1. LisaJaimie      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Help! I'm not sure how to deal with the news that friends are pregnant. Often I handle it with grace and honestly am happy for them, other times like today, I am angry and jealous. That's not who I believe myself to be, nor who I want to be.
   Is it an orphan? Is it normal?
   Thanks for your imput. I'm new to the work, and this forum and would love the support of you wonderful ladies.

   Lisa

2. AnnaJ      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi Lisa

   Ouch I know this one! Its both 'normal' and an orphan. Its also 'normal' not to feel like that and be OK if you know what I mean. What is for sure is how you feel is so common and if you have read Inconceivable you'll know that Julia struggled with this too. When you do feel like this its an orphan for sure and it may be different orphans for different women.

   For me 2 very close friends announcing pregnancies late last summer triggered big big 'not fair' jealous orphans in me as well as 'you're useless' beating up orphans and it took most the autumn for me to get to grips with them and climb out the hole I fell into. This hole however took me into the Fertile Heart practice and this was when I picked up the Fertile Female for the first time and joined the conference calls. It also took me to a Fertility Fair where I learnt a lot I needed to know from a consultant surgeon and it took me to a wonderful hypnotherapist. All this things have really helped me along and I feel if I hadn't have felt so 'low' I would not have done any of those things. The good news is a couple of months later in January after getting through that dark time I was pregnant (although sadly I miscarried at 12.5 weeks).

   Despite the miscarriage things have been lighter since last autumn. Very lately I have heard news of another particular pregnancy and I feel delighted for the woman in question (she has long longed for a child), also I've felt 'if she can do it so can I!' but also rather anxious about seeing her (due to how I perceive her generally - I am always a little cautious - rather than the fact she is pregnant per se but that fact she is now pregnant does not help). So there is still sadness there and a little jealousy.

   Thanks for raising this as perhaps its time I listen to those orphans again.

   Warm wishes to you
   Anna

3. LisaJaimie      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Thanks Anna. I'm going to have to re-read Inconceivable with this new question in mind. I have had some other friends announce pregnancies lately and it made me happy. However this friend is in a less than desirable situation so I guess I was being judgmental and unfair.
   My husband was quick to label my feelings "an orphan" and I had difficulty with that. I'm going to reflect on this a little more.
   Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with me, every little connection seems to bring us all closer to the ultimate goal.
   L x

4. AnnaJ      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi Lisa

   I've felt a bit defensive about having things labelled as orphans at times too, even when I was doing the labelling myself! I've had the same feeling when people have said 'you're stressed'! I think what's helped me from Julia is the assurance that an orphan is not bad, they just are, that they represent feelings that are there and seeing them is a way of acknowledging those feelings and that part of you a bit better. Sometimes it can feel like a failing can't it? I know that's how I felt when I was feeling like that. But its OK, its not a failing at all its a chance to see that part of yourself and move with it in whichever way feels right to you. Nonetheless my experience is it feels inconvenient, upsetting and horrid while you're in it and you want it to go away so much.

   If its any help I felt very judgmental about one of my pregnant friends, it just was not fair how someone drinking and smoking could be pregnant and there was I with all my healthy squeaky clean living not conceiving... Now I know its not that simple. I often say this but I have no idea how I would be coping without this practice, my orphan lead episodes are less these days, still there, but less dominant.

   Wishing much luck and best wishes
   Anna X

5. kicianna      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hello there Anna and Lisa, Hello Ladies,

   Thank you for this thread and thank you for your insightful posts. I know the jelous orphan too! And I also think it is just very human to feel jelous when it comes to somebody else having a baby when it us us who long for it, and us who 'deserve' it (because we do such a good work healing ourselves physically and emotionally).

   The longer/the more nerve-racking the wait, the easier it is to trigger the jelous orphan. First it takes months and then years and then somebody comes along and says 'Oh. It just happened, I didn't even try...' And then you see their perfect little kid again and the kid is three years old and you remember that you started to try two years before the kid was even born!! Aaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh. It takes Gandi or Mother Teresa to remain untouched by jelousy in these circumstances (and who knows they were human too ;-)

   Or how about 'If you guys just relax, go on holiday, it will happen.' Or another one: 'You need to mentally give up/not be so focused on it and then it will happen' etc etc. And my favorite;' You have one child already, just quit trying if it doesn't work'. These are three pieces of advice I received from the parents of 3 kids, 4 kids, and 2 kids respectively... Hmmmm.

   The feeling is (as Julia describes somewhere) that there is a limited number of babies available; if the Bestower of Babies decides to make somebody else happy clearly there might not be enough for us... This is the orphan reality. The visionary says that everybody is on a different path and none of the paths is the same and people get on a journey of self-discovery and self-birth for different reasons and my particular reason is the challenge and the longing to complete my family.

   I recently started being jelous about other women's age. I will be 40 in October. I look young and always feel young but it doesn't help. I went to the hospital the other day an IUI and there was a very young woman, very pregnant, very healthy, in a mini skirt, glowing and fashionable. She was literally running to her appointment and skipping stairs. There was so much life in this woman, and so much energy and youth, I felt incredibly jelous and rather old and decrepit. I will be honest, I haven't sorted this one out yet!

   If this jelousy is the measure of longing, then mine is pretty strong :-). Fortunately, having the orphans surface these days makes me want to take care of myself even better. I wish everybody the same.

   lots of love,

   Anna (BE)

6. Sharm1      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi Lisa, Anna and FH ladies,

   I have been doing this work for several years now and the jealous orphan still comes up, quite often. I think I need to give her more room to express herself fully.
   Recently, I figured out (I have excellent pregnancy radar!) that a woman I work with is pregnant. She took a month off in May and I had a very strong feeling when she did that it was probably for a surgery or ivf cycle or both. Well whatever it was it looks like it worked.. I was in a meeting with her last Thursday and found myself scribbling profanity about her in my note book! I don't like her to begin with!
   I am so thankful for the fertile heart. I would never be this aware of my behavior or h be truthful about it let alone post it on the message boards. Hmm that's interesting... that I had such a strong reaction to this person I barely know..maybe I need to do some body truth and imagery around it and let my orphan speak her mind.

   Lovely to connect with you all, as always!
   Sharmini

7. pippy      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi Lisa, Anna, Anna and Sharmini,

   Thanks for the posts. Yes, it's very trying I know! And also, these can be the times we get to know ourselves that little bit better.

   Sharmini, have to thank you for making me giggle when you said you found yourself scribbling profanity in your notebook (of course not undermining how you felt at the time). Anything that makes me laugh is a gift. Thankyou!

   Regards, Christine (in Australia)

8. LisaJaimie      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Thank you ladies for taking the time to answer this question. It's something that, I guess, many of us struggle with and it's nice to see that I am not alone.
   I think it's time to move on to the body truth exercise for my orphans (have been putting that one off)- 'm sure I'll be back with some interesting reports in due time.

   This path we are all on, through the fertile heart workshops and body and imagery work, is amazing. I am so proud to be here, among women who feel as strongly as I do that this is a time to work through the hard stuff, celebrate the good stuff and make the most of our time while we're at it!

   L x

9. Hammette      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   I went to my little cousin's baby shower last Sunday. I got pregnant a few months before her and lost the baby. I was not sure if I could celebrate her. I was very angry and sad. I did force myself to go to the shower. Tears rolled down my face for about a half an hour. I tried not to look at her belly or make eye contact with her. When she was opening her gifts, I sat with my head directly behind someone's else's head so I did not see what she was getting. When it was over I finally was able to relax. I wish I had to right words to help you. Hopefully, we will be in my cousin's shoes one day.

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