and the parts of me that are like her and some that are ver much not like her. I am still on a track of letting go and really just longing to live a simpler more loving life. I am still sorting through what feels like if I let go of things and have a simpler life will I lose my longing for another baby as well?

   Good night,
   Gal

2. Robin      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Thank you, Gal for doing your homework. I think it is wonderful when we do our homeplay!

   I'm checking in to commit to the homework I have assigned myself.
   In the phone circle was the question: I want to escape from the orphan who..
   I responded:
   ...who gets hurt by what other people do

   Julia told me that the more our visionary strengthens, the less other people hurt us.
   She also was working on the visionary response with someone else.

   Part of my homeplay is working on my visionary response. The closest thing I have so far, using Julia's guidance, is that my visionary knows that I am strong enough to deal with whatever the UM/life sends me. I'm still working on more of that response.

   Another part of the homework relates to the phone circle participant who said something about being too busy to take time for herself - her homeplay included the Guided meditation, Glass House, White flower and hand of kindness. I'm doing those as well because I relate to that feeling. I really like the hand of kindness because sometimes I just need to lean on someone I can trust and escape to a better place.

3. HopefulMom      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi Robin and Gal and everyone from Monday's phone circle. I was grateful for the conversation and circle of support on my 3rd circle, even though I didn't chime in this time.

   When Julia asked, "What is that battle that is raging in my heart?", my first thought was busyness. We recently put our house on the market and my husband and I are both job hunting and we are traveling quite a bit this summer (we're leaving for a 9-day roadtrip with our 4 year old on Saturday). But there is always something making me feel "busy". As I dug deeper I realized that the busyness distracts me and makes it difficult to focus on anything completely. I think I do that for fear of failure. I realize that I'm afraid to really want a second child and believe it's truly possible because then I can be hurt so much more if it doesn't happen. I want to escape from the orphan who doesn't fully commit for fear of failure. The image that comes to mind is one of shallow roots that aren't able to support a strong healthy plant.

   So, my homework. I bought a journal for recording this journey and I opened up my new Imagery CD and started listening to it tonight. I want to listen to the rest of it tomorrow and choose an imagery exercise to work with for the next 7 days.

   Thanks for committing to this work and to supporting others in the process.

   Angie in Iowa

4. gal      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi all,

   I am checking in about my homeplay. I have been doing the body truth exercise my mother not myself the last three days and am going to continue till the next phone circle. There were similarities over the last three days. Moving like my mother has been similar each time - crossed arms, rounded shoulders, moving very blockily. The last two times a scrunched up face has come as well. When it is time for my to be myself I notice such a difference of fluidity and some grace. I don't think I ever saw my mother show any grace or do even one dance move. One time I hook my arms and legs whole body wanting to get her out of me. That time I ended up really stretching my arms high above my head as part of the release of her. This changed into a reach which then emerged that I could reach the baby - he was right there. i took him down to hold near my chest and took in the smell of his newness. One other time my desire to get my mother out of me was done with very fluid moves - flinging arms and legs like it would just glide out of me.

   The exercise has left me thinking about how fundamentally different we are and how we have really nothing in common.

   Hi Angie and Robin - hope you are finding your homeplay beneficial as well.

   take care,
   Gal

5. Robin      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi Angie and Gal,

   I am so grateful for you and your commitment to do this homeplay. I did my mother not myself. My mother passed away about 6 years ago. I can't really remember alot about how she moved. I do know she got pregnant easily. My mom and dad would have relations for 30 days straight and poof - a baby every time (3 times). I guess I wish I were more like her in that regard.

   She was also fearful and avoided conflict. I'm really not hoping to be like her in that regard. I love my mother.

   I relate to the busyness/distraction things very much, Angie. Thank you both so much for posting.

   My best thoughts are with you for a beautiful outcome.

   Robin

6. DS      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   I've been working with ropes of obligation and defend, receive BT. I'm really discovering I have a lot of high expectations about what a biological child will provide in my life.

   Angie, I really relate so much to what you're saying about being so busy and that being a distraction to the longing. I've been freelancing and it's been so all-consuming that important parts of my life are being neglected. I'm realizing my orphans are both scared of failing to have a child and at the same time fear having a child. They tell me if I don't dwell on a child then I'm protecting myself from the failure of not having one. Also, they ask me everyday, "why am I being so silly to think this could happen for me after all this time." I try to hear them but I don't want to miserable everyday of my life during this journey. So, I'm trying to embrace hope and happiness and live each day to it's fullest. It's so difficult for me. The urge to protect myself is strong. Thank you for sharing, Angie! Your analogy about shallow roots and fear of commitment really spoke to me and my journey.

7. gal      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi all,

   Checking in on the progress of my "my mother not myself" body truth homeplay. A few nights ago: immediately went into a stiff pose - scrunched face, hunched shoulders, blocky walk, thinking of how did she raise her arms over her head? - like she' yelling stop. When I went to me - I felt fluidity, a distinctly different body, more curves more softness. Then in a quiet fluid way was flinging the memories of her out of me - with the wave of an arm some came flying out.
   Another night was connecting with how my mother breathed. In and out - simple - functional. Remembered she never was in a pose that was approachable for me. No playfulness - never have been on her hands and knees and crawl around with me.
   Another evening I was very tired. Again was very aware of her blocky movements. Very aware of my fatigue and any tension in me - anywhere I was carrying the baggage of trying to be myself and be her daughter. For me did some quiet stretching with awareness of all the feelings in my body.
   Last night, was aware of how my mother stood with her arms crossed alot also this one gesture she did with her hand often. How she blinks. When I went to myself I noticed I felt full of blood and it was healthy and moving. I felt smooth as opposed to the lack of smoothness I felt when connecting with her. I felt the need to move gently and stretch and lengthen. Went into a yoga child's pose for a while just resting and noticing the calmness.

   This is the most success I have had with the body truth cd. It has been helpful to me to stick with one exercise and see what comes. It feels very different than the imagery to me and has helped me feel more connected to my body. It has also shown me something I haven't really noticed of how unapproachable and unfeminine my mother has felt to me. I also notice I feel very different from her. I also realize I have really struggled with my differences and felt there is something not right with them. I felt very judged by mother for who I am. I feel it is very much time to move on from this. It is taking too much of my energy.
   I realized I am doing other things which help me connect me with my body. I have been taking my 2 year old son to a music class - dancing, songs, playing basic instruments and with scarves, etc. the whole point is to help him connect with the music and his body and senses. At first I had a really hard time and was extremely emotional in the class and felt very sad for the day or two after. It took me awhile working with the tools and orphans to understand what was happening. One thing was I felt I had a giant scarlet letter on me that I was struggling to conceive a second child. There was a friend I only see occasionally in the class who has a child a little over my son's age. She easily went on to have a second. I felt very concious of my lack of our second child. What was larger for me though and creating alot of the pain was the difficulty in physically doing the body movements to the little songs and dances. It reminded me of what I never had with my mother. The loss felt very very deep. I have been able to comfort that orphan though and we have gone on to really open up to the class and geniunely enjoy being there with my little boy and for myself. I also came to feel fine in interacting with my friend and that I am indeed fertile and there is a path to enlarging our family.

   Take care and good night all,
   Gal

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