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Tonight
(11 posts)
(4 voices)
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gal Posted 2 months ago #
Hi friends,
Tonight I need someone to remind me that I am fertile! After this last IUI we did which was unsuccessful at creating a conception I am finding myself really taking a step back before doing another. When we started on this journey to have a second child I thought once I had done this many IUI's I would either have had the second child or come to the conclusion it just wasn't going to work. I didn't expect to be here and thinking of going forward. It feels like a new day though to not have any expectations of how many IUI's to do or to think too much that I am 40. All day I have been asking myself what is it I really, really want. Do I want to go forward? Do I really believe I can conceive another baby? I feel in going forward I want to be really clear and know it in my bones it is the right path for me.
This past monday I had an experience with visualization work where I really connected powerfuly with one of my orphans who has had a lot of anger and rage. She has not left me since and I have seen where she has felt let down by the adult me and also had some urealistic expectations of what I would be able to resolve in my life. I realized I have had these two orphans passing blame and anger back and forth to each other. Thankfully they have been in a dialogue and are realizing they need to work together. I realized the young orphan has some doubts about that the older one can be trusted. That is why now I want to make this decision to go forward with full clarity and not going blindly into something for which I am not fully prepared.
Thank you all for your continued support,
Gal
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kicianna Posted 1 month ago #
Hello Dear Gal,
what a timely post! Thank you! I too will be 40 later this year. I long for a beautiful second child too (my little boy is 8 and it feels like I gave birth to him in another lifetime ;-). I too have seemingly countless IUIs behind me which at times felt like Einstein's definition of madness (i.e. 'madness = doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result..'). Ha ha. After my last 'proper' miscarriage in Oct 06 (such a long time ago!), there was nothing (silence as you say in another post). I got a faint plus once or twice but had my period the next day - this was the only babymaking news in all those years (besides the unspoken countless snowflakes of course! ;-). Trying for so many years with no feedback hs been unnerving and extremely challenging. I had periods of perfect nutrition and periods of sport, periods of accupuncture and supplements and periods of meditation, and all of them combined, and lots of other experiementation over the last 5 years. I have been healing my orphans, been awakened, keep working on loving myself, and there is no going back. Despite this I too ask myself the questions and have my doubts about the route forward, the level of commitment etc etc. I think we just need to forgive ourselves! We are humans, you know!
There is a new truth arising in me and it is as follows: Although I am not pregant (yet ;-) I feel the babymaking effort is behind me. I realize with some clarity that I don't 'have to' do anything to 'earn' this child. I don't need to arrange perfect conditions for it or have a specific protocol (I used to be very rigid about it). I don't need to blame myself for not being 'positive' enough, and I don't need to feel like a failure after a miscarriage. I also don't need to compare myself to others. In other words - IT IS NOT MY FAULT. I simply don't need to add any suffering to my baby journey. I am learning to love myself and protect myself and be more compassionate to this Anna who is me. I realized with clarity that this is the only thing that I 'have to do' as it is my loving duty to myself on this journey and any other journey in this life!
All this sounds good but I do lose my vision regularly and have my doubts and 'default settings'. Yet the overwhelming new feeling right now is that of self-love, self-forgiveness and self-acceptance. I feel I am a part of the universe, I belong here and I am not defective! I sometimes feel like I don't deserve this sudden enlighnment but then I realize it has not been sudden and I have been working on it and besides who am I to decide what I do or don't deserve ;-).
And now, re. the technical dimension: As I mentioned in your old 'request' thread (my post has disappeared when the thread was migrated to the new forum) I just experienced an early miscarriage. While I am saddened, I also see it as progress (the endo surgery + other efforts are working). Hence I have decided to do another stimulated cycle + IUI right away. I am lucky to have a very compassionate doctor. I can only describe our relationship as loving! (not in a weird way ;-). This helps greatly.
