1. kicianna      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hello Fertile Sisters,

   You know when a thought from a phone circle stays with you and keeps asking to be explored? Well, 2 years ago Julia mentioned (in the European phone circle) that this journey is not meant to be HARD as in 'hard work' or 'a punishment of sorts', or 'life is so tough'. I have been thinking about it and I realize that my relfex is to try to make things very serious and probably harder than they are i.e. I am really quite skilled at adding hardship to my journey in various ways.

   Anyway, now back, after 2 years the idea of making it 'lighter' still puzzles me. I remember Julia encouraging us to bring lightness, even fun/play (??) into it. At a deep level I know there is thruth in it but how do I translate it into a day to day reality? How do I learn to play and have more fun in my life while on a baby journey? Now that's a question! ;-) ;-) Has anyone experimented with making things lighter/easier/flowing?? I would be so grateful to hear your story and experience.

   I need to quote something from my ACA workbook (hope Julia forgives bring in a non-FH material ;-). This describes a feeling of being amused.

   'Amused: a light feeling of humor or good spirit. Grins and smiles. God's medicine'

   How can I access 'God's medicine' in my baby journey?

   lots of love,

   Anna (BE)

2. gal      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi Anna,

   This is such a timely post for me. I realize I have been struggling to say here that while I am not letting go of the longing for another child I am letting go of rigidity and the idea that if I can't achieve having another baby my life will have been a failure. It feels really scary to in a sense choose me and make the committment that I will not abandon myself if this is what life brings. Although I cannot quite feel it I know it is inherently what is healthy for me and most likely to help me conceive again.

   I have been thinking over the last weeks of Juia talking about our inner authority and I had realized even though I had done this work for awhile I still did not trust or honor my own inner authority. What has become paramount for me is that I do not abandon myself in this process. Maybe that is why the second baby not coming feels so like a terrible loss and a death - but is it my own inner death again - that again I will be so ashamed of myself I will be completely taken over by the orphans and I will be gone. I do not want that for myself or for the dear 2 year old boy I have - they both need me very much. It feels daring to say this like I am exposing a crack in my armor and exposing that I am not but 1000% of myself into this second baby. But as you say maybe it's not supposed to be that hard. I don't think it is.

   Thank you so much for all you share - it has really helped me.

   Take good care today,
   Gal

3. jo2010      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi Anna, Gal,

   This is a timely post for me too. I have been struggling with symptoms that look like I am again somatizing a lot, my body and my mind are never relaxed and this makes me feel guilty for not being "like those people that are joyful, happy, and able to face the challenges of life with a smile", in a light way, and with a body that does not break down at every moment. How many times I've heard these words mixed with feelings of disappointment or mixed with sarcastic comments.
   I know the way I live life at the moment is not the way to go, but I am also tired of having to show a light, happy face when I feel the opposite. So, I wonder how I can become light, in the way you rightly emphasize, and at the same time respect my feelings, my sadness, my rage. How can I become a bit more accepting, a bit more peaceful? It is about time to find a solution, I am tired of fighting, struggling, seeing life as just a long series of hardships...
   And I feel very lonely in all this. So I thank you girls for being able to share my feelings with you. And I'd like to hear about strategies people use to restore faith in life, their body, the process of life, and how they cope with somatization.

   Thank you for listening

   P.

4. gbaby2      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi all,
   I empathise with Anna,s post and others,
   It can be very difficult for me to be positive when it feels like I am not receiving what I want on this journey.I don't know if anyone else feels "left out" because of all the dietary restrictions and this in turns makes it more difficult for me to feel light and positive.
   I enjoy socialising and find that this is the best way to stay out of my head but it can be frustrating when out to dinner and there is very little on the menu that is healthy to order.
   On a positive note I try to exercise, keep busy, meeet friends and just stay in the present moment.All very good in theory but yes this journey can be hard and like Anna I know it should be lighter.
   G

5. gal      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi G and all,

   For a long time I made the changes to my diet and they did not feel restrictive - they felt like I was doing what I needed to do and it would help me get where I wanted. The last few months or so I did start to feel deprived and unacknowledged by my body because the changes had not brought something really tangible - the most desired tangible being a baby. The last few weeks though I took a step back and thought do I even believe in these dietary changes? What do I want? I have come to the conclusion that I do believe in the dietary changes and I have a renewed sense that I am doing exactly what I want and I am now doing it purposefully. I realized I felt restricted because that's what I was telling myself when I ordered a salad and everyone else ordered a burger. Last night our company celebrated over a great success. I ususally feel self concious over drinking non-alcoholically and have been almost apoligetic. last night I realized I had a right to celebrate and enjoy this success and also a right to drink a non-alcoholic beverage and be respectful of my own desire and decision - and I had a really good time!
   there are people who have done this journey with no dietary changes and been successful. As Julia and many have said it's listening to your own authority that really matters. I do think there is power in food, but I realized if I am not honoring that power where have I really gotten to?