I have produced a lot of text here. I hope it is worth something to you. I will be keeping you in my thoughts this cycle (and all the other FH people). And you know what? I think, we can just decide things as they come, one thing at a time. No big commitments needed. Just one step at a time, whatever feels right.
take care Gal and talk soon,
Anna (Belgium)
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Christy Posted 1 month ago #
Hello Gal, Anna, and others:
I've hesitated to respond to this post not because it wasn't timely or important but precisely because it was both of those things. Gal, you're in complicated territory and are asking really hard--good, yes, but still hard--questions. And this dovetails with your earlier post about why you're really doing the work, and whether it's to get what you want. So first I want to say that that's a brave question to put out there and one that made me take a breath in and really think about why I'm here and where I hope to end up, especially when everything feels so uncertain. (I'm 40, too.) After my recent loss, I asked myself whether I would know to stop trying to get pregnant and whether I would be able to heed my own answer if it was something I didn't want to hear. For me, as long as deep in my body I feel a resounding, Try, try again (a resonance, a song like a low tolling bell that moves with bronzed swing and weight and purpose), that as long as I feel that louder than the doubts and fear, I have to follow that and try. I think in some ways what matters is the willingness to ask the question about going forward and then to ready yourself for whatever answer comes, being open to that answer being any number of different responses (and even different on different days).
I've thinking about your amazing building and what a legacy you have left the world, and how that building allows life to come in it and circulate, and that ability to create--bringing something from vision to out in the actual world--seems to me to be incredible fertile territory.
Like Anna, I feel like I've worked and worked and worked. At different times in this journey, I've been so strict with myself, worried myself into a frenzy about doing just the right collection of Things, eaten like a monk, given up chocolate, done acupuncture, done Reiki, swallowed stinky herb tea (which, by the way, I'm drinking as I type this), puzzled madly over my relationship with my mother/father/brother. I've wondered whether I took the wrong vitamin or didn't eat enough chard or should have bought the damn juicer already or shouldn't have done this that or the other. Boy, was that a lot of not helping. I love Anna's message in all caps, and so just to try it out, I'm going to retype it here -- IT IS NOT MY FAULT. Phew, that felt good. Thank you, Anna! I think maybe we should all try that. Because it's so easy to scurry around just trying harder and trying harder again until I feel like a failure, which is really the opposite of what the work is about.
For me, this is a central challenge. Julia talked on a phone circle several months ago about claiming your longing, about needing to want the child more than anything--with that level of longing and dedication to it. But how to do that and not force it? How to open yourself up (again and again--because it's no single moment that stays static) to that much want and be disappointed repeatedly? How to let the work matter in itself rather than overtly or secretly hoping for pregnancy results (coming back to Gal's question)? I have no answers here, and I find that the question has actually gotten harder to answer over the last year rather than easier. Just a note that this is my struggle right now, and so I understand a lot of what's being discussed in this thread through that. Gal, I'm really interested in this idea of having the battling parts of yourself in dialogue. Keep telling us how that conversation develops.
I watched the movie _Julie & Julia_ the other night and was struck in the depiction of Julia Child's marriage (which was, by all accounts, a marriage of equals at a time when that was uncommon). But what really hit me what how the film handled her infertility in subtle and true ways. Here was a woman that taught people to take great joy in preparing food that delighted the senses (granted, full of stuff that's not particularly good for you) and share it with the people they loved, to take something seemingly impossibly difficult and translate it to a regular, unfancy American kitchen. She came gleefully into people's homes across the TV and reminded them that food cooked by their hands was central to life. How glorious. How worthwhile. And yet there's still this recognizable sadness in her life about what she didn't have. And so I left wondering whether I reall, truly believe I can have a level of accomplishment in my life that isn't in some way undone by what feels like failure to bear another healthy child out into the world.
So I'm listening hard to Anna's advice to remember that we are human, and Gal's note about orphans with unrealistic expectations, and trying to heed that advice today about taking each step, each day, with grace and self-compassion.
(PS-- Gal, if you wondered whether you were fertile, the length of Anna's and my responses should give you a quick answer to how full of life and ideas we found your post--Talk about fertile thoughts!)
Love to you all,
Christy
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Hi Anna, Christy and all,
I read your wise posts yesterday and I took some time to just breathe them in. They both said so eloquently and clearly so many feelings I share. I am so thankful we have this forum and community. It is so comforting. Anna, I think I am right on the precipice of so much you speak of the letting go of the blame. It feels such a relief and like I am finally truly embracing myself. I am happy to hear you are moving on to another IUI - you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Christy, thanks for pointing out the fertility sparked by my post and in my design work as well as much other wisdom. You ask about the dialogue. It is continuing. It is fundamentally about trust. There is a five year old orphan - she is rageful and lacking greatly in trust. She does not trust the adult orphan. The adult orphan has accepted that some and realizes it is true - she has abandoned that 5 year old at times - not listened, not comforted, turned away. The adult orphan though wants the 5 year old to know that some of her expectations have been too much. The 5 year old expected the adult to go out into the world and fix everything that went wrong and it was too much. The UM realizes these orphans both need comfort and both need to embrace each other and both let go of things neither could fix. It is as Anna says "IT IS NOT MY FAULT."
Thank you both and all,
Although at times this journey is heart wrenching is makes me feel alive. I am glad I have not turned away from this longing.
Take care
gal
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AnnaJ Posted 1 month ago #
Gal, Anna & Christy
Such riches in these posts and in this conversation, I have needed to take a couple of days to reply so that I can give what you have written, and how I reply, the space they deserve.
I feel such affinity with you all and am very grateful to you for sharing so much. Its not just a comfort, I am inspired as well as reassured by your words. This is more than not feeling alone by being in some kind of support group. This feels like encouragement to continue the practice and keep up this active healing journey. And that's just it, its about an active healing journey for us all. I have seen this so clearly since the autumn when in the middle of a very very low patch I started the Fertile Heart practice, the Fertile Female was like a beacon of hope then and I'm so glad I found it, things have turned around since.
But... this month suddenly its clear that whilst I realise that the journey is now so so much more than just having a baby, I am actually clinging onto that baby outcome like its a life raft. I thought I was swimming more freely, the desire was driving me but I was relaxed about when the outcome would appear... No, not so in fact, or at least that is there within me but its not alone, I have another side still. This last month I so thought I was pregnant, so many symptoms, and the elusive faint line appeared on a test and then was gone and I bled that very day. And despite so much positive thought, reflection and philosophising I felt like a failure and 2 days later I was telling my husband that it was just too hard, too painful to continue the journey that we should abandon ship and stop aiming to have a child. Thank you Julia for by magic talking on the European call about what happens when people give up. I needed to hear that and you had no idea, I love that magic in this work.
The news is I have not given up and that voice was of course a very noisy orphan but I hear her and know she's there and its OK, I agree its really hard and I am listening. The healing for me and the next step is about letting go, its about trust, its about not needing to control. I am in the Field of Surrender in my practice to try to help myself let go and for such a simple exercise its not easy! There is so much sabotage that I can see, orphans that won't let that balloon go, popping it every time almost. But I need to look at all this and feel it and find that trust. Its such a big big theme in my life that of course its greeting me now.
So if I can't control the outcomes, if I need to let go of some of that rigidity, that which I feel in my body and that which Anna (Belgium) talks about (oh yes Christy I'm getting my stinky herbal tea ready too right now), then I also need to acknowledge that I can no more control this than many other big things in my life. No ITS NOT MY FAULT either! Yep its good to realise that (thanks Anna!).
Whilst its not my fault then maybe it is my opportunity, I so often say that without this longing for a child and my lack of instant baby arrival then I would have never have been so humble as to look at so much in my life and go the places this journey has taken me. I often think I have got to places before I'm truly there. I work in the sustainability field and I am always saying that you can never truly see if something's sustainable until you look back. I need to take my own advice really and not declare my work done ahead of time when I can't possibly know. To be able to bear this I need to let go, I need to trust. A lot.
The last 3 or 4 weeks I have had a lot of releasing around my sacral area, my coccyx repair work has continued and I've had new wider, more energetic feelings around my hips, new tingles and relaxation where I never knew I needed it and it feels good. Perhaps my mind now needs to catch up with my body?
Love to you all
Anna (Wales)
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kicianna Posted 1 month ago #
Hello Gal, Christy, AnnaJ and all the Fertile Heart sisters,
Just a short note to say that the orphans are running the show today and when they do my default setting is to feel shame and fear. These feelings were activated while I was visiting my doctor today (day 9). I felt a sudden 'shame hit' and the old story of being a failure made me lose contact with my visionary for the rest of the day...
Thank you for your great messages above. I rearead everything again and also found AnnaJ's contribution (Hello Anna!). I need to take care of my orphans but have been resisting working with the tools today. I did one thing for myself today and this is to fill my 5-bullet iphone gratitude journal. So today I am grateful for:
* learning to feel/use my heart
* the love and care I get
* my visionary
* my body which is quite extraordinary
* my compassionate doctor
thank you for listening.
love,
Anna (BE)
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AnnaJ Posted 1 month ago #
Anna (BE)
I know that shame hit and its brother the fear. A shame orphan from old old shame has been visiting me lately too. I had no idea she was so alive, so it was good to see that.