   Take care,
   Gal

6. Kristen      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hi Ladies,

   Anna, i was on that phonce circle you mention and remember thinking this is not suppose to be HARD but how can it not be. A few years passed and Julia said something to me (which i actually typed up in a response last ngiht to gal but when i went to post it my computer crashed and it was gone...my angel as Julia would say) that seemed to open me up to what this chat has been about-making the journey lighter and fun. I had been going to an acupuncturists once per week(among many other things) for over 5 years. I have been to over 4 different ones at various times. I found it was the one thing i could just do every week faithfully that meant i was still trying, still doing all ican to conceive this baby-it became my crutch and Julia saw it. She said to me "what if you stop going to the acupuncturist and use the time and money to do something else?" I panicked. Stop going to the acupuncturist?? I hung up the phone with no intention of NOT returning to the acupuncturist but i never went back and it was the turning point in my journey. I started to really think about what Julia said and realized that i was searching for the magical needle in the haystack that was going to give me my baby. I wasnt doing the work, the acupuncturist was and i needed to take that time and do something that made ME feel good. I am not suggesting that you all quit acupuncture but maybe you have your own "crutch" that you trade in for something different? I started walking with my husband and son each night after dinner. It was so energizing for the whole family and really made me feel good. I had to drag my husband with us at first, but then we all came to really enjoy our walks together. While i was doing it to help with te baby process, it also was great for us as a family.

   I also struggled with food and alcohol for years as you all describe. I finally decided to loosen up on my diet a bit but become stricter with alcohol and caffeine and this was something i could live with for a time. I set a 3 month goal and also started having some non alcoholic beer (as it was summer and we have a boat-need i say more?:-)) I found the non alcoholic beer to be a reward and i really felt great at the end of the weekend when i hadnt given in and had a glass of wine or a real beer. Even though i would only have one or two in the pst, the guilt would stay with me. I think finding a few things that made me feel good about myself and that were also helping me walk towards the baby is what lightened my mind. In the 6 weeks prior to me getting pregnant (my healthy, beautiful, second baby boy is 3 months old now) i felt great mentally and physically. I was able to keep up with the food and drink challenges i set up for myself and also live. I also thoguht that i really need to laugh again, knowing what great medicine laughter is. i heard this comedian on the radio that was coming to town and called a friend to see if she wanted to go with me for a girls night out (something i hadnt allowed myself to do for quite some time as food and alchol would be involved) and it turned out she and her sisters were all ready going so i bought a ticket and joined them. I even went out for drinks ahead of time-had a non alcoholic drink and sat in a seat away from them and laughed. I just started to live again and find things that i could do that were for me and fun and that would keep me walking towrds the baby...does that help and make sense?? I hope this helps...

   ALl my best,
   Kristen

7. gal      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   This makes aot of sense and is very helpful to me.

   thanks for posting and Congratulations!
   Gal

8. suzanne      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Hello Anna and fellow FH sisters,

   I usually like to give myself lots of time and space whenever I am posting something on here but today I am choosing to post regardless because I might not get that time over the next few days and I wanted to add to this wonderful thread!

   I remember that phone circle Anna and I would like to say on here that I love that you are back on the phone circles and the boards.

   Kristen thank you for your post - CONGRATULATIONS!! I remember reading your posts some years ago and I am delighted you have conceived your second child and that you are still contributing to the community :)

   I seem to feel a bit the opposite to what some people have posted about their food journey. I find myself lightening up a bit around that. It has been an area that has generated so much for me - I got so confused about what I "should' eat and it brought up all kinds of orphans. I really liked what Gal said about owning her choices around food. I feel I am just starting to do that too. I gave up meat, dairy, wheat, sugar, alcohol etc. after reading Inconceivable (4 years ago) and during that time got very attached to being vegan (although I ate fish because otherwise I found there was nothing I could ever eat if we were out for dinner). Every single alternative practitioner I ever saw told me that I needed to eat meat. I would just ignore them - "no, I want to be vegan." I really wrestled with this and last year, at the behest of my thyroid doctor, tried a little meat. But I really wasn't on board with it so I only tried a few times.

   Then just recently I got a whole batch of iGg tests done and many of the vegan sources of protein got flagged up. Something in me shifted and I thought 'it is too hard for me to get what I need from a vegan diet if I can't eat these things too.' I have really tried and tried! I could suddenly HEAR properly - I guess I wasn't hearing through my orphans ears :) So I introduced some chicken and it has been a completely different experience than the last time - because I am ready and accepting. And I cooked my first chicken - in years! - yesterday and it was absolutely DELICIOUS :) I can't describe what happened but I really felt I was getting extra support from somewhere - angels, UM, universe - and I was eating it with pleasure and feeling that my body was appreciating it too.