I just wanted to say to you that its completely understandable that these orphans have showed up for us both. And in the vein of gratitude that you have started, I am very grateful to have met you, for all the very wise words you have said to me here and by email, for everything you are able to share and the support that brings. Sending you love and absolute faith that you are on the right path and you will know how to navigate the next steps beautifully.
Love and hugs
Anna (Wales) X
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kicianna Posted 1 month ago #
Hello Dear All,
AnnaJ this must be the most loving and beautiful reply I have ever received :-). Thank you. I feel definite warmth in my heart; I must have read it 10 times now...
More orphans today but there has been a dialogue. First one turned up as I left my son at the sailing camp this morning. Leaving him there all alone brought back the little abandoned orphan I know so well. I said to her I was very willing to listen and I stayed with her while driving my car back home. She is a really sad, sad girl orphan and I have to remind myself that it is OK to listen to her story time and time again and that I am an adult and can take care of this abandoned orphan.
I have been doing body truth. 'Out of the trap' worked for me beautifully yesterday. I loved the stretch and I really allowed myself to see my life as I want it, with abandon! No limits! It was a great feeling. I am going to redo it today in order to see the details of certain renovation works on the house + to see my family complete with everyone in the picture, husband, kids, dogs!
I hope you are having a good day today,
love
Anna (BE)
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Hi Friends,
Thanyou Anna and Anna and Christy for continuing with this topic. It has been comforting to me to see I am not alone with this and that although some of the details may be unique there is so much commonality. I have been in the midst of many thoughts and feelings and it has taken some time for them to crystallize. I am realizing I must take better care of myself and I have not done that. I have found that in the dialogue with my 5 year old orphan who has been with me now for a few weeks. I have been thinking so much the words let go and wanting to embrace myself more and focus just on me - allow myself to stomp my feet that the baby has not come at the schedule I want. But I have feared does that mean I am losing my focus and my longing? I feel I am on a trail that is overgrown and unclear but I can see the remnants of the trail at my feet. I feel it is the right trail for me to take this time to fully embrace me and all of the things I want to open up to and that will be the right path to the baby. This feels very dangerous but I have been thinking I want to continue to love myself if I am unable to bring another baby into the world. I feel I must or I am abandoning myself as I have so many times before. I realize as well I have a very difficult orphan? or something in me that is very hard to please - she accepts only high achievement. She expects it and gives no acknowledgement. So I feel I must take the time to connect with all of these things and really let myself know I am here and I won't turn away. Also to trust that while I am taking the time to tend to myself everything else will not fall apart. So regarding my original post - that I am fertile - yes I am. I think my battle has been thinking that if I can not conceive another baby then everything else is worth nothing - very all or nothing thinking. I am expanding my idea of fertility and I am forgiving myself for not being able to meet the timetable I originally set up. I realized if I do not conceive again will this all have been for nothing, will it all stop? The answer is no and that is the root to the renewed committment I have found. So there can be no big ball that is going to drop that I will at some point have to admit defeat because I am already living that life I long for - I am here.
Hugs and warm thoughts to all of you,
Gal
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kicianna Posted 1 month ago #
Hi Gal and the great ladies,
Gal, I found your post wonderful and I resonated with it strongly so I am responding while it is still fresh and before I lose the plot again ;-).
The following things occured to me upon reading it:
The dangerous trail is the right one. Focusing on Gal or Anna does not cancel out our longing. It strengthens it. It makes the longing more human, less rigid and forceful, more connected and more trusting.
The road to the baby is through birthing Gal or Anna as full human beings. The road to the baby is through daring to be fully alive. This longing - the longing to give life is ultimately about being alive to the core/being alive in every cell of our bodies.
This probably sounds a bit exhalted but this is my truth at the moment. Within this framework there is no defeat, no self-abandonment and no infertility as such. There is no loss within this truth because you can't lose.
I hope this is making sense in some form.
I found a little poem which I liked. Hope it is ok to quote it:
Dare to
declare
who you
are. It
isn't
far from
the shores
of silence
to the
boundaries
of speech.
The road
is not
long but
the way
is deep.
And you
must not
only
walk there,
you must
be prepared
to leap.
by Nicola Slee
with love
Anna
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Dear Anna,
I feel you have heard me so clearly and understand. Thank you for echoing back in a way that clarifies it even more for me and provides me support as I take these steps down this new trail. I look forward to hearing more of your journey down this similar road. Finally, thankyou for the poem - it touches the heart of this issue closely.
All the best,
Gal
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