   I digress a bit from the topic of being light. The lightness for me around food is being a bit more flexible and open. I have certain things which I will not digress from - but have loosened up a bit so I will have a glass of champagne every now and then for a special occasion. The difference is that I am not being controlled and restricted by my 'extreme, black and white orphan'. The reality is that I hardly ever do drink and I believe that the healthiest outcome is when we choose not from our orphans but from our Visionaries - which I feel is what Gal was pointing to. Why am I choosing this way of eating? Is it the O, V or UM that chooses that? I know when I have chosen from my orphan - even though it looks like the 'healthy' choice, it causes a lot of restriction and tension in my body because the orphan is hanging on so tightly to the rules! And often, they weren't even my rules - just rules I picked up from somewhere else - from people that I deemed to be experts or authorities! And that is why it was so confusing for me - because there are so many different approaches to eating,a lot of which contradict each other and I kept looking for an authority OUTSIDE instead of in me. That feels really empowering to write that!!

   Like Kristen, I gave up seeing my acupuncturist. For me, I didn't feel any different during or after the treatment and it was another way in which I sought out an authority outside of myself - 'so tell me, how are my pulses?'. The trigger for giving it up was when she told me, via kinesiology testing, that I would conceive in January. I didn't and all hell broke loose with my orphans and I decided I really didn't need that kind of help! I would rather get in touch with my body myself, through Body Truth, than have someone else tell me. I'm not saying there is never a time for alternative practitioners - far from it - but just for me, part of my journey has been about me getting in touch with my body myself and not relying on anyone else to do that.

   Being with my two nieces is one of my major tonics Anna!! I couldn't love them any more than if they were my own children. I love playing with them and being free in my expression and goofing around. It connects me to my joy - seeing how utterly excited my niece is to see me!! And remembering that I was like that too as a young child - able to be completely in the moment and full of whatever I was feeling.

   An idea I came across recently, which I have been really exploring is to allow yourself your wanting. So often I think we cut ourselves off from our wanting because we know we can't have whatever we want. I don't mean wanting a baby. I mean ANY kind of wanting - when we were children we were full of wanting - e.g. I want to be a ballerina when I grow up. And then we get older and not wiser (!!) and decide that that is a silly thing to want so we shut it down. I have found that by exploring my wanting, it has opened my heart up some more. It was my Birthday last week and I really let myself want that my sister who lives in NY would fly in for my Birthday dinner! And it wasn't even painful that she didn't come - it was just really enriching to allow myself have my wanting. And often, it's not about the getting anyway is it?!

   OK I have really rambled on here and I'm not sure if I have contributed useful suggestions but thank you for starting the thread Anna and thank you for reading everyone!

   Suzanne

9. NellB      Posted 1 month ago #
   

   
   

   Thank you, wise women! A fantastic thread indeed.

   Suzanne, you really struck a chord with me. It is also part of my work to be less strict about what I eat. The chapter on food/diet in the Fertile Female was the only one that confused me. I struggled with anorexia for many years. And my transition out of it led to another type of eating disorder--an obsession with eating "healthy" foods. I became vegan and eliminated sugar, processed foods, etc. While I am a healthy weight now and nutritionists say my diet is well balanced, I'm zinc and iron deficient. I take a million supplements, including extremely high amounts of zinc (which is very important for a healthy reproductive system). None of my doctors understand why I'm not absorbing zinc. I wonder if it is the large amounts of vegetables/insoluble fiber I eat. Or the plant-based sources of zinc.

   I'm still pretty bound by my food rituals and regimens, but this fertility pursuit has really helped me understand the importance of being more flexible and to see the benefits of eating "bad" foods. Trying so hard to be healthy may be counter-productive! I am delighted to see this thread about lightening our loads during this journey. I'm looking to stop trying so hard myself and to find a nice balance.

   Thanks again for all of the comments.

   -Nell

10. Sharm1      Posted 1 month ago #
    

    
    

    Anna, thanks for starting this wonderful thread! I love the idea of "lightening your load" and it is something I need to do desperately.

    Kristen - Congrats on your little one and I loved reading your post along with everybody else's. I have been obsessed with having a child for the last six years and I think it's about time I freed myself from my obsession. All it has done is made my load heavier and my body is showing signs of it with several cysts and pain etc.

    I found the food part pretty easy as I really love eating salads and vegetables and grains. I rarely crave anything unhealthy with the exception of some dark chocolate on occasion. What has been really hard is to just let go and know that if creation intended for me to have a biological child, I will. If not there are so many other ways to be an amazing mom like adopting a beautiful baby. Even though I know it this obsession has really weighed me down. I am making a commitment to report in over the next two weeks on ways to lighten my load...I love the idea of going for a walk after dinner..maybe some child's play like a little hop and skip daily and truly freeing myself from these very heavy chains..

    Love to all of you,
    Sharmini

11. AnnaJ      Posted 1 month ago #
    

    
    

    This is a wonderful thread indeed, thanks to everyone. Great to hear your story Kirsten and wonderful you are posting now after your baby has been born - it really helps to hear from you, thank you.

    There are a lot of similarities in this post for me with another recent one 'tonight' where Christy in particular raises some issues I hear again here that have really helped me along lately with my own reflection. For me its that tightrope walk, finding the balance between the longing and the clenching on too hard, between the orphan food monitor and visionary nutritionist, between the 'I quit, f*!& it all' and 'lightness in my life is a great thing, lets have fun...' And indeed the balance between all those things. The strongest orphan in me distills that down to balancing on my big toe on a space the size of a coin and the visionary shows me a beautiful inviting, winding path that I just must follow. Luckily that strongest orphan doesn't show up quite as much these days and to the most part I am enjoying the journey on that path but its not 100% consistent that I feel this way.

    Christy's post and that whole 'tonight' thread have had me reflecting on this balance for a week or more now. I had been holding on so tight to the baby outcome last month without realising it until I started my period and the sadness came, and that has helped me look again and search out some more hidden nooks within myself. For many years now, since being quite small I have been holding onto monkey bars, pulling myself up and over the crocodiles in the pond below. Its a strategy that served me well in my youth when family life was challenging to say the very least but the down side has been a habitual tension and a strong desire to control as best I can in favour of 'positive' outcomes. I only realised this around last autumn with the help of a therapist, the last week or so I was reminded that I had hold of those bars again... I want to better walk a slacker rope, perhaps allow myself some clown like wobbles - for my own entertainment if nothing else - and head off on that appealing path again.

    Thanks it helps to post sometimes to get your head round how you are actually feeling!

    When I first read this post a few days ago it was something else I wanted to say. I have hesitated to post but Kristen has inspired me with her report on going to comedy. Back in the autumn when I was that quite a clenched up state and deeply sad about my situation I started the fertile heart practice. One of the early imagery exercises I did was 'the river of truth', I was pretty confused with what was literally coming up: A funny big object I couldn't tell what it was, almost bomb shaped. One day it went to bite me, was it a shark? Another day later - definitely a sea monster. At this point I was pretty despondent with the practice and my apparently stupid mind for producing such nonsense.

    Meanwhile I was due to go to the theatre with my husband and mother in law to see some comedy together, I had paid no attention to what the show was called or about. I was so upset in myself I very almost didn't go. It took a lot to get out of bed that morning and drive the 2 and a half hours to get there.

    The play was called Moby Dick performed by Spymonkey. It was perfect, so perfect I couldn't believe it. This is what I wrote to the theatre company afterwards:

    "Dear Spymonkeys

    Saturday's matinee was truly marvellous, you caught us unawares in so many ways. My husband laughed until he cried and I was astounded to be picked to be a seagull (I loved it thank you, I would never have volunteered).

    But most of all it was the Mermaid/figurehead song. Under normal circumstances I would have found it hilarious but timing is everything and in my case this visit to the theatre was at the end of a week when after over 2 years of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant and generally trying to stay positive I hit a wall, big time. I spent much of the last week mighty miserable, I almost didn't come to the show, thank goodness I did. So yes I found it hilarious but it was better than that, it was exactly the medicine I needed."

    Luckily you can now see that mermaid song too: http://www.spymonkey.co.uk/mobydick/index.htm

    But before you look I should warn that it could offend, its pretty raw humour and totally about fertility or rather, infertility. The wooden figurehead from the front of the ship (with nothing below her waist)is played by a woman who in real life has herself struggled with fertility issues and has not been able to have a child. And she wrote the song utterly inspired by that experience. When I wrote to the Spymonkeys afterwards they responded saying they had been moved to tears by my feedback, the actress wrote to me seperately and told me her story and then I was in tears too... I have heard Petra speak about her motivation to write the song on national radio so I know its OK to repeat it here.

    The whole experience helped so much to haul me out of that autumnal hole and the final detail is that then I realised it: the river of truth exercise, it was Moby Dick I was pulling out of the water!!!! I had no doubt now that I was dealing with a very powerful tool and far from thinking I was crazy it was time to understand that I really must trust myself no matter how apparently mad the messages are that come up.

    So yes, comedy, lightness, fun, joy, we've got to get them wherever we can and I have to re-remind myself that no matter how hard it is sometimes for me to get out there: up the hill, to the theatre, wherever it is, when I do it is usually exactly what I need.

    Thanks for listening and for the reminder, I'm off up the hill before starting work today!

    Anna X

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